I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit in the past couple of days. We have become a society where the value of building good self-esteem is stressed. Particularly in schools. Teachers are constantly attending seminars and studying more about how to raise their students' self esteem. Is this honestly what is best for the kids? I am not saying that teachers should start calling the kids names and insult their intelligence, but maybe all of this self-esteem building is leading to more delinquency and less discipline.
How many times do you keep yourself from telling a kid the truth about something because you don't want to hurt their feelings? I'm not talking about insults of any kind, I am looking more at academics. For example. If a child is consistently failing a subject, they may use the "I'm perfect just the way I am" defense as opposed to studying harder to improve grades. Kids are so often told to accept themselves for who they are, but couldn't that decrease the amount of time and effort they put in to improving themselves? Why strive to be better if I'm already perfect? Why work to get an A when I still receive positive reinforcement for getting a D?
I am beginning to think that maybe our society is giving children too much power by being overly focused on their feelings. It has almost become a scapegoat. If a child misbehaves, parents tend to look at the things they, as parents, are doing wrong instead of the misbehaving child. This approach usually completely leaves out any form of punishment at all for the child. By telling children that they are misbehaving because of their emotions, it's almost like handing them the tools to manipulate any adult.
A child's parents are getting a divorce, so it's okay to burn the house down. What happened to accountability? Kids can get away with almost anything these days. A child gets caught smoking at school and the parents are fined. The society is telling children that they can do whatever they want and it is usually someone else's fault, whether it's the violence on tv, or family issues at home, or even a neighbor kid because they saw him doing the same thing.
When will the line be drawn? Even as small children, they cannot be spanked for bad behavior without this being considered child abuse. How are children supposed to learn anything if they cannot first learn that we DO have repercussions for our actions. Kids are taking part in more and more serious crimes every year. We need to start focusing on behavior modification while their young instead of constantly stroking their ego.
As an example, my friend tried to ground her eight year old son for selling Sharpie's at school for his friends to sniff. He told her that if she tried to ground him, he would just go to the police and use his skinned knee and tell them that she pushed him down. Since when did the kids hold all the cards?
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I could not agree with you more. I remember being a child and hearing nothing but, "You're special... everybody's special... blah blah blah." It was all rainbows and flowers until kids started bringing weapons to school, smoking, and failing classes. Modern schools have to close bathrooms because of bomb threats. Where is the personal responsibility we should be teaching our children?
Instead of inflated self-esteem... how about we teach them how to manage their money? How to be kind to others? Hmmmm? Too bad the schools are run by Liberals.
In regards to self-esteem promotion, I think it is good if it is targeted toward specific students. Not all children need their egos boosted as some are just fine and do have that "I am great, I can do whatever I want attitude." But I like the idea of self-esteem promotion for kids that obviously need it. I think that teachers should have the resources to confront children that are outsiders in their classroom or clearly under-performing because of a lack of self-esteem. They can most certainly benefit from the self-esteem strategy.
As far as reprocussions and consequences for kids' actions, I most certainly agree with you. I believe we should have the power to punish our children when they bisbehave. This does not mean I am advocating "spanking" or physical force. I think that parents have different techniques for reprimanding their children, and as long as your child is learning a lesson, and they know you do not intend to harm them physically or emotionally, that is fine.
In regards to your friend with her eight year-old son, I do see her situation as a huge problem. I actually did something like that to my father when I was around eight or nine. My father used to spank me, never anything extremely hurtful, but he did believe in that. So when we were driving up to Sacramento to visit my grandparents (from Orange Co., a very long drive) I was mad because he wouldn't stop again to get me food. I was being a brat. He told me I needed to be quiet and wait till we got there. I then spat back that if he didn't stop I was going to call the police and report him for child abuse because he was always spanking me. He immediately pulled over at the next call box on the highway and told me to go ahead and call the police. He said if I really feel that way, that he abuses me, then I should call them and see what they say. That really put me in my place and made me realize how terrible a thing that was for me to say to him as I know he never spanked me to harm me. I think this is the point when it comes to the punishment topic, that is, kids need to understand the reasons behind their punishment. It does nothing to ground a child unless they understand why. I will remember that day for the rest of my life, because I realized that my father was hurt by the fact that I would ever consider him abusive when he really wasn't.
*~* Cat *~*
The advice I gave her was to let him call the police and let him see what happens, but she was terrified that she would start being investigated and it would lead to missing work to meet with social workers. She works in a factory and they are not very sympathetic to missing work for any reason. Unfortunately, she backed off and pretty much just lets him do what he wants so she doesn't stir him up. To be honest, the kid kind of scares me. When he gets mad at her he reacts physically by destroying things in her house and her car. I won't even let him over to my house any more because I can't trust him. I feel rotten not allowing him over, but I don't want my house destroyed of he should happen to throw a tantrum....
