Anyone who's familiar with Myspace knows about the "About Me" section. Sometimes it's long, sometimes (like mine) it's empty, and sometimes it has a long survey w/ sexual preferences towards the end. Typical SoCal entry: "I like tall, blond, blue eyed boys like the Abercrombie models!"
I've been pretty amused at how boring some people's About Me entries are, ones that are like this:
"I like to chill at my jacuzzi and go to movies."
I got that line from a guy (named Dick) who's been trying to piss me off at parties lately (I drunkenly told his friend, Dicker, that if Dick lost 30 lbs. he would be a dead ringer for Jim Morrison).
Maybe it's the vagueness or the slang. Most About Mes have been smacking of cliches or something. Here's an About Me that really throws down:
"I am an only child in a condo with my parents. I survive off my savings and the occasional handout from my mother. I am 5'7 .5''. I weigh 142 on a bad day, 140 on an average day, and 138 on a good day. I have been trying to lose weight. I tried eating a healthy breakfast, smoking cigarettes, skipping meals, drinking and eating salads. Nothing suppressed my appetite until one morning I started with a grande iced marble mocha macchiato w/ whipped cream. After I sucked the last of that, I poured a can of doubleshot over the ice and forced a slice of starbucks cake down my throat. I became jumpy and ate nothing more than a half a cup of noodles for dinner. The next morning I was 138 lbs. I look forward to my next Star-effs trip.
I am proud to live a school-and-work-free summer. I was living a school-and-work-free spring too, but no one would admit that. I like to go to different places and complain to/with whomever I am with. I like to brag about my designer purses, although I harbor a deeply embarrassing secret: they were acquired from a Four Seasons lost and found by my maid mother.
I like to listen to music, but I cannot eloquently explain why I am drawn to bands like the Replacements, Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers, and whatever other group that has quasi-depressing lyrics and a junkie who writes them. "I think the band is hot first off, and then the music thing becomes a factor..." That's not too eloquent.
I am obsessed with youth and do not like seeing bands reunite, as they look old and shatter the glamorous image I remember them for. Johnny Ramone in the late '80s is a good example because it was around the time he switched his keds for Reeboks. And they weren't even the chic models that the rappers wear.
I like to drink because of the way it makes me feel, although it tastes awful and makes me throw up if I forget to put enough space between shots. I do not do drugs because I live with my parents. I have sworn off weed since my last "hit" had me waddling into a chandelier (it belonged to an Asian family), made me nauseous and subsequently embarrassed.
More than anything, I love to complain about fashion. I hate certain fashion trends I see out-and-about, but I couldn't possibly sketch you an original ensemble. I decided that high fashion appealed to me once I realized there was a better looking, more powerful elitist class that look and act nothing like the cheerleaders at school, and the cheerleaders know nothing about it. It became a passive-aggressive revenge on society through admonishing Queen Bee's choice of a coach purse.
I have been forced to learn how to drive after my asshole father finally gave in and bought me a car that my neighbor has taken to calling "a tic-tac." I have dreamed of living in a place like New York City, where cars are more of an option rather than a necessity. Then I watched the film "What About Me" (solely for the Dee Dee Ramone and Johnny Thunders cameos), and totally scrapped that dream once the main character started getting mugged f***ing left and right.
Lately, I have been throwing away my thick, dusty back-issues of W, Bazaar, Elle, and Vogue. I literally have hundreds and I have to go through each one and wonder if I'm not making a horrible, life-changing (mangling) mistake. I made 60 of those mistakes today. I am no longer impressed by most Newton images, anything having to with Warhol, and Scarlett Johansson. Not to mention Beyonce.
On white men , I like shaggy hair and a healthy marijuana/speed addiction. Black men I accept only with fro's, addiction-free, and wealthy. On Jews, I accept almost any hairstyle. However, I heard they are the uncircumsized race. True?
I might go to school Septemberish. I sincerely like walking on the beach, but not in a two-piece because I have a prodigious stomach. Actually not so much anymore since I have an espresso diet plan. I'm a gossip fiend and I stab my friends in the back. I am also very vain and plan on killing myself before anything like cancer, HIV, or herpes. Oh and I'm a virgin. It isn't hard."
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"On Jews, I accept almost any hairstyle. However, I heard they are the uncircumsized race. True?"
No, they are the guaranteed circumcized race. Don't see why not being circumsized is such an issue with some American women, it's not at all with European women. But's like I said to the only chick to ever suggest I get circumsized: You first.
She couldn't seem to wrap her mind around the idea that I was about as comfortable thinking about cutting my dick up as she was about hacking at her labia. Even when I haggled for a reduced female circumcision as demonstrated through snipping the hood of her clit off (for which I used my fingers like scissors to illustrate my point), it was apparently an abhorent suggestion. I mean, she wouldn't even let me put it in her ass and here she was requesting that I have part of my genitals severed. Talk about selfish.
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I am the people my mother warned me about.