Did You Really Just Say That? : Day 5

I get that people may feel jittery around those in an eating disorder center. They may be scared of acting the wrong way or of eating the wrong thing. I get that. It's a sensitive issue. However, some things are just common sense.

For example, we had yoga this morning. However, our regular yoga instructor (I like to call them the yogini) was gone for the holidays, so we had a sub. She was really, really nice, but first of all, she talked like a fucking motormouth DURING YOGA. Um, bitch? Yeah, this is my time to relax and get AWAY from my problems, not concentrate on your babbling. But it was what was coming out of her mouth that was so disturbing. When C asked if we were going to do any core (aka ab) work, she giggled "I never do core! Haha, I probably should! I hate to, which is probably why it's the fattest part of my body."

....

Um. Do you know where you are right now? Like, seriously? You're teaching a bunch of ANOREXIC AND BULIMIC GIRLS YOGA! AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR FAT STOMACH??? Oh, dear. Let me purge for you. Really, it'd be my pleasure.

Then, tonight, we attended an ANAD meeting, which apparently stands for Anorexia Nervosa and something else that starts with A and D. So anyway, this old lady and her son came in and talked about how their daughter passed away about a year ago because she was diabetic and was not giving herself insulin so she could binge eat and not gain weight. We were specifically asked not to mention numbers, such as weight, clothing size, etc. Well, this lady said "My daughter lost and regained 80 pounds again and again" blah blah blah. THEN she goes on to say "Well, she was never fat. But she was never thin. Ever. She was always a little bigger than average." WHAT?? And you wonder why your daughter developed an eating disorder??

Some people, I tell ya. Where's the tact, I ask you? WHERE? Eh, for some reason, it doesn't bother me as much as it did the other girls.

I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful today. I swear to God, I'm bipolar on top of everything else. Yesterday I felt like walking shit, and today I feel energetic and positive and I'm just looking forward to everything. To life. I was thinking about how I felt like I was in a semi-conscious state, and when I really analyzed it, something occurred to me: I'm transitioning. Yep, I'm in transit, baby. I'm not the person I used to be, and I don't think I'm the person I'm meant to become yet. I'm somewhere in between. For some reason, I'm hearing notes of "I'm Not A Girl (Not Yet a Woman)", but that's okay, since I love me some Britney. Anyway, I feel as if I'm a blank slate and that this experience will help determine the future me.

But I also had thoughts today that I've had for a while now. Sometimes I feel as if I don't have a right to be here. That maybe I really DIDN'T have an eating disorder. Maybe just an eating disorder light. Diet eating disorder. Like I was flirting with the idea of one, but it never actually materialized. I guess I feel this way because I'm not sure exactly WHICH ED I should say I have. For the bulk of it, I wasn't eating. Let's look at the scoreboard, shall we?

Anorexia--1
Bulimia--0
Binge eating--0

Then, if we take a glimpse at a recent 2-month period, we get a nice little combination of the two B's. I feel like a faux bulimic--an imposter--because I didn't get rid of the food all the time. Most of the time I did. 98%. But there was that 2% of the time where I was just so exhausted from everything I just said "Fuck it." But I didn't always puke it up. I found other methods.

I know I have DISORDERED EATING. But as for one specific one, I can't say. And for some reason, it makes me question if there was ever a problem. But then I think of all those days and nights of misery--of just hating myself for what I had just done, or being too tired to even walk up the stairs because I had just exercised for 4 hours on about 100 calories or spent that last half hour with my head in the toilet. And I look at the other girls, and it's "Anorexic, anorexic, bulimic, Angie." Isn't that sick? I feel like I don't fit in at an eating disorders facility!

I know there's a problem though. Obviously. Otherwise this would be one hell of a getaway for winter break. I just need to concentrate on the future. Of going forward, moving ahead, and not looking back into my confusing, painful, and complicated past.

It's day 5, baby.