I am anorexic. Another blogger, for sure, shares the same sentiments as me...We are in a quest, at all costs. We find our worth in the amount of calories we shun every day, and when the scale mirrors our drive, we feel like a million bucks, no a BILLION.
Online is the best place for an anorexic, there are sites called PRO-ANA sites...many have been censored out, but a few still exist...
Pro-ana web site where anorexia is regarded as a lifestyle and a choice, not an illness or disorder.
www.grotto.projectshapeshift.net -
That's just one...Type pro-ana into a browser....
In school, I always wrote reports on anorexia and bulimia, simply to help myself become more potent in my quest for thin. I became an expert, and could now write my own books...LOL.
I have taken BOXES of laxatives, Syrrup of Ipecac, Water pills...I am the master of hiding food and disposing of it while people are watching without anyone figuring it out. I do not gag when I puke, nor make any other noises...However, I do have to cough sometimes to get chunks of bread out, which is why bread and meat are out. Every possible diet pill...yep, I have taken it...and still have MANY bottles...Exercising all night, been there.
I don't struggle with the bulimia anymore because I have mastered my appetite, and therefore just don't eat...I know that my body is weak...I have blackouts...I am in constant pain...I bruise easily...My hair falls out more than it shoud...My skin is sallow...Lanugo hairs are creeping up everywhere ( I think the baby down is cute, actually)...But I don't care.
I am a model, that's what people expect, right? I am 5'10'', I like to say 5'9 and a half'' though, makes me feel less Amazon...
I love bones...my bones. I love to feel them, graze my hands down my body to make sure that they are jutting out. I am muscular still and just want to see ligaments and bone. I love Angelina Jolie's body right now...Perfect. My aspiration. I want to look like a Holocaust survivor...Twisted, but true.
A great learning site is www.mirror-mirror.org, It is a helpful and informative anti-anorexia site...I always used it to write papers...I am all the warning signs and dangerous methods...LOL.
Sadly, this is my outcoming...and no one personally I know will ever see this site...so my secret is safe. I am amazed at my lack of caring...I know so much about the lifestyle I live, I can't call it a disease. I know how people die of it, I save magazine articles as inspiration...
I know psychologically something is different...but I control my food...I love that I am shrinking. My boyfriend knows I am losing weight but he won't question me...I am an intelligent girl. He has commented on never seeing me eat, and I rattle off what I 'have'...LOL. I cook for him all the time and he loves it...I think he assumes if I am cooking I am eating it too. I am not terrible about this yet, I eat when I need to...I always feel guilty but I am trying to escape the absolute death part...I want to live and be thin...My quest has gotten harder though.
I took two diet pills with one acne pill and no food and I vomited blood...that's no good. And four weeks ago, I woke up unable to breathe and had pains in my left arm, legs and chest. I pounded my boyfriend awake but couldn't talk because of lack of air, I remember thinking this is it...I couldn't find my pulse, nor could he and I was cold to his touch...He kept asking, "ARE YOU DEAD? WTF, AMY?" It was scary...I scaled back on diet pills, but last night I had the pains again...and he was in jail for the night...Probation violation...he forgot about some fine...I thought it was over last night...no one was there to help if I needed it...Luckily I didn't.
My body has been thru this for years, since I was 10. I know better, but in my mind thin is superior...The control factor keeps me sane. Everything bad that has happened in my life has been outside of my control. I keep thinking that somehow, if I can control my body, maybe I can conquer the other aspects of my life. I can't afford help, I can't afford to get my toothache looked at, I can't afford college, I can't afford a house, sometimes I think I can't afford to live.
Yes, that is selfish...so selfish. Yes, I need to live for my daughter, but sometimes I think she would be better off. I can't afford to have siblings for her, or adopt one...I seem to fail at everything. Life is all I have left to fail at...
and I feel a little disgusted, too.
It sounds like you don't want to be helped, and you see the effects of your actions but you don't seem to care? ahh i'm so confused. Your whole blog was so nonchalant (sp?) about the whole thing.
Does your daughter see or realize what you do?
Ky is a picky eater and I always feed her what she wants...she thinks mommy just doesn't like what she's eating...I do eat...just the bare minimum...In the a.m. I have a fourth cup, or 70 calories worth of hot oatmeal...so she sees me eating...or a banana...I eat a cup of soup...or 60 calories worth and she doesn't know that it's 'not enough' or not normal...I'm eating...or green beans (25 calories), or celery...or a cup of grapes...I drink a LOT of water, she drinks juice...nothing is ever out of the ordinary...I won't pop pills in front of her, or fight with anyone, or say mean things...I am her role model and have been very vigilant in maintaining that.
Nonchalant...very much so...I live this way darling...It's my life...the same way others speak nonchalantly about how much they ate, or the meal they got at McD's...
I really don't know what to say about this. It's sad, but yet I completely understand. I just hope that you can overcome everything for you daughter's sake, so you can be there for her till the end, but it seems like you have everything in control by not doing anything in front of her. But if it is something you cannot overcome, that is understandable as well. I am not going to put you down, or tell you what you are doing is wrong because that gets no where, trust me. Your story made me think about a lot of things....
I feel like I almost wrote parts of this. When people say things to the effect of skinny girls are disgusting, bones are disgusting etc. etc. I can't see what they see I just can't. Bones are beautiful, my bones are beautiful- clean, pure stark white bone-everything else is waste and nothing else is needed. I love that emptiness feeling in my stomach, I love the control I crave it. As far as saving magazine articles I have binders upon binders of quotes, pictures, food charts, safe foods etc. etc. etc.
I understand
`lacey
There are no beautiful surfaces without terrible depth...
I ate a lot more today, but stress will do that to ya, and I eat when I am paniced...I lose control...Control will be back tomorrow with a vengeance...I am getting a tattoo this week...I will share it with Angelina...In Latin-my fav language...WHAT NOURISHES ME KILLS ME...
Quod me nutrit me destruit soooo damn true
`lacey
There are no beautiful surfaces without terrible depth...
I was a moderator on a pro-ana site for a long time, and had been on a weight loss/gain rollercoaster for thirteen years prior to that. I've been recovered, living well and happy for more than a year now. A year and a half ago, I developed a site specifically with pro-anorexics in mind... to develop a roadmap OUT of the disorder. (I needed a way out for myself and I didn't want to lose the sense of community I had in the sites... so something like that had to happen.)
We Bite Back - we bite our eating disorders back. Check it out. Even if you want to poke around and say hello and even CONSIDER recovery... you'd be welcome.
If you would like the community support you find on pro-ana sites but would like to give recovery a shot, feel free to look us up. Membership on the forum is free. We are mostly former pro-anas... and we formed a community to support each other and be strong and not relapse.
There are places you can talk about your issues without the things you say adversely affecting your friends. There are ways to work through this issue to get better rather than worse.
We will keep biting back.