I've never really thought I was pretty. I guess I was just one of the many young girls that look around and internalize a message that they aren't attractive enough. When those around would tell me I looked good, I wouldn't believe them. I was definitely one of those girlfriends that thought her other half was crazy for saying, “You are so beautiful.” Yah, whatever. Then I heard someone talk about the lies that we tell ourselves. Lies like we're doom to fail and not attractive enough. The speaker caught my attention when she said that it takes something like 250,000 times of hearing the truth for humans to actually correct an untruth. I took that message home that night and have kept it with me for over a year.
I slowly started to believe the compliments others would give me. 250,000 is a lot of compliments. However, now that I am in the land of 1.3 billion people, most of whom find pale skin and larger noses highly beautiful, I believe I have overshot the quota. I still don't consider myself gorgeous or anything, but being in China and being admired has given my self-confidence a boost. I've been flattered yet uncomfortable at times when people comment on my looks. However, a week or so ago while I was talking with some younger students and their teacher, a girl leaned over to tell her teacher in Chinese, "She's really beautiful." There was something about the way she said it. I thanked her with a big smile. Later I thought that maybe I had been cocky, something out of the ordinary when my looks are involved. Then I realized that no, it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. I had finally actually taken a compliment and believed it.
I don't feel different necessarily, but I do feel more free in a way. I'm not burdened by this lie I've told myself for many many years. It shows me that I can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of me being me. We don't have to accept the lies.
So, if you're sitting at your computer feeling sorry for yourself and unattractive, it's worth it to buy a plane ticket and come to China. You can walk around the streets for a couple of weeks and see people staring at you and whispering how beautiful you are. Then, you can go home and get over it.
I really identify with your experiences. It took a speaker who questioned why you would feed yourself garbage to allow me to open myself to compliments from others. I hear your reluctance to truly and fully accept compliments still nagging at you when you say "I don't consider myself gorgeous" - and that's okay, right? The speaker who turned me around also had a theory about a person's daily allocation of energy. His theory is that we all have X amount of energy to expend during the day and we are all in control of how we CHOOSE to spend the energy. He argued that "happy" or "successful" people make better choices about energy, that they do not put energy into thoughts or activities that bring them down (like telling yourself you are not that cute, or spending energy to cancel out the compliment of a boyfriend, friend or even a stranger). This perspective really helped me silence the self-doubt that kept me from accepting compliments.
A trip to South America didn't hurt, either. Sometimes it is helpful to shake up your life and experience something completely out of the norm. For those who can't afford a ticket to a foreign locale, try turning off the TV and avoiding all sources of Entertainment media (including advertisements at shopping malls) for a few months...you might find out you actually LIKE the image you see in the mirror!
Finally! I was wondering when I was going to see a blog that wasnt trying to fix people's opinion of thier environment, faith, or idealogy. You wrote something consice and well meaning and it was about fixing ourselves. Well done. Gave you a fiver =o)
~~~><~~~
"One of the things that draws writers to writing, is that they can get things right that they got wrong in real life, by writing about them"
~ Tobias Wolffe
Being in China has made me realize that a lot of environmental and ideological issues don't matter. That sounds strange, but people are people everywhere. I believe most of the work we must do has to do with self-knowledge and reprogramming lies. We gotta do some fixin'.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I don't know where these messages come form, because no one ever told me I was no good at things...in fact I've ONLY been good at things. I've never really failed at anything I've tried, and yet, I always believe that I will fail. I'm guessing no one ever told you you were ugly, but somehow you internalized that message. Why do we do that to ourselves?
And it's funny that you wrote this today, because I was just thinking this morning that it's funny how surprised I am every time someone tells me I wrote a good blog. I always expect comments to be in the "you suck" range. They never are. Eventually, maybe this experience will lead me to believe I am good at something.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
We'll my sister called me ugly and pizza face enough to make me believe it, but I'm the one who internalized it. I didn't have to believe the lies I told myself in my head.
You are a GREAT blogger, believe me. If you're going for the contest, I'd bet money that you're going to win.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
This is one thing my boyfriend actually helped me with. When we got together, I had only self-esteem when it came to academics... I knew I was good, and that I could do whatever I wanted to in life. But when it came to my looks... I was the shy, freckly girl in the corner who everyone looked at with pity. But now I"m much more confident, and I'm actually willing to go out and do stuff now, which is a great feeling.
Very nice blog.
~C
Check out the latest entry in the Between The Lines column!
Want the highest rated list to change? RATE those blogs, then!
I feel like I'm looking in a mirror when I read your comment. I was the shy girl in the corner that people picked on because I didn't have self-confidence. My husband (over a period of 6 years!) helped me see that the way I saw myself was just my perspective, not the truth.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I think the way I stopped thinking bad or negative things about myself was by thinking, "There will always be somebody skinnier, there will always be somebody smarter, there will be sombody wiser, there will always be somebody." I came to accept and love myself for who I am. I have days where my bangs just don't want to cooperate, but I never feel ugly or dumb. I always knew that I have myself, and my family who will love me unconditionally. I like this blog though, good work. :]
Après la pluie le beau temps. ♥
Check out my latest blog! :]