I am PISSED. I typed out this whole long, philosophical note that would inevitably change someone's life, and when I clicked "Publish", it WASN'T THERE!!! And now I'm in a predicament. It's after midnight, so is it day 55 still, or has it moved on to 56? I guess 55, since I'm writing about today (yesterday?) and before.
It's weird to be known as "the girl in rehab." It doesn't offend me; I just find it interesting that people I definitely don't expect to really know me or care enough to read anything I write or anything like that actually know where I'm at. Ahh, the wonders of Facebook.
Now that I think about it, I've only had to see a few people since "outing" myself. A lot of people I've either a) not seen in a while since they live in Wisconsin or b) have not seen in a while since I 1) no longer attend State and 2) no longer live in the dorms. It was weird seeing ANYONE again, though. It was probably all in my head, but I was paranoid that they were looking me up and down, assessing my appearance to see if I look any different.
Which I totally do. I was showing Aimee some pictures earlier that were taken in October. OCTOBER. Not that long ago. She was all "You look so different!" Now, she could be referring to the fact that in these pictures I have straight hair. She has never seen me with straight hair, as I did not even bring my flat iron with me to the HG. But I'm pretty sure it was my gaunt and sickly thin appearance in these pictures that she noticed. I admit, I kind of thought "Hmm...what does she mean, DIFFERENT?" But I didn't get upset about it. The people here, if anyone, understand this stuff. And yeah, my face HAS filled out. It's obvious. You know how some people's body parts change very quickly with any weight gain or loss? Yep, that's my head for you. My mom always used to tell me "Ohhh, you have such a round face!"
Gee. Thanks.
Anyways, yeah, my face IS a bit round now. But I kind of like it. Aimee took a bunch of pictures when we were at Torrey Pines hiking today, and I admit, I look kind of gross in some of them. But this is more likely due to the fact that I look borderline ALBINO in most of these pictures and my hair is all afro and crazy like. My face is actually a nice-ish shape. GO FACE!
I have some days where I kind-of-sort-of-almost-like-how-I-look-at-least-for-a-few-minutes thoughts. Progress? I THINK SO!
Yesterday was my last group therapy session with our therapist, since she's going to be away next week. And so everyone said their "good byes" to me and read note cards that had been written to me. I was shocked to hear some of the things people said--in a good way. I feel conceited even typing the comments down, but to sum it up nicely, I'm pretty much awesome.
I had this freaky ass dream last night that--to someone without Ed--would be like "Huh, a dream." But to me was a NIGHTMARE.
I was shopping at American Eagle and freaked out I wouldn't fit into my ideal size. I grabbed three pairs of jeans in said size and went to the fitting room, where--for some reason--the employee had to stay with me while I changed. The pants fit, but my ass looked HUGE in them. So big, in fact, that the employee ran and got her co worker and said "Look how big her butt looks!"
I woke up in a sweat, I swear. That's some Freudian shit right there.
Casey and I are hoping to move in together. She's waiting to see if she can get a job out here, but since I get out in 6 days I'm kind of pressed for time. I'm looking at an apartment tomorrow, and unless it's some cracked out ghetto meth lab, I'm taking it!! I lived in a hotel, for God sakes. And in Chappy, with She Who Did Coke and Brought Guys In the Room While I Was Sleeping. I'm pretty sure I can live in a place that's not 4 star.
I would LOVE living with Casey. She's so fun and we get along great and hello?! WE BOTH HAVE EATING DISORDERS!!! She'll know exactly what I mean when I say "DO NOT let me eat after my 8:30 snack" or "Please make sure I have all my exchanges" without having to be like "Ummm....do you have a fat?" and it being awkward. I hope hope HOPE! everything works out.
One of my challenges for the week from my nutritionist is to eat out alone. My response?
"Um. Eating out alone is kind of creepy and weird."
Seriously. I've NEVER gone to a restaurant by myself. Who am I supposed to talk to?? But she recommended a coffee shop type place down town that a lot of people go to alone to work on their laptops and be all intellectual in. Maybe I'll bring my computer. Oooh! And wear my glasses! That might be fun.
But it's extremely late (for me, at least). I wish I had some more earth shattering thoughts to share (which my original post was OOZING with!), but alas, I do not.
Good night.
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