It is extremely hard to get investigated. His skinned knee story would not have been enough. Child welfare has a huge case load in just about every city in the U.S., so they can't run off and investigate everyone. The social workers also recognize what a violation of privacy, life, and dignity their investigations are, so they would do some background checking before investigating them...like calling the school and finding out he sold Sharpies to sniff. End of investigation. Hilarious! In a sad way.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Thanks! That is good to know.
Hi there!
My comment to your friend is to get more creative - if the sharpies came from home, take away all the markers the child has access to, or let the child know that if he wakes up with those sharpies duct taped to his hands its his own fault. ^_^
I have a seven year old girl whose father lives in another state. We have very different parenting styles and sometimes clashes on what one parent has done that they other does not approve of; this happens far more often than I would like, but we never let my daughter in on the stress between us. Unfortunately we are in the minority.
Parents need to be more in on disciplining their children, which means not just punishment but teaching as well, through words and actions alike. My daughter understands what is expected of her, not because her teachers told her, but because we all live it in our home, every day. We respect each other and work together toward our common goals, and because of that I think that we function well as models and teachers for her. I know it isn't always sunny skies, but when something goes wrong we're all in it together, and my girl understands that her actions have an effect not only on her, but on everyone around her as well.
In response to engkatiemarie and her comment on liberals, I think she is being unfair to the learning institutions by placing a label on them. What would "conservative" be in these circumstances? Bringing back the paddle? I for one was on the receiving end of that instrument more than once and would never allow someone to use that on my child, or any other child, ever again. Punishment should not leave scars, emotional or physical, and there's no lesson to be learned in state-sponsored punishment of that sort. The only thing it ever taught me was "don't get caught", and that's not the message any of us want to get across. Schools are being put in the scapegoat position of having to raise our children without any proper tools for punishment - this isn't the fault of the educators, but the public opinion on what is proper and what is unacceptable. You can't fault the system for doing the best they can with what little tools they are allowed to employ in keeping their students in line.
I volunteer regularly at my daughter's elementary school, and I see what the system is using as forms of control and discipline, and, at least for us, its working. We require a certain amount of parental involvement, responsibility paired with respect for the students, and a positive environment that pushes without degradation for excellence in students' studies. Sometimes we all have to think outside the box in disciplinary actions ( I once taped ever Polly Pocket to my daughter's wall that I found on the floor, so she would see how many things she would lose if she didn't keep her room clean ) to get our points across, but nevertheless the point needs to come across, and we can't expect our schools to do all of it for us.
There's my two cents at least, I hope my first posting hasn't rankled anyone too much! ^_^ Take care everyone and have a great day!
Ali
I am neither a Liberal nor a conservative.
It is a fact that the majority of individuals who work at public schools are of a Liberal persuasion. This is clearly reflected in the teachers' unions, the direction of education, and the values taught.
I do not think it is unfair to say that Liberal values stray away from personal responsibility and towards socialism. The Liberal mindset of dependence is not something I want my children exposed to.
As a new teacher this year, I really found your article to be very interesting. And there is an issue that I think should be discussed in conjunction with yours.
Achievement v. Potential
Some students, no matter what you do, are simply unable to attain grades higher than a D. Classrooms now have more inclusion students than ever (students are on the border or below the cut-off for needing special ed classrooms). These students (regardless of if they are well- or misbehaved) still need encouragment in order to succeed in the classroom. The problem seems to come in to play more when the students who have the potential to get an A but are not achieving that high standard. When these students are constantly praised things start to go awry.
I tried my very best every day to give my students honest feedback about their progress. But I also tried to do so in a positive manner. For example, I had a student in my 7th grade band, "Ella" who consistently showed up late, would talk to her friends during rehearsal, and call out frequently disrupting the class. But when I had her in small group lessons and heard her play, she was awesome. I didn't sugarcoat the truth to her by any means and would often speak to her after class was over, asking her to try harder. But my efforts didn't hit home until she received her report card, with an ugly D on it. She came up to me and said she didn't think she deserved that grade. So I told her we would discuss it, and if she could prove to me that she deserved a higher one, I would change it. I explained my reasoning to her in these words (more or less):
Me: "Listen, 'Ella' you are a great musician. When I hear you play I'm excited about what you could do in the future and what you could be achieving if you were more focused in class. But, being a good musician also means being a good part of the band. How band classes were you late for this semester?"
Ella: "I dunno, maybe 8."
I then looked up the number (I took exhaustive notes on these types of things) which happened to be 15.
Me: "Actually you were late 15 times. Let's say you were about 5 minutes late each time. 15 times 5 is 75. That means you missed 2 class periods worth of instruction because you were late."
Ella: "Oh."
Me: "And how many times did we have a band rehearsal when I DIDN'T have to talk to you afterwards?"
Ella: "Not many."
Me: "So is it fair for me to give you an A just because you play well, when there are others who are working much harder and might not get an A because they don't play as well?"
