This past fall I started out college at an out of state school. At first i loved it there. I loved being on my own and making friends fast and easy. I was an hour away from the beach, skinny, and happy. But then I stopped eating because I was so stressed. I way overloaded on everything and this led to a mental breakdown.
I still remember the Friday night that the police interrogated me bacause some girls in my dorm had said they were worried about me. One police officer said over and over again: "Get some help. Don't wait. Go to a psychiatrist."
My mom came and we flew home. I was then in a complete mental breakdown, obsessing about my former pastor, Ted Haggard, and also just completely going into paranoia. I was hospitalized and so afraid. I spit out the pills they gave me. I hated God and everything that had happened to me. I felt like a little kid and held my Snoopy stuffed animal. I sang in my room. Slowly I became better, but my heart hurt. I was still angry, still hurting, still bitter.
I went home and hated my life. Why the heck am I back here again? I thought. How could God do this to me? I went back to my summer job at a department store. I hated it. I was freaking supposed to be at college! Not working at a minimum wage job.
Literally I felt cursed by God, and that made me hate him. But the thing I realized was we are all cursed. We live in a fallen world. We are human and thus we are broken.
There were times when I went to bed at three in the afternoon, cried for a while, and then just layed there, so depressed and lonely and bitter and terrified. There were times when I couldn't even get on the elliptical at the gym for two minutes. And yes, there were times when I wasnted to die. But through it all I have learned that I need God. I blamed him for so long but now I realize that I am human. My body is fleshand bones and blood. Sometimes it breaks down. The bit of pain I experienced may seem like nothing to you. Perhaps you have been through stuff way worse than me. But I know now more than ever that I am human and in desperate need of a savior.
I love the song Supergirl. One part of the lyrics goes: "I wanna know who's gonna save me. i'm supergirl and I wanna see the world. And I wanna know why i feel so alone." i know I'm not supergirl. I am broken and weak. But I know that killing myself is not the answer. A savior is the answer, and he is closer than you think. Don't give up. Here's a poem I wrote about all this:
The Agony and the Ecstasy:
What is this pain I feel inside?
It makes me sob...it makes me cry
And far away I run and hide
To try to find castles in the sky
In sweeps the ever coming tide
And I sit here on this beach and sigh
Watching as the surfers try to ride
The waves taht echo the seagull's cries
All I need is someone in which to confide
All this blame I give to myself.
All the time I am trying to hide
These humiliating tears which I have cried.
Yet I go back to what i hate the most
I fill my head with sin and sadness
Cheers, cheers to mirthlessness I toast
To god I give an angry fist
And I wonder why i feel so empty
I wonder why i feel so dead
The world feels so cold and unfriendly
It is filled with everything I dread
And underneath it all is a terrible cry
A pain i feel so deep inside
A feeling that tehre must be more than this...
Horrible darkness and terriflyingly cold emptiness
It is a hoel inside my soul
That is what makes me so cold
What is this pain I feel?
Am I dying, or is it real?
What is this deep loneliness?
It is the agony within me
In my decaying flesh and bones
Yet it is also the joy
Of every breath of reality
It is the agony
It is the ecstasy
Of my horrible...yet wonderful
Humanity.
Do you want to die? I did but now I realize I am broken, lonely, a sinner. What I need isn't suicide or death. What I need is a savior.
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It has nothing to do with your being a sinner. Suicidal people need to realize that they are good, they are important, they are loved. Not that they are bad and sinful.