Everywhere around me I see people getting divorced. Most of these people are friends of a friend, but they're all in their 20's and they are ending their short-lived marriages. Divorced by the age of 30. My wife's cousin is on her third marriage and she is two years younger than her!!!! What the Hell is going on?!?!?!? Does our generation not have what it takes to make a marriage work? My grandparents were married for 35 years before they died, but my parents didn't even make it 14 years. My foster parents have been together for almost 50. What is the secrets of their generation that they have failed to pass onto ours?
One problem I see is that people get married to people they don't really know. And they go into the marriage with the thought, "If it don't work out, I'll just get divorced." That's not the purpose of marriage, people!!!! The purpose of marriage is to unite your lives as one for the rest of your lives. There shouldn't be a what-if, maybe, or I don't really know when marriage is concerned. You should be sure that when you promise to God that you're going to be with that person and love that person no matter what the outcome, you're damn ready to live up to that promise...for sickness and health 'till death do you part, not until the divorce paper is signed.
Why don't people respect what marriage is supposed to represent?? I'm hoping that marriage will someday be an institution that is respected once again. People should view it as a holy institution no matter what their religion. That concept scared the Hell out me, personally. I was scared to take my vows because I knew what they represented to God and what they are supposed to represent to everybody. Vows aren't supposed to be taken lightly, but they are. How else could you explain why it is so easy to get a divorce and why the percentage of divorces in this nation is so high? If people actually cared about those vows they took, they would probably work harder at making their marriage work.
I can't sit here and tell everyone how to make their marriage work because I'm still learning about how to make my marriage work. I just wish people didn't rush into marriage thinking that it doesn't matter if they get divorced, because it does matter. It matters to me because I have children and I want them to view marriage how I see it, not how most people in this world are seeing it.
Tell me what you think, I would really like to hear your comments on this subject.
My grandparents too, have had a long marriage, but I think they were playing by societal rules. Before the 50's and 40's, if you were in your 20s, you were supposed to get married or be married. And divorce was not an option. The few that were brave enough to try it were shunned by "decent" folk and called sinners, or literally spat on by less sophisticated folks and perhaps beaten.
Ask your own grandparents. My grandmother told me several horror stories of what happened to women when they chose divorce. And it's even worse if you're a divorced and pregnant woman. Men essentially get off scot-free.
Unfortunately, both my sets of grandparents or dead so I can't talk to them about that sort of thing. I think the reason they weren't considered 'decent' anymore is because most people then had a very high moral standing when marriage was concerned. It was society that pressured them to get married and stay married, but what I want to know is why we don't have that high moral standing anymore? I'm not trying to say what moral standing it should have for everyone, because it could be different for everybody and still be accepted as a high moral standing. I'm just trying to convey that marriage should mean more to people than it does.
No day but today
-RENT
Unless you bring religion into this, I just don’t see anything wrong with divorce, even if you divorced a couple dozen times. Marriage is simply a commitment to stay together. If you don’t want to stay together, don’t. It’s just silly to say any commitment is so sacred that it cannot be broken. However, as with any person who continually breaks commitments, if you do it too much, people will start to avoid getting into any agreements with you.
The days of the decades-long, loveless, emotionless marriage is over. Anyone who stays together for decades these days truly love each other, and to me, that’s a very good thing.
You make a good point. There's no reason to be in a loveless, emotionless marriage. Not many people can make it decades because they rush into marriage without really knowing if they truely love the person they are committing to. Even though times are changing, marriage should be more than just a written contract. It should emobody whatever your belief system is.
No day but today
-RENT
"Unless you bring religion into this, I just don’t see anything wrong with divorce, even if you divorced a couple dozen times. Marriage is simply a commitment to stay together...."
I would agree with you if people were having a commitment ceremony saying "...I promise to stay with you until next July at which point we shall re-evaluate." But marriage is not just a commitment to stay together for an undetermined amount of time (six hours? two months? seven years?). It is a commitment to stay together for life, even if things get worse. Anyone who's divorced spouses a dozen times is just saying the words if they promise for the thirteenth time to commit for life.
I've known people who said when they were getting "married" that they would "try it out and see how it works out." Well, a commitment is not something organic that you "watch happen;" it's something that you choose to abide by (or not).
There's nothing wrong with NEVER getting married. No one should be pressured into it. If two people want to just commit to stick together for the next three months or the next decade, then that's what they should do. But if a commitment means anything, it means the parties involved plan to make it work, not just "watch and see," which dooms it to fail.
I've been to a lot of weddings for people of a lot of ages, ethnicities and religions, same- and opposite-sex couples. Usually I have a feeling whether it's going to last. One guy told me before his wedding that, if his spouse gained weight, he'd ditch her. I haven't seen him in a while, but I suspect it's over, and his "for better or worse" vows didn't mean a thing.
I agree with you completely. I couldn't have said it better myself.
No day but today
-RENT
This is a great blog. Marriage is like dating, if it doesn't work, people think they can just break up.
Caity =)
i think a lot of people rush into marriage simply BECAUSE of the so-called high moral standing it has in our society. have you ever looked at a woman's magazine? it's all "get a man", "keep your man", "planning a wedding", "getting him to propose", blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
it's a little bit intimidating, frankly, and i feel like if i don't get married by the time i'm out of college there's no hope for me.
maybe if there were less emphasis on marriage and more on developing healthy long-term relationships, we wouldn't have this problem.