Ella: "No, I guess not."
I guess what just makes me upset is that not everyone had the same educational experiences as me. A 90 was not something to brag about. It was something that reflected poorly, and I knew I could do better. Instead, I see students who don't care if they can do better. I don't know if promoting self-esteem is the problem or not, but it saddens me as an educator.
I'm not really sure if every schools boosts self esteem. Our school doesnt boost our self esteem. Alot of times, they tear it down, before we've even estblished of sense of who we are. A certain teacher at my school told us the first day ofclass that no one was good enough to make an A in his class. Another teacher, never felt like grading our homework, so she gave us all 90's and told us that no one was ever going to make a perfect score on ten math problems. Thats just two of several teachers that I have had who totally crush our potential.
However, on another stand point, I've seen several of our teachers, tell a student good job when he or she recieved a 60 on a test. I just think that by telling them that mediocrity is okay, it causes the students of our generation to lose their perserverance to better themselves.
Honestly, telling students that they are perfect the way they are isn't the way to bulid self-esteem. Telling them they did a good job, when they in fact did a good job, is great. That is the key to building self-esteem. But as I said before, telling them mediocrity is okay--- is not going to help anything. Honesty should be what we strive for ,even if it hurts their feelings. If it causes them to try harder good. If not, push them harder, but don't lie to them.
I can't say I know exactly what you mean, but I can relate to what you're saying about these teachers.
For example, my history teacher constantly tells his students that they're 'an empty vessel' and he's the so-called crusader to dispel igonorance. Pfffft. He constantly tells his class that the work he gives them is pretty much crayola work. And everytime we have TAKS benchmarks, he would remind them there'd be only a few students who'd pass it from each of his classes. Pretty insulting, isn't it? His students don't even try. . . A friend of mine also have similar grievances about how some of her teachers are 'dumbing down' the school work. =O
Even a math teacher I had is starting to give up on his students and he teaches Pre-AP Algebra II/AP Calculus. Nice fella, but he constantly sees that his students just aren't working as hard as they used to anymore. . . In fact, he even admits that the curriculum for the sophomores he teaches are just horrible because it's just straight-off computation and that the classes are so diluted compared the level of his courses five years ago.
And there's this 3-D Animation/Computer Multimedia teacher who constantly tells his students that they'll never live up to anything in life. If you get ahead in his class, he puts you down. If you get behind or ask questions about something you don't understand, he puts you down. If you're on task, he still puts you down. What kind of a teacher is that??
My Ac-Dec teacher, however, is try to push his kids harder. He teachers Ac-Dec for one period but he teaches Algebra I to freshmans for five other periods. Whenever I was visiting him during his conference periods, he always had students coming into his classroom and he would talk with them one-on-one, telling them that even though they're passing his class, he wants them to try harder because he knows they have potential. He doesn't exactly sugarcoat it by saying they're perfect the way they are; he tells them they have the potential to do much better if they just try.
So in the end, building up self-esteem can be a good thing, but it's how it's done. It should be more so a process of constructive criticism, meaning that people shouldn't be too sugary in what they say nor putting these kids don't. Discipline isn't all up to the educators and parents. At some point when the children are adolescents about to transition into adultood, they need to realize on their own the consequences for their actions and start taking up responsibility for their own actions. It's like that saying: "You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink." =/
A resolution for these kinds of thing isn't exactly simple though. . .
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". . . it is error upon error, clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail."
-from "Walden" by Henry Thoreau
I think the self-esteem issue is confused with personal responsibility and accountability. I watch my children's teachers try to boost their confidence and self-esteem to motivate them to learn. But then those same teachers are frustrated that the students aren't taking responsibility for their grades, actions, etc. Teachers blame parents when children fail, and focus efforts on getting parents to "do more homework with the kids", "punish the kids more for not doing their work", and on and on. The parents blame the teachers when the children fail, "she/he didn't make sure my kid was motivated enough to pass the class!", and on and on.
Look at the No Child Left Behind legislation. It pretty much gives license to everyone to blame the teachers, and punish them, for ANY problems students have thriving. That's not even right! I guess parents and kids don't have to take responsibility at all any more now that the government decided the teachers can take the blame.
In the US it seems that main stream society does not value personal responsibility or accountability. I can eat fast food, and blame the fast food company for getting fat. I can mismanage my money and blame the credit card company for sending me to collections. I can cheat on my partner and blame my partner for my choices.
Look at the work place. What does middle-management do when everything goes down hill? They blame the workers. What does upper-management do when everything goes down hill? They blame middle-management. Who's taking responsibility?
None of these issues have anything to do with self-esteem. You can boost someone's self-esteem without taking away their personal responsibility to be a good person and do well in life. I think self-esteem has become the scape goat to avoid having to address the deeper issue of personal responsibility.