Deadbeat Moms and the affect it had on me

Even though a lot of the time when couples split, it's almost always the mother who wants/ gets custody of children. But I also don't want the greater population to over look that small percentage of dads who fight for their kids and who has full custody and supports their kids, sometimes alone. There are deadbeat moms too, when the parent bails, doesn't have to pay child support, do the court system favors mothers more? Also, there are mothers who cease to be involved in their children lives for exception of holidays...even then it might be a little sketchy. Why is this important to me you say?

Well, you see my parents divorced when I was 17 and separated when I was 16 and I have a 8 year old brother now (who is awesome by the way) who was about 4 or 5 and too young to understand whats going on. So, back to the story, one day I woke up went to school as usual and I came home. I went in the refrigerator to grab something for lunch, and put it in the microwave...hm, odd the microwave was gone. As I looked around the house I see many emptied closet and lastly I go up to my parents room and I see all of my moms stuff is gone. I thought "Well ok fine" I mean they fought a lot at that time so I wasn't devastated or anything when they got a divorced. After a few days of being puzzled things got a lot more interesting...and a lot worse.

Saturday, a brisk October morning about 11:00 in the morning my dad was at the store and I had just gotten home from a 1/2 day at school so I was watching my brother, we went to the basement to watch tv for a bit. All the sudden I hear a loud knock, now being 16 and watch a 5 year old and your dad is gone for the time being I was a bit freaked out. So, I go and peek out the window and who do I see? My mom, he sister, and her brother yelling for me to open the door. Now I would but I'm like thinking "wtf is going on" so I try to remain quite but with a small child thats nearly impossible, as the noise grew I called my dad. He came home and they both quite frankly made jackasses of themselves by arguing...right there...in the front yard. I just took my brother and played with him a bit because he doesn't need to hear it.

At this time I was in my senior year of high school, applying to colleges, taking my ACT...all the norm. I also had other responsibilities that year also at school so this whole drama thing didn't help. I tired to keep my eyes on the prize (graduating getting into college), which went fairly well...I graduated in the top 10 and got into one of my top schools that I am currently attending (Michigan State University) while managing to help my dad out with my brother (babysitting, running to the store, picking up extra house chores, etc) and visiting my mom, it started out semi-civil but it get worse.

A couple months after things were okay for the most part or at least as good as they were going to get, but now every time I tried to talk to my dad or my mom I'd say a lot of the time they always badmouthed each other...to me! In my find I'm going shut...up, but what came out was a silent nod and a plea too not ever do that in front of my brother, no fighting , no anything...they complied, at least they got one thing accomplished.

Fast forward again to, June-August of 2004. Woot! High school graduation ^_^ both of my parents and family attended, at this time both my parents were dating other people. Anywho, that is also the month when the divorce was finalized, yup all done over with. But that was just the beginning...the bad mouthing got worse and I get calls from both sides while I'm at college, about how the other is doing something wrong. Now as if I didn't have enough to worry about I have to listen to their problems too, a little 17 year old away from home for the first time trying to adjust to college and talking about problems frankly I didn't care to hear. So the only time I called home was to talk to my brother, during that whole time, I looked out for him as much as I could I tried to make sure he didn't hear the fights (before they got divorced, when I was home)...and to let him know that everything will be fine and when I left for school that I will be home soon and he can talk to me anytime he wants on the phone. But now that I wasn't there I have to admit I did worry about it.

Now let go to....December of 2004 done with first semester of college and i did HORRIBLE. I blame myself mostly for letting my emotional problems get in the way of my goals and not seeing a counselor or something. That is probably the beginning of the darkest moment in my life, I slept.....a lot...a whole lot....for 12, 14, 16 hours at a time because when I went to sleep (at least in my mind at the time) that was the only time I was ever happy..I stopped trying to make friends, I didn't really like to participate in things I loved to do anymore and I kept it all a secret...no one knew, not my roommates not my parents. When I did tell my parents my grades I just said well college is hard I know I screwed up I'll do better next time. Spring semester I did a lot better (got A, B+ and two C's (P.S. I hate math and geography)) I was getting out more but every once in awhile that same feeling would creep back up, I even remember sitting on the floor next to the phone with a number to the schools psychiatrist number on it, but I didn't call. Even though my Spring semester was much better, although not the best I was capable of doing, it wasn't good enough...my worse fear had came true, I was recessed, for those of you who don't know what that means...it means you cannot enroll in school for an entire academic year due to bad grades. Oh no, what am I going to do, I wasn't supposed to be like "those people" I thought.What am I going to tell my dad? How will I explain it ? Well I didn't get yelled at, I wasn't even given a lecture. You see he cares but I was always one of those kids you wouldnt have to tell to do their homework, because I'd already have it done.

