You Never Can Really Give Up

My friend smokes pot. She actually has just started to do harder drugs. My friend drinks a lot. My friends have sex, and some of them just up and leave when they are done. I don't really understand this mentality; how do people live like this? Most of the time I think that all people really need is a good example in their lives but some of these people have had wonderful examples of parents and love and what is 'right and wrong' in their lives. How do people decide to make such poor decisions? Maybe it's "just a phase" and maybe they will "grow out of it" but I am concerned for them NOW.

I'm not saying that I am perfect. I could not say that I have never let alcohol touch my tongue and I can't say that I have never made a mistake with a boy before, but there is a time where you LEARN from these things. I think if you don't learn you are losing a big part of what a person is; you lose what your full capacity can be.

I don't touch alcohol at all. I don't smoke anything. I don't have sex.
I have had people ask me, well then what DO you do? How can you POSSIBLY have fun? What is the point of being young if you aren't being stupid and doing things you will regret later?

I am a dweller. I dwell on the past and think on things that could have been, or in my opinion should have been; it does nothing but I do it anyway. I'm sentimental. I keep things to remind me of special moments with people even if it hurts to remember them. Mistakes are hard to think about because I always wish I could go back to fix them, so I finally decided to try and not make these mistakes. I would rather save myself some stress and keep my hair. I have met a boy who has decided not to make 'mistakes' in life WITH me.

I don't understand why people ruin their lives with drugs and sex and alcohol. I KNOW what happens to people when they follow that route. My mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic for most of my life. She went to rehab when I was young and my grandmother had custody of me and my little sister. She came back healthy, but her mind was still very sick. I have lived through boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. I have had many examples of what an unhealthy and sick relationship looks life. A pot-head husband who didn't treat her with the love and respect she deserved as a beautiful woman made by God. She started drinking again and I thought my relationship with her would never be fixed; I hated her for so many things. For a long time I had this rage inside of me that scared me; I didn't understand why my mom had to be like this. I didn't understand how to deal with the feelings I felt of rejection; my mother always chose other things over me.
Two years ago in December I threatened to move out of the house. I was 16. I told her that I couldn't handle her drinking anymore. I told her I was going to move in with my dad for good until she got help.

She finally decided to get help. She has been sober now for 2 years. I have a relationship with my mother that is strong. I find joy and happiness in that relationship. The wall that I built up for 16 years is on its way down. She has grown so much and has taught me so many things: You can never give up on people; when they decide to change they will. You have to forgive; it can be so hard but it is worth it. It is never too late to start over. Don't make stupid mistakes that could have been avoided in the first place. It leads to regret. My mother just called me up last week in tears because she was looking at baby pictures of me and she hurts because she was so absent in my life for so long.

Those are things I have taken to heart. Most of my friends have lived through all of this with me. They know all of my pains and hurts; they were there while I hated my mom and now they are here as our relationship has continued to grow and strengthen. This is why I do not understand some of the choices they make continuously; who would want to live a life like my mother did? It makes for a great motivational story, but what about the people you hurt along the way and the relationships that get stepped on? Is it worth it?

It's never too late to start over.