What do you think of when you hear the word yoga? I'll tell you what I thought of, before 8:30 this morning:
1. Relaxation
2. Stress reliever
3. Being one with one's self
...and a lot more hippie like qualities. Do you want the truth?
IT HURTS. Seriously. Granted, I've never done much before, but during some of the poses, I was thinking "Oh, God. Oh, sweet Jesus. There goes a tendon!" But let me back up...
So Tuesdays begin at 7 am. We eat at 7:30 and have to have our food prepared by then. Last night I passed out completely and when I woke up, figured I had like 2 more hours of sleep. Au contraire, mes amies. It was 7 already. So I get downstairs and suddenly I hear a chorus of "Hallelujah" in the background. I didn't see a black choir anywhere, and then I realized it was the smell of coffee brewing that was making my heart sing. So after Lori poured me a cup, I kind of stood there in my pink slippers, with my crazy curly ponytail at the top of my head, squinting in my glasses and looking around.
"Do you need help with breakfast?"
"Uh, yeah." I tried to act casual, like it was a kind of "Eh, I guess you could help if you really want," when inside I was screaming "NEED HELP! CANNOT PROPERLY PLAN MEALS!" After perusing the selection of cereals and oatmeals for about 5 minutes, I decided on a bagel. Then THE SENTENCE came. The one that I hate hearing. The one I'm sure every single girl with an ED hates hearing:
"You need to add some fat." I didn't think it would be a good idea to point out that the bagel had at least 4 grams. No need to argue about details.
So I figured, What the hell? I'm going for the PB, baby. Peanut. Butter.
Then I had to add more food. I swear, there is absolutely no way one could get even remotely hungry living here. You have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. And I guess one of our snacks is at like 4:30, which is when I was in the shower (gross, I know) and I came out and was abruptly summoned for snack time. Okay, just let me finish applying my moisturizer.
So back to yoga. I don't know when it was, but sometime between the downward dog and warrior 2, I started sobbing. Like, the tears just started flowing down my cheeks and I was having trouble breathing. Then Yoga Lady started going around and massaging random parts of the body (sounds weird but feels AWESOME) and while she was doing me I started doing that kind of crying that involves jagged breaths and hints of wheezing. I tried to wipe the tears away when it was over, but then she asked "So how was your first session?" and I was MORTIFIED by my puffy eyes and red face. I couldn't NOT comment on it, so I asked "Is it normal to cry during yoga?" Then she explained to me that yoga releases tension in your body and it's natural to let it out. Thank God I'm not just someone she thinks is super unflexible with sore glutes.
Then I found out Tuesday is also......THERAPY DAY! Personal and group. During personal, I sobbed for the first 30 minutes and was thanking God I wasn't wearing any make up. It made me feel so much better. But I kind of felt "Um...what am I going to talk about next time? I just revealed to you everything about me that's fucked up." Isn't that weird? I have anxiety over not having enough material for my therapy sessions.
We also had a Christmas party tonight where we had to eat pizza. 2 pieces. I felt so anxious and nervous to do it. It sucks. I'm scared of gaining weight, which is pretty irrational seeing as I'm at a place that treats eating disorders, I'm not at a healthy weight, and I honestly think I look like a meth addict sometimes.
It's hard for me to hear compliments on my appearance. Like, I saw someone I hadn't seen for a few months, and they commented on how amazing I looked since they'd seen me in June. Now, a normal person would think "Yay! A compliment!" But for me, it was like "Oh, fuck. Now I definitely have to keep this up." That's how I feel every time. I feel like it's all slipping away, and I'm not ready to let it go yet.
Then I think to myself: Is it worth it? Is it really fucking worth it? Is fitting into a 00 and XS worth ruining my relationships with people, hating myself, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, almost flunking out of school, lying, deceiving, and cheating myself and others really worth all of this?
The scary thing is, sometimes I think yes.
I KNOW it's not. But the disorder that's keeping me a prison in my fucking mind is telling me, if you're skinny, you'll be happier. And the skinnier you get, the happier you'll be. Ughhhh. I'm scared. That even if I fix my body, I won't fix my mind. And that's something I can never get away from.
What I hope to accomplish at HG:
1. Acquire self-acceptance
2. Regain control of my life
3. Find peace and happiness within myself
28 days to go.
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Sorry I don't know what you are completely going through. The only time I have starved is when my family could not afford to get any food and the food banks were out of food at the time.I can try to relate your eating disorder with my problem. I have acne from time to time. For me yes I can use Proactiv to help clear it up, but at the same time, I and others have to force me to use it. Why? Because there is a lot of times when I feel like that crap is not going to clear my face up.But anyways I thought yoga was not supposed to hurt either. Are you sure you were doing yoga ? Well keep up the good work.
As you noticed with Yoga, it uses muscles you never knew you had.
It is, however, a good way to gain lean muscle and improve flexibility. Don't push yourself to the point of injury, but by all means, let those muscles stretch. 
Keep up the good work. You've already taken the first (and probably hardest) step through getting over your ED. Yes, I know, I sound like I broken record, but I know how hard it is to seek help for something such as that (while I don't have an ED, I do suffer from depression and know how hard it is to say, "yes, I need help now").
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge