One learns many pieces of vital information while living in a rehabilitation facility. Let's begin, shall we?
1. Vanilla soy milk= DELICIOUSNESS IN A GLASS
2. Setting an intention for every meal is HARD. I think of the same one every time, and I feel like "Shit....I should make this one creative. One that, when I say it, will blow everyone's mind away with its originality and insightfulness." Instead, I wind up saying something along the lines of "My intent for the meal was to feel satisfied. And uhh...I am?"
3. Hearing "GOOD JOB!" for finishing a meal is a bit disconcerning. I believe it was my first day, and as bad as this sounds, it made me feel like a fat ass. And last night, during the Girls With Eating Disorders Christmas Extravaganza! one of the staff commented on how well I was doing and how she was surprised I was doing so well. I took this to mean "You've been eating EVERYTHING we've been giving you. What an appetite!" I know, rationally, that's not what she meant. But I hear all these things about the new girls being so anxious about everything, and for some reason, I feel like I'm not being anxious ENOUGH. That I'm adapting too quickly, and that makes me feel weird. Me no likey.
Today we met with the dietitian. She asked me a bunch of questions about my eating habits and my goal weight and size and everything, and I actually gave honest answers. Answers that if I told people, they wouldn't want to hear. I'm supposed to WANT to gain weight, to WANT to go up to a bigger size, to NOT deny myself of a healthy portion of something. The truth is, I don't WANT any of those things. But I know that's why I'm here: to change the way I think about things so that something like going up to a size 0 or 1 won't freak me out, that I can eat one fucking popt art and not starve myself for the next two days because of it or eat everything in sight and then barf it up.
I'm already scared of leaving. I've been here 2 and 1/2 days and I'm already scared of going out into the real world again. It feels like here, nothing bad can happen because they won't let it. But then at the same time, I feel like I want to shout "STOP FEEDING ME!" Seriously. Today, after my second snack, we went to Starbucks (Coffee + Sugar-free hazelnut syrup = happy Angie) and I was like "NO MORE! PLEASE! I'M SO FUCCCKKKKING FULL!" But then it was DINNER TIME! And DESSERT NIGHT! Oh God. I never, EVER thought the day would come when I didn't want dessert. But as I was eating my mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich, I thought I was gonna fucking barf, and not the kind that is self-induced.
I feel so nasty too. I don't know if anyone else notices, but I feel like I look like 10x fatter and just SO unattractive. Ugh. I seriously am scared to put my jeans on every day because I'm scared they won't fit or they'll feel tighter than they did the last time I wore them. Thank God for pajamas.
Ehk...I don't know what to think now. I like it, I don't. I want to change, I don't know if it's actually possible. I guess I just have to take the opportunities I have available to me right now and actually use them.
Hmmmph.
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Hang in there . DrifterDani6886 wrote this really good blog called Giving Up is so Much Easier. She is basically saying that giving up is so easy for all of us. Its within our adaptation. But sticking in there and fighting for what we believe in is so rough. Right now , you are fighting against the old part of your brain. This part of the brain does not believe in change . But the newer part of the brain wants to climb over that obstacle you are facing right now to see better days.