I’m hearing my roommate sniffle after hearing yet another bad story about her boyfriend. Once again, her boyfriend has done something wrong. Once again, he’s hurt her in one way or another. And I feel like nothing I could do could make a difference in this situation.
To protect her identity, we’ll say her name is Carmen. Carmen and Adam have been going out for five years almost, starting when Carmen was a freshman and Adam a sophomore in high school. They were seemingly the perfect couple: both in band, both equally tall, and both liked basketball. Heck, they even looked like they were related! So things just seemed so peachy for Carmen and Adam. She was obsessed over him and he was likely to never stray from her….have you noticed all the “seems” and “likelys” yet?
Now we’re in college, freshman year, and I can’t believe how disillusioned I was about their relationship. Last year I started noticing some abberations from the act of a perfect couple. Carmen had a best friend, who happened to be male, and Adam never let her live it down. It wasn’t in a joking manner, it was in the obsessed, jealous boyfriend manner. He started listening to ludicrous rumors about Carmen and her male friend. This relationship was turning from perfect to suspicious of a hidden nature.
Since we’re in the same dorm room, I hear everything. They talk on the phone every single day, perhaps multiple times a day. That’s not the problem. That’s normal boyfriend-girlfriend behavior. However, he yells at her on almost a daily basis. She’s always being verbally abused by this guy, and I admit it angers me.
She caves under his insults and his insinuations. She’s turning into a mess because of him. I’ve done my typical thing: Offering advice from the third person perspective to help solve a problem. I used to be great at this in high school, but it appears that my kindly advice giving has lost it’s potency. Carmen doesn’t listen to me or understand that her boyfriend is being abusive and too demanding. I’m trying to let her know that he doesn’t have to physically harm her to be abusive.
Still she is with this guy. Still, I hear my friend crying and obsessing over this boy who isn’t even worth her attention. This is not the hypothetical friend that is actually me. This is a real situation, and I’m not sure what to do. How do I convince her that something is amiss? How do I steer my friend away from a potentially worse situation?
All you can do is be honest with her and support her if she does work up the courage to leave him. The rest is up to her. As much as you would love to see her make the decision to break it off now, it is her decision and she, unfortunately, won't make it until she is ready to do so.
You can also call a domestic abuse center for more ideas and ways to help your friend. They just as often talk to friends and family members of victims as they do to victims themselves so can likely give you all sorts of ideas that you've not yet considered.
Good luck.
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~Fallon~
“What is insanity, anyway? Is it when you scream and everyone else whispers, or is it when you fight for what's right, even when everyone else thinks your wrong?” Ethergoth
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Thanks for the ideas, Fallon!
This is an issue that oh to common among my friends. One of my good friends is going through the same though.... Though I feel their both a little "crazy" and both do things to disapoint each other. He's very controling, and she just keeps running back... why? It's a pattern, that I too followed not too long ago. Now that I look back, i realize what a fool I was and how much i regreted all that watsted time. In time she will come around, but you need to support her, help her stand up for herself, but always remember not to cross that line. You will become the bad one in the end.
Luck!
Thanks for the luck, but I hope I won't need it.
I will support my friend, because it feels that's the best thing I can do for now.
Thanks for the comment, ashleyyelk.