A Glass of Wine, Your Favorite Easy Chair...And Of Course, The Republican Debate

Sometimes you need to say to yourself, "Hey. It's time to relax." And that's why I'm going to take some pot-shots at the Republican candidates for President, seeing as how they're fresh from another debate. Of course, I am a liberal, liberal man, but don't take it personally, conservatives. I'll mock the Democrats as best they can once I get a transcript of their next debate. You have my word.

So, here's the scoop: Everybody got together in a small room with cameras in it and proceeded to have a political pissing contest as to who was more conservative. It was a schoolyard, folks. "Nyah!" "Nyah!" "Well my dad can beat up your dad!", et cetera. The best line I recall was this: "I wasn’t a governor for a short period of time. For 20-some years,
including leading the largest squadron in the United States Navy, I
led. I didn’t manage for profit. I led for patriotism." That was John McCain there, reminding everyone that hey! He's a vet. But that line made my comedian's mind go all sorts of places due to the syntax problems. You don't really "manage" a fleet. Nor do you lead "for" patriotism. Patriotism is a notoriously bad employer to work for. "Do it for America!" doesn't buy you bread to eat. On the plus side, the government can't take taxes out of your patriotism.

I know perfectly well what he meant, people; I was simply making a weak, weak English major joke. Forgive me, please.

The thing that cracks me up about negative campaigns this early is that they give ammunition to the other side. Everything that the Republicans use against each other is going in a score of Democratic notebooks. "Guys! Guys! Romney's against gay rights now! Let the spinning begin, me hearties!" Yo ho, sling the man down.

Mitt Romney was a real card. (Fast Fact about our boy Mitt: When I typed his name in the bar for tags up above this post, the first thing that came up under "Mitt" was "sexually transmitted diseases." You guys can go ahead and make your own polygamy jokes. Don't forget to submit them to the A-Team, they'll love 'em.) He said that the way to stop Hillary Clinton from getting ito the White House was not to start acting like her. So, what? Does this mean Giuliani will have to start acting human? And I suppose Huckabee will need to return that Darth Vader mask. Plus, all those belly-laugh lessons for nothing. Down the drain...sigh.

There was one item I found interesting. Duncan Hunter is apparently a candidate from Kaahleeforrneeyah. I've never heard of this man, and can only assume that he's gotten really big really fast. He's got his finger on the pulse of one-upsmanship, though, that's for sure. He was so desparate to prove his conservative credentials that he attacked JFK, accusing him of failing to drive Castro out of Cuba. Couldn't he see that JFK had a cunning plan to kill Castro by way of old age?

But seriously, attacks on JFK are lame, period. He's been dead since '63. Try picking on a man who you can talk to, let alone one your own size. And doesn't Hunter's attack apply to every president since JFK too? So Carter is bad, Reagan is bad, Bush 1 is bad, Clinton is bad, and Bush the Sequel is also bad. That's a selection of the most conservative people ever. The thought of someone who's more of a neocon than Reagan is...disconcerting. I didn't know they manufactured pure evil. I got the impression that was a controlled substance.

Also humorous was Romney's attack on Hillary for creating a health care plan that would have "government take it over" for the sole reason that he managed to find the one thing that Hillary created that doesn't expand the government and accusing her of expanding the government. Oh, Mitty! You deserve a sitcom.

So I got a good chuckle out of these clowns. They're only dragging conservatism's good name through the mud, and crippling each other's chances of winning in November '08. But then I stopped laughing, because in the words of Huey Freeman, "It's all fun and games until one of these guys gets elected."

Samus out.