Abortion is a choice... so I had one

I rushed in the house to find my 3 month old daughter face down in the couch with pillows stached on top of her. She was screaming uncontrolably.
I lifted her up, she was sweaty and red, she had been crying for some time. I held her to me, and looked her father in the eye. He had been playing computer. She wouldnt stop crying. He was muffling the noise.
I had just spent two years in England due to our military orders there. I got out of the military when I found out that I would be having our second daughter. She was beautiful, I named her Faith. Her sister Hailey could not yet pronounce Faith, so she called her sister Face.
That weekend, I loaded up everything I could fit into a suitcase and boarded a plane bach to the United States. I could handle no more of his shit. I was 22 years old. Getting ready to face a divorce. Just three months ago, I had been a communication systems technician on multi million dollar airplanes that were saving the world, today I was a single mother with nothing left to my name but two little people that were glued to my leg. The flight back to the states stopped in every God forsaken place between England and Florida. It took me 36 hours to get to familiar soil. Through customs with all of our stuff, and two children. I was ready to pull a Thelma and Louise. I wanted out.
When I finally saw my parents waiting at the airport, my eyes filled with tears. I had never been so happy to see someone in my life. I handed my mother and father the girls and I ran to the bathroom and threw up everywhere. I cried, screamed a little, and cried some more.
I had tastes success, now I was moving back in with my parents. What happened to me? I was never supposed to be "this girl".
A few weeks went by, I job hunted and found nothing... I cried and still came up with the same info. Their dad didn't call. Didn't miss me, didn't miss them, and I was going to be on my own. I went from fixing airplanes leaving on missions to save the President, to working at a clothing store.
My self esteem went out the window. Every guy that told me how beautiful I was, I slept with. I was addicted to pain. The pain of not being needed. Within months, I found myself pregnant.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,I was lost.
I went to the clinic in the phone book. It was an old building. It had green carpet. The waiting room was full of ghost like faces. A nurse told me that it would be fast and painless and not to worry. I felt the nervousness fill me, but I knew what I was doing was right. What on earth would I do with another kid? I couldnt care for the ones I had.
Back in the operating room, the doctor did not even address me, I laid on a table, and as the bright operating light hit me in the face, it was like I had a revelation. I could feel the Lord surround me. I could feel my pain overwhelming me.
I closed my eyes when the sound of the vacuum began to fill my ears. I could hear screaming. Violent colors and pain flooded my mind. I could hear the baby crying as it was being torn from my womb.
This wasn't supposed to be this way. This was what was best for me. This was what was best for my children. I went to the recovery room. It was a room with 12 other girls in it. They were all crying. Why would they cry? Aren't things in their lives better now? This was the easy part, the hard part was over. One girl threw up all over the nurse. The nurse got annoyed and set a soda in front of the girl. She might have been 16. No one was speaking, unusual for a room full of young girls.
It has been 3 years since I went through that procedure. My life has changed so much. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, got a good job, started being a good mother, and met a wonderful man. A real man. I have been married now for a year.
But not a day goes by when I do not visit that operating room. I can see that light. I can feel the tearing. I imagine that baby. The baby I will never have. I can have no more children because I had too many complications due to the abortion. It caused me to bleed for weeks. The vacuum was too close to my insides and caused small tears.
I write this not for pity, and not to argue abortion right or wrong. All I can do is tell my story. Tell that it was only a $300.00 operation that changed my life that day. I can't say what would have happened if I would have had the baby.
I know that the Lord tells us that he will not let us go through more than we can handle. I know my life was forever altered that day. I know that something that is legal to do should not affect someone so painfully for the rest of their life. I know that the baby that cries at night in my dreams, keeping me from ever sleeping all night through no matter what drug I take is the baby that I gave up that day.
I know there are many other women who have been through this same thing. I am not the one to argue it's right or it's wrong, but it is being used wrong in this country today. It is not a form of birth control. It is not as easy as it seems. It is not an easy choice, and it is not one that you will get over in a few weeks. It is a haunting experience.
Should it be available to women who have been raped, maybe. Should it be avaialable for "retarded" children... who am I to argue... but for the average girl... who just doesn't think she wants to deal with having a baby... trust me... whether you have the baby or not... that baby will always be with you. Forever.

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