I cheated. I cheated on a man who loves me.....but get this ......he cheated on me too. And I don't think I'm going to tell him until I'm lying on my death bed, but I did think it would mak a good blog so here it goes.
I may be a wild girl but I never considered myself to be a bad girl until a couple of months ago. I was in a "friends with benefits" relationship with one guy when I started to get really close to my then good friend. We'll just call this good friend X and the "friend with benefits" R.
So I'm starting to get really close to X even though I'm in this sexual relationship with R. X knows that I'm friends with R, but he had no idea that R and I were having sex while X was taking me out to all of these nice places and spending time with me. When X asked me if I wanted to take our relationship to the next level, that boyfriend and girlfriend level I happily agreed. I went to see R a couple of days later; I planned on telling him that we had to break it off and I hoped that we could still be friends. Well I told him that we had to break it off but we didn't that day. We had sex then, and the next day, and continued to have sex for almost a month afterward.
I felt totally ashamed. Every time we had sex I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong. I walked away feeling unclean. And the sex wasn't even that great! I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped answering R's phone calls and when he showed up outside one of my college classes I told him that I may not have meant it before but I definitely did now, we were done.
Why did I do it? Well the relationship that R and I had was a lot different then the one X and I share now. X and I decided to have a celibate relationship, no he's not a virgin, but we both thought that it would be better to wait. This is one of those relationships that you know is going to last a long time and both of us feel that there's no need to rush into the sex when we can spend the time we have now getting to connect on a more spiritual level. Even though I do have something great with X and we've both agreed to wait, that didn't mean that my sexual needs just went away as soon as we both decided to be celibate. Plus X was going on vacation for a week and immediately after that he was moving away for school. We would be in a long distance relationship, which was going to be hard. There was a guy and he offered me something that at the moment X couldn't give, so I took it. And you know what? Every time I kept thinking this moment would be so much better with X.
A week after I stopped cheating with R, X went on his trip to Reno. A few days into the trip X called me with that voice of his that tells me immediately that he's done something that I won't like. When he told me, there wasn't an ounce of me that could be mad at him. I just thought damn, now I know how he would feel if I told him what I was doing this time last week. His reason? X said that he felt as if there was some cheating going on from my part and he felt hurt. He knew that a girl in his group of friends liked him a lot so he slept with her. Then he started crying over the phone. He said that while he was having sex he got up and got out of the room. I asked him why he stopped and he told me because my face popped into his head and he couldn't believe that he had just hurt me the way he did.It was then that I really felt like shit. How come I hadn't done the same thing in my situation?
X never came out and asked me if I cheated on him with R but I think he knows it was him. Our relationship may have suffered then but I think it's truly growing stronger everyday. It is so true what they say, abscence truly makes the heart grow fonder. We're 300 miles away from each other and both of us are in school and we don't have that much money to travel back and forth on the weekends. A close friend of mine knows about my infidelity and she asked me if I would consider cheating on X again now that we're so far apart. There's no way I ever could.
That's a really tough situation. I really hope that you're relationship with X grows stronger, even if it doesn't continue or end up as a romantic one. He's sounds like a pretty stand up guy because he was able to admit his mistake, ask for your forgiveness, and feel so much remorse.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
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OK...I'm not going to judge you, but why would you cheat on your boyfriend when you had something good then?
I mean X had to know you were cheating on him, since you were in a relationship with R. X cheated on you and you don't tell him? What kind of relationship is it without trust? You said X hurt you by cheating on you? And you can't believe it?!? You cheated on R and X!
I don't feel any sympathy that you miss X.
My confusion is here:
You're putting it on a blog, but consider it too private for your boyfriend?
All he has to do is come across here one day and he'll see it. (Or one of his friends come across here and forward it to him)
Something you want to keep secret.... yeah... I don't think I'd blog about it.
But, that's just me, do as you wish.
I hope you read my comment on your blog about the friend with herpes. I posted it before I read this blog and let me tell ya...it really strikes a cord. It is exactly the situation I was in. But I'm the boyfriend so....let me share persepctive from the other side of the fence. WTF? How twisted is your reality? You decide to wait with your boyfriend, the one who loves, respects and cherishes you and.....give it away in a booty call? Yes you are a bad person. You are a lier and a hypocrite. And you should be ashamed for your self-centered behaviour. You put him at risk. No you mentioned that he cheated as well but that doesn't make what you did any less deplorable than it is. He infidelity is jacked up too but that is a seprate issue and conversation. What would youhave done if you had contracted something (condoms to protect against herpes btw) and given it to him on your wedding night? How do you think it would make him feel as a man knowing that you didn't (by your actions) deem him worthy enough to share the most intimate part of youwith him? You went elsewhere and gave it someone who doesn't give a damn about you. And yes dion't kid yourself we men don't really care all that much about our "friends with benefits" you're just a booty call that we happne to like as a person as well. Ask this "friend" if he would be your man and I bet he'll disappear quickly. He's not that inot you unless your naked. You don't deserve the man you are with (and he doesn't deserve you since he can't be faithful either) but more importantly, you are not mature enough and not ready for whatever reason...to be in a relationship. This is your attempt at having your cake and eating it too. And it is extremely selfish.I'm no I'm being hard on you but as I mentioned before....I have been there and it sucks! You and your boyfriend will not last because youare not even intimate enough to be honest with each other. If you love him you will tell him. Yet, you prefer to know his dirt and hide yours. If yourevewal your misdeeds to him then you will suddenly find yourself lacking leverage and power int hte relationship. If you need power and leverage in a relationship then you are not ready for one. Why are you with him at all? For convenience? Appearances? self-esteem? companionship? Youshould really do some soul searching and re-evaluate the situation. What youdid was just wrong on all kinds of levels and you can refer to my comment on your post " Best friend has herpes. Now what the f$@k do I do? part 1" to see the horrible consequences that you luckily avoided. Now that I've vented....I would like to say some positive things. At least you do have guilt, which you deserve to have. This means that while you may have acted irrashionally and selfishly, you know what you did was wrong and you are uncomfortable in that skin. This is neccessary to change. You have a conscience. A crisis of conscience is a good thing. It plants the seeds of growth. If you truly see this man as a potential mate then you MUST tell him. If not, you area simply wasting your time anyway. It appears that you have forgiven him and I suspect that he will do the same as far as you are concerned. If not, at least you can take comfiort in not being a hypocrite but rather someone who made a mistake as we all do at times. This is your opportunity to grew closer to him in honesty rather than grew apart in deceit. Youcan start over with a clean slate or have a dirty little secret that can rear up at anytime...even years later. Come clean. If you don't , then while you may try to convince yourself that you are merely a "wild" girl you really nothing but a "bad" girl (we do know what word starting with the letter H we are euphemistically trying to say don't we?). Why can't you accept responsibilty for your actions like your boyfriend did? he risked losing you by telling you but he had enough character to accept the consequences. Apperently youdon't have that kind of character. To use a quote from that other comment I made "What a waste".
I don't think your relationship is as good as you think it is if you feel the need to go have sex with another man. But, what goes around comes around. It sounds like X is a whole lot more remorseful over the situation than you are, because you continued to do it. He stopped.
~C
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Unsolicited advice:
If you ever encounter a situation like this again, end things with R before you decide to start anything with X.
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http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tricia0711