Sometimes it just makes me want to disappear for a while, and take a year off and just travel around different places in Europe to collect my thoughts and reflect about my past, present, and future. Self-reflection is where is happens, as I near the end of my high school career and I look back at my childhood years, I tend to remember how carefree it all was, without any unnecessary drama, various responsibilities that I must continue to uphold and how relaxed I was with who I was at that point in time.
Yet, now I am still in that questioning period as a young adult, that I would define as "soul searching.." Which is quite cliche, but I don't really know of any other way to describe it. I feel like I am searching for answers to questions that aren't meant to be understood and that can never be answered. However, I have been getting to this stage where I think I know what is holding me back from being the person that I always used to be; outgoing, joyful, optimistic instead of this girl who holds so much anger towards others, wants to isolate herself from the rest of the world just to find peace and happiness...and that's just not normal... So, I'm basically having an internal struggle with myself about trying to be who I used to be or discover the person who I want to be and be that person who I always wanted to aspire to be; calm, cheerful, patient, tolerant, practical and independent.
The break of dependence upon others is another hard step to conquer along my path to self-discovery, but it seems reasonable to just spread my wings and fly yet my fear of change is still holding back from wanting to experience true independence. And as I have started to try to overcome this fear of change, I have learned a lot about myself that I have been able to overcome difficult times regardless of this fear that I have to be able to pull myself together through my sacred outlet: music. Music has given me a voice, when I haven't been able to use my own to voice my opinion and has provided me a place where I can go to when I'm having difficulitities with different things going on in my life. Except now, music isn't quite the same and I am still looking for something to feel that empty space that I haven't been able to fill with the music that I used to cherish so much..although I am trying to teach myself how to play jazz piano because it breaks all the rules of classical music and allows oneself to be able to express themselves freely and without any restrictions which is how I feel that I don't want to be tied down anymore...if that makes any sense.
The hardest part about growing up is taking that final step of the transition from high school into college because high school gives each individual a false sense of security that they have a certain group of friends that they can always come to at school and hang out with and they know a lot about the general environment within the school. When people go to college though, high school friends part their ways as they each go to a different school and must start a new chapter of their lives, meet new people, make new friends and basically, start a whole new life. Yet, we will never forget our friends who we made along the way in our high school years as we come back to visit them during winter and summer breaks and all the memories that we shared.
I'm 17 and I definatly know how you feel-- graduation is just around the corner and suddenly Im going to be a real PERSON and not just a kid. Ive been examining myself a little closer- and I just want to tell you, it doesnt have to be such a bad and stressful thing. Self Discovery isnt really about finding out who you already are, its about making yourself who you want to be. This is a great, great thing! You can shape your future, your life. Along the way there will be some setbacks sure, maybe you cant always be as patient as you want yourself to be. But growth is always possible no matter how long it takes! The only one holding you to standards is yourself! (Other people might, but they dont really matter!! ) Just remember that as you go through the journey.
Travel is a great way to create some awareness of what is really important in this short life we live.
If ever you come overseas, make sure to put Crete upon your list,
:-)
http://www.loveearth.com/uk/film/
I think about this all the time. In-fact I've even written a poem about the first part of what you wrote. ( http://writing.progressiveu.org/poems/ignorance )
The whole thing worries and scares me a little. I am constantly in fear that I won't be able to succeed or I won't be able to do what I love to do. I fear that I will get no where in my own life, almost like it is moving too fast and leaving me behind. : /
And I constantly wonder through my past, my childhood. If you do end up reading the poem, it basically explains it.
Anyway in "The Perks of being a Wallflower", Stephen Chbosky wrote, "So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."
I hope this helps. : )