What the hell??!!! That's the first thing I thought last week when my best friend and I took a little trip to the emergency room for what I thought was going to be just a little yeast infection. Nope! The doctor has blurted out, "Yeah that looks like Herpes", and my friend is laying on a hospital bed in tears, I'm sitting here thinking, now what? I'm not the emotional type so I wan't sure whether to hug her or what. Once I did wrap my arms around her I kept saying, "I'm going to kick your boyfriend's ass".
Not only did he lie to her but to me. When she first started to notice symptoms I called her boyfriend to ask him if he had been tested for STD's within the past six months he said yeah. OBVIOUSLY NOT! I kept thinking, you cheated and you gave her herpes. I'm kicking your ass.
Now I'm starting to think I'm too involved. I'm starting to act more and more like a mom to y best friend than a best friend who's pre-med and can help her out in this situation. But it's like she doesn't know how to handle anything on her own. I swear to God if I didn't go and buy groceries for her the girl would stare out of the window at the supermarket and starve. I schedule her appointments at the ob/gyn, I go to the pharmacy to pick her medicine up, and I tell her everything is going to be ok when her boyfriend is acting like a shit. My boyfriend mentioned it casually that maybe I need to let my best friend grow up and learn how to handle this on her own. But how do you let someone go knowing their going to stumble and fall and may not get back up?
More issues and such in Part 2
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I swear to God if I didn't go and buy groceries for her the girl would stare out of the window at the supermarket and starve. I schedule her appointments at the ob/gyn, I go to the pharmacy to pick her medicine up, and I tell her everything is going to be ok when her boyfriend is acting like a shit. My boyfriend mentioned it casually that maybe I need to let my best friend grow up and learn how to handle this on her own. But how do you let someone go knowing their going to stumble and fall and may not get back up?
I was married to an alcoholic and for several years I enabled her behavior in a manner similar to what you are describing. She might have been far better off in the long run if when she fell down I had let her lie in her own filth. She might have hit rock bottom about five years earlier and perhaps of tried to address her condition before it progressed to a stage where there was no hope.
You are not doing your friend any favors by allowing her to not take responsibility for her own life. She needs to be allowed to fall down. She'll pick herself up once she figures out nobody else is going to do it for her and she'll be a far better person for it once she does.
In the world of substance abuse, they call enabling behavior "co-dependency". It is almost as destructive as the underlying problem. Fortunately it is far more treatable. It starts by recognizing that you are the sort of person that behaves in an enabling way. Once you recognize it; you STOP.
It is a great thing to care about your friends. But, it is easy to become caught up in drama when you are too close to things as you said. Maybe the kinder thing is to let her grow on her own some - kinder to you both.
Only when the last tree is cut; only when the last river is polluted; only when the last fish is caught: Only then will they realize that you cannot eat money."
-- Cree Indian Prophecy
But how do you let someone go knowing their going to stumble and fall and may not get back up?
It's bloody miserable, but you do it because you know that if you don't, they'll continue to stumble and fall for the rest of their lives. As much as we'd love to save everyone from themselves, sometimes the best way to do that is to stand aside and let them save themselves. It will likely suck more for you than it will for her, but you'll get it right and so will she.
Good luck!
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Free books need new home.
~Fallon~
"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams."- Pace
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I was dating a girl with whom I was in love and we broke up shortly after New Year's. The reason....I am older and more settled and she is younger and due to an abnormally sheltered upbringing felt the need to "explore her independence" since she feels that she missed out on a lot of things (socially) growing up. In other words...she really liked being my girlfriend yet, she also wanted the freedom to meet and hang out with other people. I couldn't handle that so I let her go with the hope that after she "explored", she would come around and settle a bit with me, provided that I was still available of course. After a brief period of awkwardness, she and I entered into a close platonic friendship. We never had sex with each other since shortly before we started dating she had decided to commit to waiting until marriage which, although difficult for me to deal with, I accepted because I respected her. Now three months later, she has contracted herpes. She cannot pinpoint the source since she revealed to me that there were numerous (in her words...... at least 5....one of which , the likely culprit, is a male stripper!) partners. This leaves me in an awkward place with awkward feelings. I have become her only and best friend so I feel obligated ( and have the desire to) be there for her and to support and encourage her. But, I also have some powerfully angrey feelings toward her. I feel rejected since, she didn't want to sleep with me yet wanted me to be there as her boyfriend but she not only slept with someone else but quite a few guys in a short period of time. Also, I am angry because I was burning a torch so to speak for her and she was encouraging that sentiment by acknowedging the sentimane that I am what she wants and she was close to being ready to handle someone like me and the type of relationship I want. But now I feel like she ruined that. I feel as if she decided to be with me now, it'd be only because she would feel as if I were the only one who wanted her, her plan B. If I'm honest with myself, I don't want someone wth that issue yet it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me if all other important elements were in place. I feel like she has cheapened and poisoned this for me. But, since I am witnessing first hand the shock and drama of her situation, my heart goes out to her. I feel like she got what she deserves as well as she doesn't deserve what has happened to her. I have bitterness, resentments, compassion, affection for her and everything is just so confusing for me. What do I say to support her? How do I put this in its proper place? Am I wrong to have the thought "what a waste!" I care about her but I no longer wish to be with her because I have lost respect for her, not to mention trust ( I suspect that she was getting her freak on elsewhere while we were dating). That said, how do I establish a healthy boundery that will prevent me from emotionally making a bad decision? The primary problem we had when we were dating was the fact that she wasn't "settled". Well, this has certainly forced her to change her thought processes and of course now she views things differently. However she brings a new issue that I don't think I want to live with based on how things went down. The reality is that had I met her after this without the history that we have between us...I may have viewed her issue differently but the way it is...I can't help but feel like "You wouldn't give yourself to me when it was all good and now that you're tainted its mine? F-that!" I don't want to be a bad friend and reject her but that's what I want to do because I'm pissed off at her. Is this selfish of me? As it stands right now, she is unaware of these feelings since she only recently discovered her problem and I think it would be inappropriate to make this about me when she is trying to deal with accepting this life-altering event that has happened to her. Right now I am being the supportive friend, offering encouragement but Inside, I am seething. I would appreciate any thoughts about this. You can reply to me at http://360.yahoo.com/whereisthelove4 and leave me a personal messege. I definitely need some help proccessing this situation.