Woe to many pigs and chickens callously sacrificed in the name of family reunion. Did anyone ever stop to think that THEY might dream of one day being reunited with their family also?
Now, I am NOT asking any of you to give up your dearly-loved annual BBQ traditions. I have recently invented several delicious anti-Atkins ideas to preserve both the spirit of your BBQs and the posterity of many cows. These are not substitutes... They are not intended to taste anything like hot dogs and sloppy joes. They are in fact ascended versions of our barbarian meals, being more delicious, healthier, and more charitable.
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Banana dogs- Take a normal hot dog bun, insert a whole, peeled banana. Fill those squirty bottles with strawberry jelly and peanut butter, respectively. Squirt into bun much like you used do to with mustard and ketchup. This timeless tropical tradition is bound to be a kiddy favorite, and it saves on propane.
Cukers- For those allergic to bananas, or simply wanting something savory instead. Find a cucumber and cut roughly to length of once-upon-a-hot-dog bun. Insert. (Yes, whole, unpeeled... unwashed if you miss the my-hot-dog-got-dropped-in-the-dirt-but-I'm-starving feeling) Line with favorite salad dressing or Dijon mustard. Serve cold.
Ham-less burger- (Just goes to show how smart carnivores are... Hamburgers are actually made from cow, not pig. Duh.) Anyways, this actually tastes better if you get the whole-grain, multi-grain buns that Grandpa's false teeth can't really bite through (just re-direct him to the next item). Load the bun with sliced tomatoes and the long sliced sandwich pickles. Really truck it on. For those that feel the need for bacon, the fake bacon bits that taste like MSG are a great option, and they tend to stick really well to the wet pickles. Use mustard only. Don't forget the traditional quarter leaf of wilted lettuce for the kids to pick off.
Sloppy Pete- Now how cruel is it to actually name your dead pig before you scarf it? Of all my non-substitutions, this is the most humane. Take Grandma Anderson's famous super-thick split pea soup from yesterday. Warm it up and put it on your hamburger bun. Still sloppy, still warm, and cost-effective.
And who needs popcorn chicken? Heck, just go back to popcorn. You can even feed your new pet chickens with the kernels that didn't pop. Of course you can still enjoy s'mores over the over fire, so the sounds of hickory and burnt fingers will still grace your get-togethers...
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Isn't this fantastic!? Your neighbors will avoid you, your family will disown you... but the animals will love you one day. Hopefully.
I predict that many of you will dismiss my blog with great laugher and sarcasm, and I refuse to have hope that any of you will actually try the delicious non-substitutions that I have invented above. But oh well... being that way, we are actually probably helping many pigs and chickens get back to their families all that faster.
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And btw... I'm totally kidding... Although the banana dogs actually do taste pretty good.
lol...
I am also a meat eater and I'm proud of it!
Enough of this b.s. about meat causing cancer or heart disease, and vegans being healthier. It's just plain not true.
http://www.progressiveu.org/001209-i-am-a-meat-eater-and-im-proud-of-it-...
I started reading this, thinking you were serious, then I was constantly grossing out over some of the food combinations and decided you were joking.
http://www.progressiveu.org/user/bamers
Actually... *laughs* I have tried all of these except the cuker... the result of living in a busy home where there is plenty to eat and none of it matches. They weren't terrible, but I've definately eaten better.