Day 1 at Harmony Grove.
So it took me about 30 minutes to get to the house, and I didn't get lost this time. There was no detour, which being the loser that I am, took as being a sign of something. A staff member who was very friendly and who I thought to myself "I wanna be friends with her!" (yet another very loser-ish thought) opened the door and let me in. There were two girls sitting on the couches, Kelby from Alaska (I WANT HER NAME!!) and Caroline from Boston.
As irriational and weird as it sounds, I wondered if when I walked in they thought I was fat. Or not small enough to have an eating disorder. And that worried me. But they are both super sweet.
Then Laurie, the director of the house or whatever, came and went over the rules with me. I admit, even as a person with an eating disorder, I found some of these rules somewhat amusing.
1) No diet foods or nonfat foods.
2) Duct tape covers the nutritional information on all food in the house
3) If you don't finish your food, you must supplement what you missed by drinking an Ensure. For example, if you eat less than 25% of your meal, you drink a whole can. But if you eat 75%, you only drink 1/4 of a can.
4) No artificial sweetners are allowed (I MISS YOU, SPLENDA!)
5) You can't go to the bathroom for an hour after a meal. However, if it's an emergency, someone will accompany you and you have to leave the door open while you go.
6) When we go to the gym, only 30 out of the 45 minutes spend there can be used to do any aerobic activity.
7) This one's for Erica--WE GO TO STARBUCKS TWICE A WEEK!!! But we can only get talls or something?? I didn't really get that. And you must finish your drink before going into the house.
8) No gum can be chewed in the house. However, on our outings, it's allowed.
9) We do fun stuff on the weekend that gets planned on Tuesday nights. Yaaaay
10) We're not supposed to say things like "You look healthy" because people can take that to mean "You look fatter". I must admit, I giggled at this one. Even though if someone told me I looked healthier, I would get offended take it to mean exactly that.
We ate dinner, which two people make, and tonight it was salmon. Before we eat, you make "an intent for the meal". You need a protein, dairy, fruit, vegetable, fat, and starch at every meal. God, it was torture eating parmesan cheese on the salmon. Seriously. I have not had cheese forever and uhhhh...it was my "dairy". And they made me put butter on my rice for the fat. After each meal we tell what our intent before eating the meal was, what behaviors of an eating disorder we displayed, what new positive attitude we experienced, and we discussed how we felt eating it.
Then onto our nighttime activity....ATTENDING AN AA MEETING!!!
Yep. That's right baby. Alcoholics Anonymous. We also attend OA meetings (Over Eaters Anonymous), ANAD (I really don't know what that stands for), and once a week we host an Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting.
It was interesting to hear an alcoholic's view point on addiction. They'd be talking and I'd be nodding going "Oh my God! Me too!" But replace alcohol with food or starvation and you have my situation.
I have to admit, I'm really scared. I feel so lost. One of the ladies who works/lives here, Lori, (there's 2) was going over the rules, and said "Oh, and I'll help you with your breakfast tomorrow" and all I could think was "THANK GOD." Because honestly, I have no fucking idea how to eat. If I can't have my skim milk, special k, and measuring cups to make sure I have the exact serving size or less, I don't know what I'll do.
My stomach hurts insanely bad right now. They said that's normal; that once you start eating normally and all that, your body takes time to adjust and it can be painful.
I'm so exhausted. It's 9 pm, and after I finish this I'm going to bed.
To everyone who texted/commented/called me/talked to me in person about everything, your support is very much appreciated :). I can have my cell phone starting at 4 pm on weekdays and all day on weekends. Please call/text if you feel like it, even if we never talk. It will make my day, believe me.
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Thank you for sharing your day! It's really interesting to learn about the different programs available for people, regardless of the "issue." I say the word "issue" loosely since I don't know much about why you are there or anything like that. It sounds extremely structured!
im really enjoying reading your posts...this is very interesting :)
im praying for you!!!!
<3
Well this is my first time reading your posts. I saw your day 40 post so I said I might as well start from the begining. Yes I will be commenting and rating every blog.I'll try to call or text you when I get my phone back. But Kudos on talking about your problem.
I can't believe they make you just jump into eating so much that your stomach hurts. It seems like they would let you start out a little more slowly.
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