All in the Fucked Up Family : Day 19

Today I am feeling extremely agitated and very, very stressed. It's been one of those days where I feel like I've been go, go, go, all day, and I still am carrying that feeling this evening.

Today was my day to register for classes for next semester. My time to do it was at 11:15, and that's when we had group therapy. But it finished at 11:30, and I brought my laptop with me and got permission to register for my classes then. Well, guess what interesting little tidbit I found out when trying to register?? MY DAD DIDN'T PAY MY REGISTRATION FEE. Therefore, I could not sign up for ANY classes. And my math class is the one class I am REQUIRED to take, so I couldn't sign up for any other classes until I got into my math one, and the seats available for the math class were diminishing by the minute. I was so fucking stressed, freaking out, calling my dad on the phone in the office (which you can't receive calls on, since all the calls to that phone are forwarded to Laurie's cell) and just FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. When we got back to the house, I went online after my mom called and said all my fees were paid, and there was ONE SEAT LEFT IN MY MATH CLASS. Wooo. Holy shit. I'm exhausted just writing about it.

Speaking of writing, guess who's NOT taking any writing classes next semester??? Fuck! The only one I could take was filled up. So instead of studying what I REALLY want to do with my life, I'll be learning about the exciting world of....(drum roll, please) ART HISTORY!!!!

Fuck.

I don't know how I feel today, Ed-wise. My individual therapy session was so, so good today. I cannot say this enough--I LOVE my therapist. So, so much. She makes me feel like I'm not selfish or bitchy for feeling the way I do about things and that I have good reason to feel these things. She said something to me today that I've kind of carried with me since I heard them:

"Angie, you know what I see? I see someone who has so much courage, who is so determined to get better. You don't see that in many people. I can see your struggle to get out of this, and I think you have a lot of heart and courage and spunk. And you are NOT alone in this. No matter what, I will always be here. I will always be here to walk you through it."

Holy fucking shit. WHERE DOES SHE THINK OF THIS?? That is exactly exactly EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I'm so goddamn sick of just feeling so ALONE in this. Yes, I realize I live in a house with girls with the same problem, but I have trouble opening up. Verbally, I mean. I do this annoying thing where I cannot look people in the eye or even at their faces when discussing something personal. I stare down at my hands or the table or whatever is in front of me. I just feel so much shame and embarrassment and I just can't stand it.

I'm scared for next semester. Just going back on campus. The campus itself--the buildings, the trees, everything--just make me feel anxious. I had so, so many horrible times on that campus that even the thought of seeing it makes me nervous.

And journalism? It can go fuck itself in the ass. I HATE IT. I want to be a REAL writer, not some reporter. But then again I want to get into pyschology. Maybe it's because I love my therapist so much that I like idolize her or something.

I didn't have snack again today. I'm really, really scared it's the Ed. I was so fucking starving by dinner today, it wasn't even funny.

I went to the gym again today, and it made me feel good. But as I was doing it, I just kept thinking "Who wants this? Me or Ed?" I've known something was wrong for a LONG time, but since coming here, not only am I aware of it, but I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because I'm partly enjoying it. Well, I don't know if it's really ME, but you know, same difference. The part of me that feels as if it's regaining control of something. And that scares me. I don't want it. I really, really don't want it.

We went to an ANAD meeting tonight. Fuck, do I hate these things. I didn't mind them so much in the beginning, but they're starting to drive me nuts. I just want to stand up and shout "SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!! JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!" I'm so exhausted of this shit! I'm tired of it. We deal with it ALL DAMN DAY, can't I at least have my nights free of this shit??

Speaking of going crazy, that's what I feel like is happening with me in the house. I am starting to go crazy. I want to be back in the apartment, with Erica and Alyssa, staying up too late and laughing and having fun and doing homework (it's better than this) and living my life and being NORMAL. It's getting harder and harder to imagine every day--the thought that I'll be NORMAL. That's a big reason why I DON'T want to do the transitional house thing--the thought of staying here any longer makes me want to rip some of my hair out sometimes.

It's starting to feel like a family in the house though, in both good ways and bad ways. I feel close to everyone else, but at the same time, certain people annoy me in a family-like manner. They might annoy me when talking about soap operas when all I REALLY want to do is cry or scream or isolate. But at least I'm not alone. I hate, hate, HATE being alone. And I know I'm not alone in this. Even though I feel that way sometimes in my head, I'll look around and know that everyone around me is struggling too. We're all fighting the same battle and working towards the same goal.

My therapist asked me today what I want. What ANGIE wants. And if a friend asked me that, I might say "A diet coke" or "World peace", but with her, I know she's looking for something deep and philosophical. And I'm usually confused and can't think of anything. Today, however, I thought of something right away:

I want to know I'm worth this recovery. I need to know that after going through all this shit, it's going to be worthwhile. That I'M worthwhile and valid and a person and that people actually care. Goddamn, do I hate needy people, and that's what I'm scared I'm becoming. I don't want people to think I'm clingy or constantly looking for compliments or what have you. And it's not like certain people are doing anything wrong. It's in my head. This whole goddamn thing is in my head and I just...ugh. I need to find a way out.

And to avoid sounding like an ad for a major cosmetics corporation, it's because I'm worth it.

I think.