I knew something was wrong today when going to interpretive dance was the LAST thing I felt like doing.
I literally felt like I could not handle Franny today. To deal with F-money, one needs to be in a calm, rational place. In "wise mind", as we have learned in group therapy. If someone is feeling cranky or emotional or tired, Franny will overstimulate you to the point of pure exhaustion. Let's just say I REJOICED when we got to the dance studio (yes, it's in a studio) and Franny was no where to be found. But I also felt like a bitch for feeling happy, since the reason she wasn't there was sad. But my tired self was quite pleased.
It was weird having free time today after group. We had an hour and a half of NOTHING. And that? Felt GREAT. I showered, I worked on my financial accounting assignment (WHICH I PASSED!! 9 point something out of a possible 10 points!!!! That "How am I doing?" button has CHANGED MY LIFE!!), I called my mom....ERRYTHANG! It's been a while since I've been so productive.
However, my good mood soon VANISHED when I read an email from my aunt and uncle. I emailed them last night, looking for support/advice/I don't really know maybe I was just feeling needy and needed sympathy type of response....what I got was just the opposite. It basically said "You're an ungrateful bitch that is in so much debt to your parents you can NEVER hope to repay them fully. If you were our daughter, you'd be disowned."
It didn't use those words, of course, but I'm good at reading between the lines. I was so upset, at lunch I said about two words.
I said two words.
I said TWO WORDS.
ME. The one who gets yelled at for talking too much and who hears "Wow...you can talk a lot!" on a daily basis. During meal process, I just said "Ehh...my intention was just to eat. No ED behaviors. Positive behaviors...I ate my veggie burger on a bun. I feel sad and tired." Me--the queen of long, drawn-out explanations ("Well...I feel really excited because I'm going out tonight and I'm actually wearing make up and EEK!!! I'm so excited!!!") had nary a detail to give.
I'm PISSED. And shocked, to be honest. I thought Marsha and Dick (Dick...heh heh) would be so much more understanding. Or something. ANYTHING other than what they were. After lunch and before going to interpretive dance (we didn't find out we didn't have it today until we actually got there), I went into bed and laid there. I have napped or rested during the middle of the day like this in MONTHS. But I was fucking exhausted. I was worried I was going to start crying. Not because I'm worried about showing emotion (I'm the most visibly emotional one here, if you haven't picked up on that already) but because crying takes energy. Of which I had none.
Today was the first week where we got to meet with the entire "Treatment Team" face to face. The "team" is made up of the therapists, the nutritionist, Laurie, and ESM (Evil Staff Member...who may not be so evil after all) and they let you know how they--as a group--think you're doing and if you turned in any requests, tell you if they've granted them or not. This week, I turned in a request to spend all of Saturday night out. My reason?
"My parents are coming down early for my birthday and they're getting a hotel downtown. I want to stay with them overnight on Saturday."
HAH. TOTAL fucking bullshit. First of all, even if that WERE true, there's no way in hell I'd actually request it. Spending 12+ hours with my parents is NOT my idea of a good time. But I thought "Hmm....if I say the REAL reason for wanting to go out all Saturday, they'll deny it. Might as well throw my parents in there so they CAN'T say no!"
WRONG. DEAD wrong.
Therapist: "When we read your request, we all felt very protective of you. We know how big of a trigger your parents are to you. We don't feel it would be a good idea to spend all that time alone with them."
Me (in my head): FUCK MOTHERFUCKER DAMMIT WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THIS OCCUR TO ME???
Me (out loud): "Um, okay."
Therapist: "Do you agree with this?"
Me: "Um, okay."
FUCK. I'm hoping to at least get an extended curfew for Saturday. And besides, the staff member working that night is my favorite. I'm hoping I can talk her into bending the rules a little. Or I could give the "There-was-tons-of-traffic-on-the-freeway-yes-I-realize-it's-3-am-I-have-no-idea
why-there-was-traffic-at-this-time" excuse. Hmmm. Something to consider.
