Get Me Some Advil and Some Fucking Earplugs: Day 16

Oh, my god. Maybe I'm just a bitch. Maybe I'm hypocritical, or maybe I just have absolutely no compassion for other people.

BUT THE NEW PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!

Barbara, Barb, Babs, Babbie....oh, you sweet middle-aged woman you. STOP CRYING DURING CHECK IN AFTER MEAL TIMES!! I seriously can't stand it. When we say "My intention for the meal was blah blah blah....and I'm feeling blah" she'll say "I'm feeling *choke* SAD!" and just burst into tears. It gets old, B-Money, real old. And she has this annoying habit of reading each question aloud before answer.

B-Thugz: "'What was your intention for the meal?' Well, my intention for the meal was..."

"'What eating disordered behavior did you display?' Eating disorder behavior I displayed was..."

THIS IS NOT A TERM PAPER, BARB. THERE'S NO NEED TO SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES!!!

And Laura? Tonight was dessert night, which here at Harmony Grove, is about as welcome as Bill Clinton at a Confederacy Meeting. NONE of us like the dessert (even though I made it...and it was BOMB! Thankyouverymuch). But little Miss Laura from Missouri couldn't handle the dessert, threw a hissy fit, and didn't eat it. Bitch, please. Well guess what, Laur Laur? To make up for that, you're gonna have to drink a can of Ensure, which the nutritional content isn't covered for...AND IT'S WORSE THAN THE DESSERT!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love knowing the caloric content they provide in the cookbooks. Silly Harmony Grove. Eating disordered girls will ALWAYS notice nutritional information if provided.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

I'm no better than them. I'm seriously not. Today, for example, we went to the Meditation Gardens, which is gorgeous, and I just started WEEPING. Not crying...no, no, WEEPING. SOBBING. One of those cries that is audible and embarrassing. But everyone there was in a deep meditative state, and as far as I could tell, no one noticed. I sure felt pretty gay though, not gonna lie. Add that to the fact that my bladder has apparently shrunk to the size of a peapod, so while I was making my way to the bathroom for, oh...the 47th time today, I ran into Megan, the staff member working today, and she asked me if I was okay.

Me: "Um, yeah!" (Fake smile that hurt to even make).
Megan: "Have you been crying?"

Damn. The staff here is pretty fucking perceptive. So she walked me to the bathroom, and we stood outside talking. And she gave me some advice that I hope I don't forget.

Eating disordered people--as well as "normal" people as well--see things in black and white.

You're fat or you're thin.

You starve or you binge.

You're deep in the throes of your disorder or you deny there's even a problem.

Well, what we EDdies (hehe) tend to forget is that there are shades of gray. And even if, during recovery, we feel hopeless or tempted to act on our behavior or even go through and actually ACT on our behavior, you're still better off for having those days of abstinence than you were before. Before, when you didn't realize or denied there was a problem, you were in an all black area. And the all white area--which, in this case, will never be TRULY all white--perhaps more of a cream or eggshell cover--is the area where you have the thoughts, but can control them and not act on them. Right now, I'm in the gray area. I know there's a problem, I want to fix it, but I'm not there yet. I have a long, long way to go.

So yay! Nice to meet you, 2008. You might think a New Year's Eve spent in an eating disorder recovery center would be lame. WRONG. Does playing Imaginiff and then talking about numerology over herbal tea sound LAME to you???

Yeah. It is. But honestly, it was just what i needed. I wasn't even going to stay UP until midnight. I was fucking exhausted. 10:30 came, and I'm like "I'm ready! Sleep, here I come!" But no. I toughened up and stayed up till 12:30-ish. It helped that there were fireworks from Sea World going off that could be seen from my bedroom, so Nicola, Lori, and I stayed up to watch.

I have a big decision to make. And, if someone else were in my position, I'd be like "BITCH! Why you thinkin?? It's OBVIOUS, you dumbass!" but it's not. It's the whole black-and-white thing, and there are many shades of gray in this decision. I don't want to say what it is until I talk to some people first, but it's on my mind and I just needed to get it out somehow.

I'm also having trouble distinguishing what I'm really thinking now. Is it me, or is it Ed?? I've talked about this before, but it's a reoccurring question that I find I'm asking myself. A lot of times I want to chalk it up to Ed, but I don't really know. I still feel like it's taking the easy way out.

I like to play this game. I try to make it last as long as possible, but it's usually only a couple minutes. It's fun for the whole family, only one player is needed, and it's suitable for ages 2-99.

It's called I Don't Have An Eating Disorder.

Sometimes I'll just think "Okay, for today, I don't have one. I'll eat what I'm supposed to, not think about it, and move on."

Yeaaaah. If it actually worked, I wouldn't be here in the first place.

Random fact? Today, during one of my bathroom emergencies, I was forced to piss with the door open. And Megan waiting outside. You KNOW you want to get better when you're willing to pee with the door open.

We saw The Kite Runner today. Whenever we go to the movies, I always get super excited and get a diet soda. Not because I necessarily want one, because usually I don't, but just because we're not allowed to have it in the house. And I LOVE feeling like I still have choices. Because it feels like choices + structure= a happy and healthy Angie!!!

I've sent out a lot of sappy messages lately. Not a lot. Like 2, actually. But there are these random times during the day that I just get horribly, horribly depressed and I'm like "SHIT! What can I do??" It sucks. Manic depressive, much? Maybe I need some meds. Haha, crazy person joke. No, I'm just kidding. I'd rather do this au natural.

So it's the first day of a new year. I've cried, I've laughed (just hearing the name "FORCEWIELDER7" emits a giggle from me...idk why I'm even mentioning it, since it's an HG inside joke and no one from there reads this...but I digress). Hopefully this year goes better than the last.

Because I can say, it will be hard for it to be worse.

14

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