So I went home, instead of sitting feeling sorry for myself I got a job. And we moved from the city to the suburbs of Farmington, MI in June 2005 and that was also the last time I saw my mom, and frankly I no longer wanted to see her. Why? Because I got sick of the bad mouthing on both side and I just snapped and I firmly but respectfully spoke to my parents about how I was feeling (which I mainly kept to myself) of what I had to say. My dad said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again (which he didn't, at least in front of me) and to let me know if he says anything that I might not feel comfortable with him saying around me or my bother. My mom, well...I got yelled at. I was told to act like an adult and that I can't tell her what she can and can't say and she'll say whatever she wants...and that was it. I haven't seen her nor cared to talk to her since then.

Also, I should mention my mom handed over custody of my brother and I (when I was still a minor), there wasn't a nasty custody batter or anything. Thats fine also, but then the issue of child support cam up not too long later. My mom said she should have to pay for me because I was 'almost an adult" and she would "only pay what she could" for my brother, which for a short time was 40 dollars every blue moon. The courts didn't really do much to enforce it, but they put my dad through all kinds of loops when he tired, and still trying, to get it.

Yesterday when he called me he said he went to court and they said "just pay what you can" and hes like what? Yeah, they thought that he was paying it...not the other way around. I find that funny how when it's reverse a lot of cases they either pay up or get garnish, or go to jail...but they said they cant have my mom pay because they don't have her address, wtf!? I'm sure the courts can easily find it, either this is a gross case of border lining gender discrimination, or a really messed up court system..but sadly he can't move it to another court.

So during that time, when I wasn't at university, I got 2 part time jobs and babysat while my dad went to work at night and saved my money so I could afford to go back to school when the time came, since my dad was the only one working now. In January I decided to take 10 credits at a local community college, that was fun....I enjoyed it but I still missed MSU. But I took the classes got a overall B average (not bad for someone who worked 45-60 hours a week) and applied for reinstatement at MSU and I got accepted back, and I enrolled for the Fall semester of 2006. So I called my dad told him the great news and then I just started planning to buy books and stuff and pay whatever left over tuition I had, which I paid completely by myself ^_^ My brother was done with his firs year in elementary school, and happy and doing great, things were looking up.

Fast forward to July 2007...I finished my first year back at MSU, and totally kicked butt got involved on campus met some great friends, got 3rd place in Progressive U's Blogging for Progress Scholarship and thinking about applying to graduate school (which I am doing next year)...my brother is doing great in school and grew...a lot (he's tall for his age) and my dad got re-married. Yup, he re-married someone he met at his work (at that time), and I'm totally fine with that, she's more like a mom to my brother and I then our biological mom has been in the past I'd say, six or seven years. That and we have things in common, where the only thing me and my real mom had was shopping...and oh yeah...shopping.. She's really nice and respects my dad and us and everything is currently going really well, although her transition into step-parenthood has been a bit funny at times ^_^ but at lest shes trying. My brother calls her mom, I call her by her first name when speaking directly to her but if I'm speaking about her I just say "my mom and dad". Her family is probably some of the nicest people you'd meet...at least to me and is very open minded.

Now, after all of my rambling, now it's Nov. 14th, 2007. My birthday was Nov. 11th, I'm 21 my brother is in the 3rd grade, my dad seems happy, we can afford to go on vacations and whatnot now (not expensive ones) we love in a home in a city were the people are friendly for the most part and just very great place to live. As for me I am still trying to overcome a few issues, mainly talking to my mom again without, yelling, crying, or all the above, but for the first time in years, in general, I feel happy, and I think that the things I've been through have made me a stronger person. So I guess I should thank my mom because if things would turn out differently I wouldn't be the person I am now . She doesn't pay child support, she owes back child support of my brother and I and she calls when she's feeling lonely or when its my brothers birthday...I've thought about calling, to be the bigger person and apologize, but I have nothing to apologize for.And also I don't' need to bring back the negative people in my life, I will mend bridges when the time is right, if it's ever right. i will call her one day but not today, but she knows my number if she wants to call.

The moral of the story is there are deadbeat moms too, and the court system, society and others need to realize that even though it might not be as many, it still deserves attentions and the dads who are great parents and who chooses to raise their kids and be involved in their lives gets the credit and recognition they deserve because all too often we forget that for very "supermom" there's a "superdad" too. :)

Thank you for reading, this really long-winded, scattered with a few pointless details, blog haha...I just felt like writing today.