The Jaded News -- Sunday, 11 June 2006

World News

*On Thursday this week, reports came out that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed when the
United States dropped two 500lb bombs on the small house where he was reported to have been. These reports were accompanied by a creepy photograph of Zarqawi, which was matted and framed, in a fashion reminiscent of 19th century “death books”. The image, of course, was not of a man who was hit by a thousand pounds of American bombs, he rather looked like he had passed out after a bar fight. So, Friday’s follow up reports stated that “Zarqawi was still alive after the bombs hit” and that he “tried to get up, and mumbled something unintelligible, before dying”. Yeah, right. Sure he did. Some have begun to speculate that American special forces killed Zarqawi some time ago, and that the Bush administration was keeping his dead body in a freezer until the opportune moment. Officials have not commented on this, or any other, conspiracy theories related to the death of Zarqawi.

*On Saturday, Hamas, (Palestine’s ruling party) has called off the truce with
Israel. Courteously, Hamas sent Israel a nice note, typed professionally on “death to Israel – death to
America” stationary; unfortunately, it was taped to a rocket. Israeli officials were unable to find the note amid the charred and broken cement, but they guess that it might have said something about “Zionist dogs” and then asked why
Israel doesn’t trust Hamas. The governmental faction of Hamas does not, however, denounce this new violence, as it is retaliation for the killing of seven Palestinians on Friday – Friday’s killing, was not retaliation, but rather an accident according to the Israeli military. “Something’s gotta give here,” said an unnamed international official, “Unfortunately; it’s more likely that the ground itself will give before either Israel or
Palestine.” The Jaded News longs for the days when Muslims and Jews worked together to get rid of the evil Crusaders.

*In Warsaw this week, thousands of homosexuals and their straight allies braved abuse from skin-heads and their dumb allies, holding a rally to promote gay rights in
Poland. The 3,000-6,000 colorful demonstrators were surrounded by an additional 2,000 police officers, and approximately 114 skinheads and/or morons. The skinheads threw eggs, held signs, and generally made asses of themselves with anti-communist chants – apparently they don’t know who they’re protesting. In the mean time,
Poland’s conservative Prime Minister, Kazimierz Marcinkiewcz has likened homosexuals to a disease whose spread must be stopped. Gee, that sounds familiar… I wonder who else said that… oh yeah, Hitler. Way to go Kazi, you just kamakazi-ed your political career.

*
Mount
Merapi, one of Indonesia’s favorite active volcanoes is still worrying residents this week, even though its gas emissions have lowered, in accordance with the
Kyoto treaty. On Saturday, the heat clouds emitted from Merapi were much less in number than the 109 clouds emitted on Friday. This volcanic activity has left even atheists wondering “what does God have against
Indonesia?”

National News

*On the same day that
US forces killed Abu Mousad al-Zarqawi, disgraced former congressman Tom “The Hammer” Delay resigned for good, giving lovers of democracy two things to celebrate. The slimy republican from Texas (who gives both republicans and Texas a bad name – which, albeit, isn’t hard to do), who has been indicted on several counts including breaking Texas’ only law regarding campaign finance, still thinks that he’s done no wrong. Of course he hasn’t, he’s The Hammer. The Jaded News would like to toast The Hammer and his resignation: may the lord bless and keep Tom Delay… in a minimum security prison.

*The stupidest girl in Michigan returned from her stupid excursion to the
Middle East yesterday. 16-year-old Katherine Lester flew to the Middle East to meet a 25-year-old man she had met on Myspace.com, after tricking her parents into letting her get a passport so she could go to
Canada with some friends. Luckily, she was apprehended in Amman, Jordan before reaching her final destination in the
West Bank. Upon returning home, she was immediately grounded for the rest of her life. We hope.

*The first tropical depression of 2006, poised to be named Alberto, after Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, has formed off the coast of
Mexico. The Bush administration sees this as a sign from God that it’s okay for them to screw
America further, and an abolition of FEMA has been proposed. It is likely the storm will sail over central Florida, and batter the shores of Georgia and
South Carolina. Unfortunately, all of the Homeland Security funds have been allocated to
Omaha, Nebraska to protect its numerous cows from terrorists, and no funds will be available for those states at the mercy of the 2006 hurricane season.

*The last story in the Jaded News this week is about a cat, a bear and a tree, in
Milford, NJ. On Sunday, 4 June, Suzanne Giovanetti saw her neighbor’s cat Jack (a 15-pound orange tabby) staring up at a small black bear that had climbed up a tree in her backyard. Thinking that the cat was only looking at the bear, Suzanne watched as, when the bear climbed down, Jack chased it into another near-by tree. Realizing that the much larger animal was actually afraid of the hissing cat, Giovanetti called her neighbor, who called Jack away from the tree. The bear went back into the woods. A final score was released with Bears 0, Cats 2. The Cats will be going on to the World Cup.

That’s it for the Jaded News this week. Tune in next week when there will be more reports of scandal and of course the hilarity that ensued. To contact the Jaded News or to suggest a story email thejadednews@yahoo.com