I know that most of the users on this site will not quite understand this post and that some may be unable to empathize with it; it is an issue that many people never have to deal with. However, it is something weighing heavily on my mind and I feel it can serve three great purposes: first to allow me to vent my frustrations, second to potentially gain some advice from people who can empathize and third to shed some light on this seldom-heard problem.
As many of you may already know, I am a female-to-male transsexual in the process of masculinizing my body. I have been living full time as a guy for going on five months now, not yet on hormones but with the full intention of taking this thing all the way. So far things have been going pretty well with it with the exception of my mom's sudden disdain for anything I do that is mannish. I pass for male about eighty to ninety percent of the time, most often as a twelve-year old boy, with the other times being those when I have to reveal my female ID for things, and even then I earn double-takes from people who cannot make the connection between me and my picture. My professors and fellow students have proved more understanding and tolerant than I could ever have imagined. I have even been fortunate enough to have one of the best gender therapists in the area.
But I have recently hit something of a speedbump...
On Sunday I have a job interview with a manager of a Sonic restaurant for a job as a carhop, and I have to make a tough decision. I can be true to myself, go to the interview as a guy and take a major risk of not getting hired or sell out and go as a chick just so I can have a better chance of earning some money which, ironically enough, would go toward funding the uninsurable therapy and eventually hormones that I would have to hide from management.
I plan on dressing nicely and acting appropriately for the situation however I decide. The problem is that when the very feminine name on my application clashes with the very masculine me, the first instinct is to think of insanity of some kind, especially when people around here generally have no real knowledge of transsexuals. Businesses do not want to hire people they think are crazy. And even if they think me sane, because the job would involve a great deal of contact with customers, they can always say I fail to "fit the image" they are trying to give off.
Technically, to deny me employment would be violating my constitutional right to equal treatment regardless of age, race, religious creed, ethnicity, sex or disability, but Virginia does not have additional laws protecting that equal treatment for gay or transgendered people, or both in my case. If they did refuse to hire me I could sue, but it would be very expensive and there would be no guarantee that I would win as again, the laws protecting me are not there. I live in Virginia, and although some progress has been made over the years, it is still extremely conservative and fairly intolerant of sexual or gender variations. It is still not all that acceptable to be openly gay here, let alone trans...
And I have to factor in the fact that I have no real work experience, which has made a major dent in my employment plans. When I already have that strike against me, do I really want to make them think I am crazy?
But then at the same time I honestly think that if I did sell out and work as a chick, I would probably find some bogus reason to quit because the idea of doing that for 30-40 hours a week is just awful. Just "playing dress-up" when family comes over for holidays is almost unbearable.
It is not just this job opportunity that concerns me. Any job I try to take will carry this same issue until I am fully transitioned.
I see my gender therapist on Saturday, and I am going to ask him about it as well, but I could really use advice on what to do. I really need the money, but I am not sure if I can take going back to girl for such a long time...
Alas, I will probably end up just going as me simply for the sake of preserving my own sanity, however detrimental that may be toward my getting a job...
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I think you've already figured it out for yourself dear. You have to be true to yourself and it's not easy. Goddess knows, I've been there myself with the discrimination thing. I can't count the opportunities I've had to pass up (or those in which I have been overlooked) because I am very openly Pagan and refuse to be anything else for the sake of a paycheck (no matter how nice a bigger salary would be). But, there are people out there who won't judge you on your personal choices, but will instead give you a chance and never think twice about your private life. In the end, you have to live with yourself and your choices and decisions. Is selling out for a job something that you can live with? Is it worth it?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter."
An acquaintance of mine is doing the same thing you are (female to male gender switch) and is in the works for hormones. My friend is actually planning on filming the whole deal for a documentary.
You are right this is going to come up every time you go for a job, and if you falter now it may make it more and more difficult to stick it out. I would go for jobs that have less emphasis on female persona. I think there is a certain expectation for a waitress at a restaurant. Retail jobs, esp. at places like book stores tend to be more accepting and involve less personal contact with patrons, and less risk for an employer. Esp. since you are presumably young (you have no experience) you don't have much to bargain with if the employer takes a dislike to you. I am sure you will find a job with a manager willing to give you a glowing review to your next employer.
Res ipsa loquitur.
memor mori, mahalo.
That documentary sounds so cool! Is it going to be made available publicly when he's done or something? That'd be something I'd like to see (as you don't come across many trans-related documentaries, especially FTM ones).
And I'm applying to a bunch of jobs. This is just the first one to see my lack of experience and still want to interview. And they've been speedy about the whole thing; I think they have a bit of an urgent understaffing problem, which could work really well in my favor...hopefully...
And thanks for the vote of confidence.
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"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Live one day at a time, emphasizing ethics rather than rules."
-Wayne Dyer
I can't say, be true to yourself-go as a guy no matter the consequences, because I know the consequences when one pits stubborn ideology and basic survival. At the same time, I have felt in myself and seen in others the self loathing when something that is so central and core to ones being is bent fraudulently. It breaks us to a level where it almost seems difficult to pick us off the floor, making life miserable beyond miserable.
You seem like the person who it would be better for to be out, even if its tougher, and work on finding a more accepting job, or maybe an under the table job (haha just kidding, thats like illegal) or other alternatives, like working on a legal name change to make things easier on your application.
Some suggestions might be
-a sypathizing relative who may give you an in,
- going to school and applying for federal work study (if you qualify)
-Trying an area/town that may be more sympathetic to LGBT issues
-pagan bookstores
-IT positions (if you have computer skills)
Just be safe. There's a lot of otherwise seemingly nice people who for some bizarre reason suddenly feel its ok to be criminal towards another person solely because that person violates gender issues.
