No Anaesthetic Necessary : Day 12

There was no reason why today wouldn't be a good day.

Reason One Why Today Was Going To Be a Good Day:

YOGA. Once thought by me to be simply a past time for hippies and those who couldn't handle REAL exercise, I have now come to consider myself a yogini. And while we had to suffer through Ms. Chatter Pants again as a yoga instructor, it nonetheless provided me with an hour of peace of mind. Well, relatively speaking. Something that puzzled me though--some of the poses were well-suited for beginners (see Campbell, Angie), but some of the shit she wanted us to do?? FUCK. I doubt even Buddha and his enlightened ass could get into those poses! There was this balancing number that baffled me, but somehow I was able to do it. My quads were hurtin' after though, lemme tell ya.

Reason Two:

I'm allowed to exercise! Yes, I know I've already covered this, but it makes me so deliriously happy that it deserves a second mention. Maybe it's ED, but knowing I can exercise off all the fat they're forcing me to eat makes my heart beat a little slower at bedtime. There wasn't time to go to the gym today because of time limits (everything is so fucking complicated here, I swear) but we were allowed to go for a walk. I was all planning to go for a power walk uphill (the house we're in is located on a fucking steep ass street that I'm scared to drive on)...I even had my iPod all ready to go and was bouncily headed for the door when N asked me if I was going for a walk. When I responded with the affirmative, she asked if she could come with me. Not only did we get a sufficient workout (her walking skills are quite proficient) but we really connected. We got to talk about ED and about how we feel hopeless sometimes and how we just hope that if we're strong enough to get through this, we'll just be better people in the end.

Reason Three:

Individual therapy! I love my therapist. Seriously. If she wanted to adopt an legal adult with an eating disorder, I would totally volunteer. She amazes me with her insight. However, it was this exact thing that changed The Day That Can't Possibly Be Bad into The Day That Made Me Think About A Lot of Depressing Shit I Hadn't Thought Of Before. During our session, I started talking in a very calm, neutral voice--which for me, is odd. Usually I'm in tears and babbling and just an EMOTIONALHOLIC! But I told her that lately, I've been feeling good, but I had a realization last night: I'm feeling good because I'm not feeling anything. I'm numb. I'm void of almost any emotion. I can't feel a goddamn thing anymore. However, when I mentioned this, I started crying. Hard. But I still didn't feel that sad. It was like my body has cues and it was thinking "Okay, we're in therapy. Time to cry!" But then I started to feel something: anger. Extreme, frustrating, uncontrollable anger.

WHY am I angry? I'm angry because my mom has this idea that I don't need anything. Any love, any attention, any concern. For some fucked up reason, she's convinced I can handle anything and everything on my own. When I got to HG, she didn't call me. I didn't talk to her till TWO FUCKING DAYS after I got here. And that's because I CALLED HER. I don't know about you, but if my daughter was driving herself to a TREATMENT CENTER FOR HER EATING DISORDER, I would make damn sure I called her 5 times that day to make sure she was okay. I'm ANGRY because my mom has never showed any emotion and has taught me to surpress mine. I'm ANGRY because my fucking father refuses to acknowledge a problem and FORCED ME TO FUCKING MOVE ACROSS COUNTRY SO HE COULD IGNORE ME FROM A SHORTER DISTANCE.

You know what? I'm ANGRY I had to move to California. I'm not saying I don't like it here now, but I lost A LOT, A FUCKING LOT when I moved and I'm sick of feelings like my feelings of sadness don't fucking deserve validation. I don't give a FUCKING SHIT if it's been 4 months, I'm still recovering from this shit. My home that I grew up in and spent 18 years of my life in is no longer mine, I can no longer see my friends--who I consider my heterosexual soulmates and family (because God knows my real family is fucked up enough)--anytime I want. I'm angry that I had to come out here all alone and turn this extreme hate and anger inside until it was so self-destructive that my body could no longer function properly.

After my session, I had to wait in the office for N to finish hers. I was sitting on the floor, listening to my iPod because I was too drained to write in my journal, and I started sobbing. And for the first time in a long time, I started to feel the sadness. And mourn all the things I lost from the move. I sat there, eyes closed, when all of a sudden I swore a fucking earthquake was happening. I opened my eyes, all freaked out, when I realized that it was me. I was shaking uncontrollably and didn't even realize it.

I was going to try my peanut butter and banana thing today at breakfast, but I chickened out and thought "I'll just try it at lunch." But after that session, I literally could not do it. The thought of eating that made me want to rip my fucking hair out. I went back and forth in my head, trying so hard to fight ED, the voices in my head, but I couldn't.

After feeling hopeless and thinking "I HATE LIFE FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY I'M NEVER GONNA GET BETTER!" I somehow started to feel a little better. It was weird. It was after I ate. I felt rejuvenated. Which made me feel normal. And happy. Normal people feel better once they consume energy!!!! And I felt better, therefore....I felt normal! Kind of!

In group therapy (which was before individual today), we discussed what we need to do to get better. And I realized I need to find the EXACT REASON I want to get better. Of course I want to lead a normal life and be able to go to school and have friends and get a job and all that. But I have nothing specific, nothing that I can say "This MEANS something to me. I'm passionate about this, and I'm gonna make damn sure I beat this fucking thing so I can get it."

I don't know who I am. And I realize that sounds like something from a not-particularly-good episode of "Dawson's Creek", but it's hard for me to imagine life after this thing because right now, I'm nothing. I literally feel as if I don't have an identity or personality. I'm just a robot, going through the motions. I remember the girl I used to be, and I don't want to go back to her. She was unsure, insecure, and unattractive. Then ED came out of his lair after disappearing for 3 and a half years and I became this bitchy, uncontrollable monster who hated herself and was willing to shut out anybody or anything that interfered with ED, which was everybody and everything. So it's hard for me to imagine the Future Angie, the one who isn't so unhappy she won't look in the mirror at herself or the girl who's so consumed by ED she can't see anything else. I don't know who she is, and I'm desperately trying to find her.

And I don't know if I can do that in 18 days.