Hallmark Doesn't Make a Card for This

Today, to waste time, I went to Hallmark.com to send e-cards to college friends that are now scattered across the US.  I went to send a card to my friend, we'll call her X, who is now teaching elementary school.  X hates to e-mail and dislikes the phone so unless I am in her immediate vicinity I probably won't hear from her.  That was alright when we were all in college together, especially since X and I were roommates for three years, but not now.  I wanted to send her a general friendship card, something along the lines of: Have a good day and call me sometime.

However, as I was browsing the selection of free e-cards I became aware of something strange going on.  I realized that I didn't feel any feelings of friendship towards X anymore.  I read all of the cute little blurbs about friendship and felt like sending any of them to X would be a lie on my part.

I know this has been coming on for awhile.  X is a very self-centered person.  Not selfish.  She can be very generous and giving when she notices someone else is having a problem.  It's just that it takes a lot to get her to notice someone else in the first place. I can be selfish but I'm not self-centered.  I like to nurture other people.  Picture that, three years of a giver and a taker living together. 

I don't want to make her sound like a bad person.  X has overcome a lot in her life.  She has a good sense of humor and is very talented.  While I am aware of these good qualities I don't feel their goodness anymore.  All I feel when I think about her is a kind of fear as if, just by thinking about her, she will somehow take advantage of me again.

I wish I could do something about it.  I wish it was easier for me to forgive her.  I wish she would grow up a little more.  I wish we could return to the first year of friendship when we were wide-eyed freshmen full of dreams for life and planning to take over the world, or at least campus, together. 

Both of us have changed, grown, a lot since then and maybe the end of our friendship had to be part of that.  Both of us have seen a lot more of the world.  Forgive my pride, but I feel that I especially have shed many of my illusions since my freshmen year. 

Where does that leave X and I?  Our pasts and our paths are tied together by common places and common people.  Neither of us are where we planned we would be right now and I don't think either of us knows what to do next. 

If anyone on the site works for Hallmark could you make an e-card for this?

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