On a light side, have you heard of this comedian?
http://www.myspace.com/ianharvie
Good luck.
www.worldcantwait.com
Oh I am definitely working on getting my name legally changed. Unfortunately when I get the court order and stuff, I have to go through and change my Social Security Number, my driver's license, my school ID, my military ID from which my medical benefits come, my passport and a bunch of other things...all individually, so I have to do it sometime when I can take care of all of that without too much problems. (Changing my name during the middle of a semester, for example, would probably not be a great idea...)
And I never would've thought about a pagan bookstore, even though I often swing by a place to check out some wiccan stuff...hmm....
Other than that though....Most of my relatives don't know and wouldn't be sympathetic if they did. I come from a proud latin family and the life goal for all the women is to have lots of babies (and I mean like actually giving birth to them...and I can't do that stuff...don't know how they can)...and I'm kind of spitting right in the face of that. And since the women in my family are very forceful and dominant, they wouldn't really get the distinction between merely dominant and actually being a guy.
And I don't qualify for work-study, as somewhere along the line the government thought my parents can afford to spent $20-something thousand a year on my college tuition (which they definitely can't...).
I definitely can't move anywhere in the next four years, but I'm thinking of getting my masters in southern Cali. Hopefully that'll help some.
And my computer skills are...decent. I can do a bunch of HTML/BBS stuff and I've got good word processing/typing skills, but I don't know Java or C++ or any of the other uber important stuff...
It's just going to be a long fight to get what's available to everybody else...and I will be careful...
Oh and I checked out the comedian, and he seems awesome! Thanks for the link!
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"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Live one day at a time, emphasizing ethics rather than rules."
-Wayne Dyer
There's not much that hasn't already been said. Just stay true to who you are.
If you're looking to move elsewhere, I would recommend the Bay Area as opposed to Southern California in terms of accepting locations. Southern California is probably way more liberal than Virginia, but everyone down there is -SO- image-oriented. However, the bay area is probably one of the most liberal areas in the nation, especially San Francisco. One thing to look at, though, is the cost of living. It's crazy out here, especially compared to Virginia.
Anyway, I say go for the job! And if you don't get it, screw them. They're just scared of what they don't understand. I admire you for having the strength to do what you're doing, there are so many people who are too afraid to defy their family and stay trapped in a body they don't feel they belong in. You are a role-model for all those in similar situations!
I don't know what Sonics are like out there, but where I am from I have seen plenty of carhops that would not meet up to the perfection standards. I have had experience with many rude ones, ones that actually asked for a tip, and ones who were not very feminine at all. They may not be as worried about physical appearance as you think. And if they are, then move on to someone who does not. If you think your appearance and non-feminine qualities would play a big role in preventing you from getting a job, which I can see what you mean, then maybe you should start out with jobs that do not have much customer contact. Something answering phones like telemarketing; behind the scenes like inventory--I know someone whose job is taking inventory for different businesses and he makes a lot of money doing so; working in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant--it does not necessarily have to be frying things. At a fast food chain I worked at, a big part of the job was prepping things in bulk like lemons, lettuce, tea, etc.; you could work in the drive-thru of a food place; or something more handy. I have no idea of your likes/dislikes and skills, so these are just a few alternatives to look at if you do not get the job. Good luck.
ooh, I had a friend who worked the phones at Victoria secret catologues. He helped customer's get their orders through. I don't know if its a work from home thing or if their might be a distribution center nearby.
www.worldcantwait.com
I got the job!
I went to the interview as myself and was polite and well-spoken, and the manager said that he found me well-dressed and personable and that I could start tomorrow if I was interested.
I'm still kind of on an acceptance high....
Thanks everybody for your warm words and practical advice!
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"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Live one day at a time, emphasizing ethics rather than rules."
-Wayne Dyer
aw that made me happy. congrats!
Congratulations dear!
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter."
I am dancing a celebration jig right now for you. And I feel a tiny bit warmer about the world too.
Res ipsa loquitur.
memor mori, mahalo.
Congratulations my dear...you have a hard and rocky road in front of you. It's going to take a ton of inner strength and a lot of support from your family and friends.
I know it has to be hard on you not having finished your transition, and that to a certain degree you probably hate your female body, but you will be fine and if you ever need to talk I'm here.
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind if I ever need it.
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"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Live one day at a time, emphasizing ethics rather than rules."
-Wayne Dyer
no problem...99.9% of my friends are gay and a lot of them are either pre-op or post-op so i have some definite insight and i can be there if need be.
yaaaay! Good for you!
www.worldcantwait.com
This must be so difficult, and I could only imagine how hard it would be living as something that you don't want to lead. I hope you find a way to get the job and make it through your struggles.
This must be so difficult, and I could only imagine how hard it would be living as something that you don't want to lead. I hope you find a way to get the job and make it through your struggles.
This must be so difficult, and I could only imagine how hard it would be living as something that you don't want to lead. I hope you find a way to get the job and make it through your struggles.
This must be so difficult, and I could only imagine how hard it would be living as something that you don't want to lead. I hope you find a way to get the job and make it through your struggles.
I am soo happy and proud that you went with your gut. I am an out lesbian and have lost jobs for such. It is difficult but living a lie will eat you up inside, and that is no fun!
I am glad an arena such as this exists so that people can speak freely. All of these posts and comments can help others going through the same situation, You are an insperation. :)
Emi
Art is political and Politics is art,
Viva la revolucion!