The Flame of Shame Doused, My Olympic Dream Deferred

Plans change over the course of a lifetime. My plan for much of my life was to be an Olympian. This wasn't just a silly childhood dream, like wanting to be an astronaut, a teacher, AND a rockstar at the age of six. I was an undefeated athlete at the age of eighteen, with a Big Ten scholarship and a real shot at Olympic glory. But like I said, plans change.

I became a small fish in the Big Ten pond, cracked under pressure, developed an eating disorder, and gave up all hope of competing in the Olympics. This did not end my Olympic dream, though. If anything, it strengthened my belief in the promise of the Olympic Games. I've held fast to a belief that the Games bring out the best in us. Until this year, that is.

This year may be the end of my Olympic dream.

I gave up track and field thirteen years ago for deeply personal reasons. Even so, I consider the sport to be MY sport, and I stop everything for two weeks of Olympic track events. Do not speak to me if there is a big black oval on the screen! I will not hear you until they cut to archery. I will be jumping up and down, yelling, cheering, and possibly crying. There are other televised track and field meets, but I don't get as caught up in them as I do the Olympics.

The English major in me loves the deeper meaning of the Olympics. I actually watch all four hours of the opening ceremonies and analyze the metaphor of the modern dance. I weep over the underdog teams from developing nations, who embody what the Olympic dream means to me. Sure, we keep a medal count, and the Games are a competition, but to me, the Games have always been the pinnacle of human achievement. These athletes work their entire lives to make it to the Games. They sacrifice careers, relationships with family and friends, and financial success for the opportunity to represent their country on the world stage in a celebration of our shared humanity. Cultures may clash, but physical bodies all work the same way.

So what is different about this year? Has anything changed? The Olympics remain a worldwide festival in which nations set aside their differences and celebrate the ability of the human form. Given, this, oughtn't we set aside our differences with China, in the spirit of the Olympic Games?

These questions, sparked by the protests and dousing of the Olympic torch, have led me to investigate my Olympic mythology. What I have learned is cracking the alabaster shell of my Olympic idols.

According to the UK news site, Times Online, the Olympic torch has never been doused intentionally during a relay, until this year. Before this year's security problems, only weather has put it out, and that has only happened twice in history.

The Olympic Museum states, "In the context of the modern Games, the Olympic flame represents the positive values that Man has always associated with fire. The purity of the flame is guaranteed by the way it is lit using the sun’s rays." These values include ritual, light, warmth, cooking, protection, and creation. The Olympic Museum site states that the Olympic flame can ONLY be lit through a parabolic mirror by the sun's rays. If this is the case, the light that is currently touring is not the Olympic flame. Are they really re-lighting the torch with a mirror after every dousing? They are supposed to use stand by lanterns that were lit by the sun, but in the panic of the San Fransisco route changes, do they really? I no longer trust anything surrounding the torch.

It's a sham, and the protesters calling it "the Flame of Shame" are right. There are far worse deceptions around the flame, though. The handing off of the flame from person to person and nation to nation is supposed to represent world unity and a spirit of peaceful teamwork. The relay was instituted in the year 1936 for the Berlin Olympics. The intention of Carl Diem, the organizer of the XI Olympiad, was far from this spirit. The relay was instituted to highlight Hitler's ideals and to draw a connection between the Greek dominance of the civilized world in ancient times and the Nazi plans of world domination.

And then there's the saddest sham of them all...the athletes. These are the people who were able to do what I could not. I know how hard I worked to achieve Olympic glory, only to fall far short. I have admired them for their ability, their fortitude, their focus. They have paid me back by cheating. For years I have given athletes a pass, excusing each new positive drug test as a "fluke" and not evidence of widespread fraud. Then Marion Jones admitted to doping. My heart broke. I have long fooled myself into believing that none of MY heroes would ever use performance enhancing drugs. I hope that Jackie Joyner-Kersee has never used, but how can anyone be sure? No one is clean, if anyone is dirty.

I don't know if I will be able to watch the Games this year, and it has little to do with China's involvement. I have not yet decided if I feel a boycott is appropriate, given the supposed spirit of the Games; however, I'm now questioning the very Olympic spirit that has brought me to tears so many times before. Olympic gold is forever tarnished. The 2008 Olympics may make me a gold medalist in cynicism. It's not exactly the medal I'd planned to win.