My throat is burning like a piece of black pavement on a 100 degree day. Ouch. But you know what is (morbidly) exciting? I've realized I have mastered the art of silent puking. I always wondered how people could get away with it, while I always seemed to get caught. Then, I realized, sound is everything.
This sucks. Last night, I was depressed (and it was hot in California! What a SHOCKER, huh?!) and my mom asked me if I wanted to go out on the porch swing. So we get out there, and after a while I started crying and telling her certain things, like how it KILLS me seeing these girls walking around campus who are super thin.
"I can understand," my mom said. And then I thought WHAT?! YOU ACTUALLY GET IT FOR ONCE?? Then she adds, "I was your age, too, you know," which PISSED me off. OF COURSE everyone feels fat or unattractive from time to time. I get that. This isn't your normal "Uh, I'm self-conscious about my thighs" feeling, however. This is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. THEN my mom says, "Well, just keep up with the exercise, then."
JUST KEEP UP WITH THE EXERCISE, THEN.
Gee, mom. I hope on my fucking tombstone under my name it says "VOMITED HER SELF TO DEATH, BUT AT LEAST SHE KEPT UP WITH THE EXERCISE."
This is REALLY helping me heal, being here in California. Especially, when I decided after my "heart to heart" with my mom last night that I was going to binge and purge and I didn't give a FUCK if anyone caught me. So there I am, in the kitchen. My mom walks in.
"Are you supposed to be eating that?"
"I can eat whatever the fuck I want."
So she starts taking the food away. Whatever. I just found different stuff. Then, while we were laying in bed (yeah, my room still isn't my room yet) and she was asleep, I slipped into the bathroom, did my thing, and slid back into bed.
Fuck you.
I hate this. I hate being here. I hate how you can't even drink the fucking tap water because it's disgusting. I will reiterate this again--I CANNOT STAND THIS FUCKING HEAT. I am going crazy. I don't think I can do this. Being here for 8 months last year almost killed me, and I'm amazed I got through it once. I don't know what I'm supposed to do....if I come back to Wisconsin, I'll have no car and I won't be in school. My parents probably won't help with any money because I "abandoned" them. Well, gee. Guess what? WE WERE NEVER A FAMILY IN THE FIRST PLACE. My brother and I have ALWAYS hated each other, and we always, ALWAYS will. No one's ever been close to my dad because he's a fucking ASSHOLE. The only one who's on good terms with everyone is my mom, and I'm so upset with her that the ONE person I thought I could always count on I feel I've lost.
Seriously, if anyone wants to come pick me up, let me know. I'll give you the address.
Fuck. My head hurts, and I just woke up. It's too early for this shit. It's too hot. And unfortunately, it's probably too late.
I'm trying to refrain from preaching, so I really apologize if I come off like that.
If the picture at the top is really you, you're beautiful. I mean, it doesn't show much, but your hair looks healthy, and you have a great face. Not filled with baby fat or anything. I imagine the rest of you is much the same.
Rather than follow in your mother's footsteps, I encourage you to eat more fruits and veggies. They have tons of vitamins and minerals that will make you feel better, and maybe eventually will help with your self esteem some.
I wouldn't dismiss your mom's words about being there so easily, though. Many, many, if not most, teenage girls have poor self-esteem. There are many that resort to eating disorders to make them feel better about themselves. Maybe your mom was one of those girls when she was your age. Or maybe she had to deal with friends like that. People aren't often open about that sort of thing.
~C
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