When I was younger I hated everyone and everything. The thought of total nuclear holocaust brought me a sigh of relief. If I could have I would have pushed the earth into the sun just to hear the screams. Nothing would have brought me more joy than to watch this virus known as humanity destroy itself. That was the young me. I have become slightly older and learned to relax. The bucolic campus of Virginia Tech has warmed my cold heart, or so I thought.
The fire of rage has not yet passed. Even in my most jovial mood there burns in ember that could ignite my fury in a matter of seconds; the right formula of course. A serious of short unpleasant events followed by a long moment of discomfort is all it takes. For example, losing one's hokie-passport, almost being vomited on, and then being packed on a bus full of drunkards who ought to be set on fire and used as fuel to break our dependence on foreign oil. Something like unleashes a beast I thought I had long slain. The bad luck gets me started but, what really starts the hate flowing in my veins is when I see the human disease. When I see fools, when I see the belligerent aloof generation that surrounds me, that is when that ember becomes a thousand atom bombs being dropped on a million orphanages.
Game day can only be described in the words of Hunter S. Thompson “buy the ticket, take the ride” “The American Dream in Action” and any number of his quotes could describe the scene. I journeyed into the vortex as strangers handed me beers and I sold my ticket. I am not ready to drink the Kool-Aid. The maelstrom of orange becomes a total blur. The skanks falling over themselves to the self righteous father getting hammered in front of his pre-teenage children, it is too much for one man to take in. I swim against the current and briefly see a girl I know.
At one point she was everything to me even if I was very little to her. Her beauty, personality, and her voice were more than I could ever hoped to experience. She made me feel good. I could do no wrong. The sins of my past were washed away with her smile. Then something happened that ended with my voice choking up with a desperation that comes when something important is lost. She spotted me in the crowd and said my name. I smiled and waved. Why would she do that? What have I done in my life that I would deserve such torment? What atrocity did I commit to have an angel speak to me in such a desirous way that the debauchery around me melts into nothing and that ember that burns in me is quickly snuffed out? What law of decency did I defecate on to have love pulled to the extremes of the universe after being only a few feet away? I have been born of a broken man but, that does not mean I will die a maggot.
The night ends in a state of mind numbing ecstasy. Slow suicide is becoming more common for me. Not man enough to pull the trigger I slowly poison myself. I cannot left my legs and my arms feel like they are made of lead. The energy of my heart sends vibrations rippling through my entire body. I can almost see the resonance dissipating in the air around me. I close my eyes and they start to water. There is a disconnect between my body and mind. A great sorrow is upon me. There must be some great sadness to explain my tears but, I cannot think of any. The last time the tears flowed at their own free will was my grandfather's funeral. Taps was played, the American flag was carefully followed, and I cried. I was not sobbing, my body just took over what I was too afraid to express. That's how I was when I laid on that concrete bench numb all over. It took some time but I gathered enough oxygen to move. My last thoughts before the longed comfort of sleep were “Why am I alone?”. It seems like a sick joke that I would desire for the touch of a girl and be constantly denied. Especially, when so many around me are granted this request.
