Craig Blip on the Bathroom Gaydar
This week, news broke that
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd conduct towards an
undercover officer in a men’s bathroom in June. Allegedly, Craig tapped
his foot and engaged in a number of other signals commonly used to
initiate sex. Craig originally pleaded guilty to the charges, but now
regrets his statement. “I am not gay,” Craig said, “It is a sad day for
our country when you can’t even stand in the privacy of your own
bathroom stall and tap your foot while humming the DreamGirls
soundtrack.”
Hsu’s Clues: Shady Source of Funds Revealed
Democratic
candidates vying for the presidential nomination have turned away
thousands of campaign funds indirectly received from Norman Hsu, who
turned himself in after years spent avoiding serving a sentence for
grand theft. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have both donated Hsu’s
contributions to charity; John Edwards has contributed the entirety of
his lofty share to the “Exile Style Foundation,” a new organization
dedicated to giving expensive haircuts to cosmetically deprived
fugitives and founded in response to the alarming state of Hsu’s ‘do:
“Hey, check out the catarack on that one!”
A
new study has found that the elderly engage in more sexual activity
than anyone ever thought or wanted to think about. After stopping their
collective cringing, readers realized the fallacies in this report when
the only source cited was “The Girls Next Door.”
Weapons of Mass Construction Hit Too Close to Home
Scientists
have uncovered a gigantic spider web near Dallas, Texas. The
infrastructure is strong, formed by many difference Iraqnid cells
cooperating together. Alarmed by their weapons of mass construction,
the state of Texas has deployed troops to the area. Freddie Gowan, park
ranger, was cited in the NYT confirming that terrorism is not limited
to one area, but a serious threat plaguing even the freest acres: “[The
spiders] are spreading out for sure. They’re going to take over.” Given
the increased tension between the Iraqnids and the U.S., a recent web
video circulated by the spiders say that if capture is imminent for
Osama bin Long-Legged, his body guards would kill him.
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This is possibly the best blog title ever.
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