When I was a Sexist Feminist

I am not a binary. I am not intentionally an oxymoron. But I discovered after three years of marriage that, though I read everything by Luce Irigaray I could put my hands on, frequently brought up Laura Mulvey's essay on Visual Pleasure in many of my term papers, and exposed and ridiculed every misogynistic thing I've either heard or wrote, I could not escape the fact that I was, in fact, still a product of my own patriarchal society.

So it goes like this: Being raised in the Church, I'm obviously trained to suppose that, as a male, I am superior. Thankfully, the Church is leaning further and further from this idea, and I support and quote Irigaray's theories on Sexual Difference as being one way the Church could justify saying that Men and Women are still different, and occupy different spaces and roles, but neither is above the other. Irigaray calls us to stop viewing the woman as "other-of-same," and begin viewing her as a woman, separate from man; that is, with a vagina, and not just "lacking a penis."

Now, you'd think that, understanding and supporting all of these feminist theories, I would truly understand to put my wife on my own level. This was not the case. While I always esteemed her highly, considered her much smarter and conscientious than myself, I recently realized that I was vying for control in my household. Here I was, trying to be a patriarch, when it was my wife who was the breadwinner, and who truly understood the world better than I ever could. Tensions as a product of my upbringing versus the enrichment of my education? Absolutely.

Though, this raised even more questions as to how men could possibly think that they should or could be in control of women at any time, for whatever reason. I've realized a long time ago that I was being absolutely ridiculous, and completely contradictory; but how many men actually say they value a woman, and yet would attempt to conquer her? I've watched numerous friends of mine succumb to what they would later call the "wiles" of the woman, and try to bite my tongue before accusing them of letting themselves be "sucked in." It's not the woman's fault. It's never been the woman's fault. Unfortunately, based on my convservative upbringing, I might not have known that. Thank god for my God-given sensitivity.

Of course, now adding into the mix that I'm now openly gay, that changes things a lot more. And to be honest, helps me understand things a lot more, as well.

I'm not a binary (a misogynist feminist), because that's impossible. The tensions came about partly because I refused to open myself up and understand who I truly was. I was defending myself because I was frightened to accept myself, and I tried to dominate my wife because I felt that, because of the stigmas of the conservative fundamentalist lifestyle, I had to assert, or over-assert, that I was, in fact, a straight man.

Ridiculous. I wonder how oft this happens to men. I know I'm not alone in this revelation.