--stacie
maybe if there were less emphasis on marriage and more on developing healthy long-term relationships, we wouldn't have this problem.
I love that statement. It's like you really understand where I'm coming from when I wrote this blog.
No day but today
-RENT
I think a huge component of this debate, is what marriage means to specific couples and within today's society. It could be a status thing, like a trophy spouse. Or a person might think that the only way their long term commited relationship is sanctioned within society is if they are married. It might be because people want to have and raise children together. It might be because that's just what people within their culture or religion do. Or it could be because two people want to create a life together where they love and support each other for the rest of their time together.
Most people, I think, get married for a combination of these and additional reasons.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
No matter what the reason may be people still shouldn't enter marriage so lightly. It doesn't even have to be about religion to say that you are going to commit your life to someone.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
Firstly,
Marriage for whatever reason seems to make women think that they have some special right over another. The idea of two people being in a committed relationship and not getting married is a nice thought until things go awry. Because when her heart is broken all her married girlfriends have to say is "well, you weren't married to him." Does their committed relationship mean less because they didn't get some piece of paper for it? Because you know these are the same women that gawk about when one of the married ones is going through a divorce.
Also, this is not even including all the other benefits that non-married couples are denied such as insurance benefits and loan apporvals, etc.
Secondly,
Your blog makes a lot of presuppositions about what marriage is and the influence of a god into that definition. Technically, a marriage is just a legal contract with the government stating that two parties will be living together. According to http://www.lectlaw.com/def2/m087.htm (which I am not claiming is a reputable source just the first link on google for the definition of marriage) states that marriage is "A contract made in due form of law, by which a free man and a free woman reciprocally engage to live with each other during their joint lives, in the union which ought to exist between husband and wife. By the terms freeman and freewoman in this definition are meant, not only that they are free and not slaves, but also that they are clear of all bars to a lawful marriage."
My point is that if you take religious bias out of the arguement, then there really isn't anything wrong with a divorce. Most people that get a divorce, get a divorce because at least one of the two parties is unhappy. Why live life unhappily when you only have onelife to live?
Doing what you love, is merely loving what you do.
I'm not trying to define marriage technically or religously. I'm just saying that marriage should mean more than just the technical definition and even more than a religous pledge. People should define marriage for themselves, but the definition should include something permenant and binding. They should believe in this institution more than if things get tough then they be gone. Why get married just for tax purposes or to get a loan? It should be more meaningful than that even if religious isn't concerned.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
When you say that marriage should be permanent and binding you ARE defining it. Like I was trying to say in my comment, some people's reasons for getting married don't require it to be particularly long lasting. That may be a requirement for your marriage, but not for everyone's.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
Firstly,
Marriage for whatever reason seems to make women think that they have some special right over another. The idea of two people being in a committed relationship and not getting married is a nice thought until things go awry. Because when her heart is broken all her married girlfriends have to say is "well, you weren't married to him." Does their committed relationship mean less because they didn't get some piece of paper for it? Because you know these are the same women that gawk about when one of the married ones is going through a divorce.
Also, this is not even including all the other benefits that non-married couples are denied such as insurance benefits and loan apporvals, etc.
Secondly,
Your blog makes a lot of presuppositions about what marriage is and the influence of a god into that definition. Technically, a marriage is just a legal contract with the government stating that two parties will be living together. According to http://www.lectlaw.com/def2/m087.htm (which I am not claiming is a reputable source just the first link on google for the definition of marriage) states that marriage is "A contract made in due form of law, by which a free man and a free woman reciprocally engage to live with each other during their joint lives, in the union which ought to exist between husband and wife. By the terms freeman and freewoman in this definition are meant, not only that they are free and not slaves, but also that they are clear of all bars to a lawful marriage."
My point is that if you take religious bias out of the arguement, then there really isn't anything wrong with a divorce. Most people that get a divorce, get a divorce because at least one of the two parties is unhappy. Why live life unhappily when you only have one life to live?
Doing what you love, is merely loving what you do.
Obviously did not mean to do that twice. I apologize.
Doing what you love, is merely loving what you do.
It happens. No problem!
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
Apparently, a lot of people in our society don't recognize what the word "vow" means. The idea of people getting married for other "legal" reasons, such as insurance, etc, to me, is just going to show how shallow and non-committal most people are these days. If people want to get married for other reasons than to love one another forever, then why are so many weddings still held in churches? My personal beliefs are that if you get married, especially in a church, that you are proclaiming to God and everyone else that you are both legally and spiritually bound to this person.
The sanctity of marriage certainly isn't helped by the drive through marriage chapels in Las Vegas or by seeing celebrities on television getting married then getting divorced the next day. The sanctity of almost anything these days has gone to the dogs, unfortunately.
One of the biggest problems in marriages is the financial one. If they don't earn enough money and they spend it on whatever each one of them likes, fights will not hesitate to appear. I made a small business loan, so my wife can afford all the pair of boots she wants. Don't take it wrong.. she works too, but this way .. we can all be happy. For now.