Caged and Beaten: My Thoughts on Graduation

My high school graduation is right around the corner. On Friday, June 6th, there will be an evening ceremony at my school: the first of its kind. This is good, because it opens up Saturday to go to the graduatuions of friends at other schools in the county. It will be cooler, so no one will fry out in the sun. It's nice, and I'm excited that we're getting an evening graduation.

That's about the only part of it I am happy about.

I do not want to go to my graduation. I have an aversion to graduations just as strong as my aversion to Prom and other formal dances. To me, they are just pointless ceremony that don't have as much meaning as everyone tries to force onto them. They are awkward, uncomfortable, and far too costly. I do not feel the need to celebrate my graduation from high school when I am just moving on to another school. It makes me feel as if the school is celebrating the fact that they're getting rid of me and letting me be someone else's problem.

However, I compromised with my parents. They were pushing me to go to both prom and graduation, and I wanted nothing to do with either. I agreed to go to my graduation if they would respect my decision to avoid prom at all costs.

But now, with my graduation just two weeks away, I've been brought face to face with one of the aspects of the ceremony that I do not enjoy in the least. I am required to wear a dress. For most people, this is not a big deal. For me, it is. I gave up dresses many years ago. They are uncomfortable, too expensive, and I can't romp with my dogs or climb a tree in them. Wearing a dress requires me to be neat, and to "be a lady." If any of you have seen my comments, you've seen my signature. I'm not a "lady." I'm a "redneck hippie."

My very personality clashes with the ideals behind dresses. I am polite and respectful. But I am not, by nature, capable of acting as everyone assumes I must when I don a dress. I am loud and rambunctious. I sit on the ground, walk through puddles and mud, and climb trees at random. When I cannot do these things, I feel restrained, and I grow restless and irritable. I become angry, and snap at everyone around me. That also, is un-lady-like behavior. And I just can't help it.

I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable, and I want to at least try to enjoy my graduation. But I am absolutely infuriated that I am required to wear a dress. I don't mind drssing nicely, as long as I am allowed my pants, shorts, or capris. But no. Because I am a girl, I have to be uncomfortable.

But, I reasoned, I promised my dad. I won't be allowed to walk if I don't follow the stupid dress code, and he really wants to see me walk up onto the stage and recieve my diploma. So today, my closet being devoid of dresses, I went out and got one.

Another issue hit me as soon as we started looking. Not only do I hate dresses, but I am highly conservative when it comes to clothing. A dress must be floor length, high cut, and have some sort of sleeve that covers my shoulders. Let me tell you, it is nigh on impossible to find a dress that fits those qualifications. Especially if the dress you need is required to be white. No one carries anything conservative that is white anymore. Not around here, anyway.

Much frustration blossomed. We went from store to store, and I could find nothing. My mom grew increasingly irritated with me. Everything was spiraling downhill fast.

Finally, I was forced to compromise. I did not want to get into an argument with my mom in the middle of the store, and I wanted to get home and have the shopping trip be over.

It started with a hat. I have an unhealthy obsession with hats. This ione is big and floppy and white with tan stripes. I wanted it. So I decided that I would find a dress to match that hat, and that would be the end of things. The only dress in the store matched it. But it isn't floor length, and is just barely cut high enough for me to even consider wearing it. The shoulder straps are not wide enough to make me happy, but they're better than spaghetti straps. I am going to be infintely uncomfortable, self-conscious, and irritated. And I know that being in a dress will start everyone on calling me "cute" again. I detest being called "cute."

I really want to back out. But at this point, with cap and gown bought and graduation only two weeks away, it's far too late. I'm stuck, and I've been forced to compromise. As a result, I won't be happy at my graduation. I will try, but I can't be happy when I'm uncomfortable. I can't be happy when everyone is watching me, fawning over me, and making a bigger deal out of the entire thing than it really is.

Why can't we all just have some sort of huge picnic in a state park to comemorate and celebrate graduating from high school? Wouldn't something that is fun create more happy memories to look back upon? Why do we have to have all of these rules, the formality, and well, everything that graduation is. It is not who I am. It is everything I am not. And because of that, my already tarnished memories of high school will be wrapped up in a bow of unhappiness.

Yes, I'm just a little bitter. But in this instance, I can't help it. I am desperately clinging to who I am, needing to be expressive, and instead, I am being caged. I'll bear it, and get through it. I'll do it to make my parents happy. But I know that, just like the single time I went to the Homecoming Dance, I'll be crying inside, feeling trapped and beaten.

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