Ediblewoman Wrote a Crappy Blog

Can you guess which one it was?

I know what you're thinking. "Just one? Really?" I've put out several crappy blogs. It's true. Whaletail, for instance. And A Trip Down to Slutville: The Girl Power Generation Reaches Sexual Maturity. Shall I go on? Because I could. But those are not the crappy blogs that bother me. I knew they were crap from the get go. And I didn't care. This one blog, though...Have you ever written something about which you feel strongly, but you just can't find the words to match your conviction? That's what happened with this one.

I cringe every time I see the title pop up somewhere on the site. But here's the rub...People seem to like it. My partner tells me it's a really good entry. It's gotten a fair number of reads and has spent some time on the highest rated list, off and on. So why can't I make peace with it?

I had a similar experience with a class presentation on Thursday night. I presented on classroom design. I left thinking I had blathered on for 20 minutes and that none of it had made any sense. I mean, I forgot to mention one photo in the power point, and I said "the students take their clothes off when they enter the classroom." I meant to say "shoes." But my parters for the project told me my segment was great and everyone was really engaged. So why can't I shake the feeling that I blew it?

It seems my self-concept is that of a screw up. I see myself as ineffectual, despite the evidence to the contrary. This is different than self-esteem. I have pretty decent self-esteem. My sense of self-efficacy, on the other hand, is low. What does all this mean?

Definitions of self constructs

Self-esteem: Self-esteem refers to general feelings of self-worth
or self-value.

Self-efficacy: Self-efficacy is belief in one's capacity to
succeed at tasks.
General self-efficacy is belief in one's general capacity to handle
tasks. Specific self-efficacy refers to beliefs
about one's ability to perform specific tasks (e.g., driving, public speaking,
studying, etc.)

Self-confidence:
Self-confidence refers to belief in one's
personal worth and likelihood of succeeding. Self-confidence is a
combination of
self-esteem and general self-efficacy.

Self-concept:
Self-concept is the nature and organization of beliefs about one's
self. Self-concept is theorized to be multi-dimensional.
For example, people have separate beliefs about physical, emotional,
social, etc. aspects of themselves.

--excerpted from Neill, J. Definitions of Various Self Constructs. http://wilderdom.com/self/

I'll use the above scenarios to illustrate these definitions.

The mere existence of my blog is evidence of my high self-esteem. I believe that my ideas, opinions, and stories are worth putting out there. With lower self-esteem, I would probably decide not to bother, because no one wants to read what I have to say.

My self-confidence ebbs and flows. Sometimes I approach a topic and feel, "I can do this justice." Other times, as in the case of That One Blog, I start out feeling that way, and my resolve flags. I start to feel that the topic is beyond my powers. My sense of self-efficacy tells me that I can't produce when it matters, as in the case of my presentation.

It all mixes together to create one confused self-concept, which leaves me afraid to try new things. I have an intense fear of failure.

I started the blogging contest purely out of curiosity. It seemed a fun and novel way to potentially earn some scholarship money. What I am REALLY earning is a complete surprise! It is amazing to watch a blog I questioned take off. It challenges my perception of my work. Maybe I'm not a screw up? Regardless of how the final scoring turns out, I may leave this contest wearing a brand-new self-concept!

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