I think I'm getting sick. I got a mini-dizzy spell just a minute ago. I used to get these bad boys HARDCORE back in my junior year of high school. I remember the day of prom that year, I got one so bad that all I could do that day was lie in bed in misery while watching an "America's Next Top Model" marathon. Ick. I still can't watch episodes from that season without feeling nauseous. Anyway, I haven't had one for a while. Since that episode, maybe. But I felt a mini-one today. I get really hot and feel like I'm going to throw up. Maybe it's food poisoning. The kind that's caused by massive, massive quantities of food.
That's not true, though. I've realized lately that the amounts I'm eating are actually NORMAL. It may seem like a lot, but 1) that's because I'm comparing it to what I USED to eat...which consisted of nothing, and 2) because hardly anyone (ED or not) eats a healthy "normal" amount of food anyways, so when I compared my meal plan to things people on the "outside" eat, it felt like a lot. And yeah, I'm eating 6 times a day. But it's like fruit. A lot of other shit too, but a lot of fruit nonetheless.
I'm also not disgusted by looking in the mirror anymore. Today might be the exception, due to my non-showered, exceptionally nasty appearance. But it was due to my unkept hair and uneven skin tone that was to blame rather than anything weight related.
The ladies here at the HG want to make a YouTube video recording all of the random shit we do. They insist that my robot and dead arm impression be included in this. I could not agree more.
Because interpretive dance was cancelled today, we had the option of either going to the gym or of taking a walk. No one else was going to the gym, and so while I felt it was absolutely NECESSARY for me to go (or was it Ed?) , I opted for the walk. Which is what I TRULY wanted. I was far too exhausted for the elliptical today. Anyways, Casey and I went a-walkin' and had a really good talk. And she told me something that really, really touched me.
In group, once in a while we take index cards and write something positive about another person. Before that person leaves, all the cards that were written to them are read to them.
"So you know those cards in group? Well, I wrote one to you yesterday. And I said that you are beautiful and determined and that I know if you set your mind to something, you'll do it. You're the one that stands out to me, honestly."
Wow. How the HELL am I supposed to respond to that??? I'm speechless by compliments such as "Your hair looks good," and then I get THIS mac daddy of a compliment?? Let's just say it really made the rest of my day.
ESM Who May Not Be So Evil....well, her last day is the 14th (MON ANNIVERSAIRE!!), and she's moving so she's stressed etc. etc. But she was on a RAMPAGE the other morning when she walked in during breakfast. First, she goes into the cereal cabinet.
"THERE'S NO CHEERIOS?!?!"
Then, after seeing the Fiber One cereal which we have been buying SINCE I GOT HERE...
"What is this doing here?!? It's not allowed!!"
She then proceeded to sit down, pouting, with oatmeal instead of her beloved Cheerios, where she didn't say a word and left about half her breakfast in her bowl. Um. That's not setting a very good example when we have to finish every morsel on our plate. We were all really put off by her behavior, but then today at breakfast she explained that she's under a lot of stress and shouldn't have taken it out on us, etc. etc. and she started crying. Ouch. Right there she got me. I CANNOT stay mad at someone if they start crying. My heart just melts and I feel horrible even if I was right and they're wrong and I shouldn't be apologizing and feeling guilty. But I do. Every time.
It will be weird to spend my birthday here. Weird and not weird. I'm used to living here, and I've already spent Christmas and New Year's at the HG, so why not throw my birthday in the mix just for fun?? I'm assuming we'll have cake on the big day (which, I'm sorry, is exactly what I DON'T want to celebrate my coming into this world), but I don't know what my "real world" plans should be that night. Any suggestions? My brain hurts from too much therapy.
Speaking of brain pain, I need to sleep. Or rest. Or something. Which, inadvertently means that Note for Day 52 is now finished.
Good night.
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