As I sit here, enduring my 6th feeding of the day, it's very hard for me to believe that in 24 hours I will be in a completely different place. For two and a half months I've been fed properly, therapized, and said the words "I feel" so many fucking times I'm about to eliminate it from my vocabulary.
However, as this entry is the closing chapter of what I like to call "The Rehab Chronicals", I feel (AH! Fuck.) it would not be complete without one of my famous lists.
Here we go.....
Why I Encourage Anyone To Go to Eating Disorder Rehab:
1. FREE FOOD! Okay, I understand those with an ED aren't exactly enticed by this idea. However, once you're in more "Wise Mind" (as you will learn more about what that is in therapy!), you will realize "Hey. I'm getting free groceries. This is awesome!"
2. You Will Meet Like Minded Others. Sick of hearing the phrase "Just eat!" Or "It's easy, don't barf!" If so, you'll be relieved to know that you will never hear someone say those two phrases--or any variation thereof--during treatment.
3. Apparently one can eat peanut butter almost every day as part of their breakfast and not get fat! Huh. What a concept.
4. Accents are fun! Especially poor French ones that you use during OA meetings and when at restaurants.
5. You will inevitably consider a 49 year old owner of a surf store one of your closest friends.
6. Drug addicts? Alcoholics? They have eating disorders too! Who knew?
7. Girls with eating disorders are some of the most perverted individuals you have ever met in your life.
8. Your reservations about going to the bathroom with the door open or with someone listening to you urinate will be gone! Bye-bye, shy bladder!
9. The coffee you first thought tasted like absolute shit (and still contains the grounds in it) will suddenly be your reason for getting out of bed in the morning.
10. NORMAL PEOPLE CLOSE THEIR DRESSER DRAWERS!! Huh. I must say, this was the biggest shocker of all.
So I must admit, I feel super-kinda-EXTREMELY gay for not wanting to leave the HG. Most people are like "Yeah! I'm leaving!!!" or maybe "Yeah, I'm sad to go, but SO EXCITED to be going home!"
My reaction?
I WANT TO STAY FOREVER! Well, only if I didn't have a curfew and I could have people over. And that Aimee and Casey and Barb and Laura would come back and Amelia and Nicola and Cat and Brook-With-No-E (more on her later) would never leave either.
I guess it's normal to be nervous. It'd be weird if, after spending 75 days in treatment, to be all "HEY!! Let's go grocery shopping!" but it still freaks me out.
Brook-With-No-E is not my roommate. It was the weirdest fucking thing. The night she came, I was in my room, doing some homework (heh), writing my note, etc., and I heard her downstairs. Aimee's old bed was all ready for her--she even had towels!--but she wasn't coming up. I was SO tired--the kind of tired that your whole body just fucking ACHES--so I'm like "Fuck this. I'll meet her in the morning." So I got ready for bed and got my sleep on. In the morning, I opened my eyes expecting to find a fellow ED sufferer in the bed next to mine. Nope. No one.
As I was brushing my teeth, Barb came in and said "Angie, did the new girl sleep in your room last night?"
Me: "No, she never came in.
Barb: "Oh, good. Because I'm pretty sure she slept in mine!" I guess they put B-With-No-E in the big room, where the new people normally go. Anyways, I had a thought when I saw her that was rational, healthy, and NORMAL!
The thought?
"That girl is way too fucking skinny!"
Seriously. I admit, a part of me was jealous of her. But it was a very SMALL part. And I knew that, even though I was envious, that it didn't look good. And she kind of had a freak out (and by kind of I mean MASSIVE) before going to the gym yesterday when she found out about how much exercise she was allowed. Apparently she thought it was going to be a lot more than it is and was crying and screaming. I felt so bad for her. I remember thinking "I'M GOING TO BLOW UP AND GET SO HUGELY AND GROSSLY FAT IF I DON'T EAT RAW VEGETABLES AND WORKOUT FOR 2 HOURS A DAY!!" Ahh, to be a Rehab Rookie. She'll learn in time.
But Brook-With-No-E is SO sweet. And fun. And DAMMIT! Why do I have to like her?? It just makes leaving so much harder. And Cat is turning out to be one of the most hilarious people I've ever met. All our talks about "They're either drunks or Mormons!" and the musical stylings of the "Meowy Christmas" Holiday CD she played during dinner tonight make me wish I was staying longer.
And Nicola! Motherfucker, do I love this girl. It's weird. She came 3 days after me, but I literally cannot remember those 72 hours without her. I'm SO glad she's going to be close by. We're hanging out this weekend, and I'm so, so happy about that.
Amelia and I called Casey yesterday. It was so good to hear her voice and that's she's doing well and looking for a car and all these normal things! We called her on break from RELAPSE PREVENTION PLANNING! and were 20 minutes late to group. We heard Laurie screaming "ANGIE!!!" out the window at us and got scared so we had to hang up with her.
I also talked to Aimee last night. It's been really hard with everyone leaving. I told my therapist today that these girls are some of my best friends and to see them leave just delves me into this whole abandonment issue I'm apparently suffering from.
I met with the nutritionist yesterday and got a copy of my meal and exercise plan. And the words she said to me was like angels singing:
"You're at the weight we want you at right now."
Me: "Oh, yay!"
In my head: Wait...WHAT?! But my pants still fit! And even though I'm bigger than I would like, I know (when I'm thinking logically) that I'm not some huge, gross monster.
The nutritionist is also a personal trainer at a gym that's close to my new room (it's not really an apartment, but saying room makes it sound like I live in a shack) and said she'd get me a FREE WEEK PASS!!! Yeaaaaah baby! And with the threat of her being around, no overexercising will occur, I can tell you that. This lady could kick my ass.
Shannon, the yoga instructor, left me a yoga CD today that has one of my favorite songs from yoga on it. It has the song from "Matilda" on it, when she's making everything in the house move around after discovering her magic powers. Yes, I realize I'm the ONLY person who would know this immediately after hearing the song and no, I can't believe I'm admitting it on here. Buttttt.....the studio Shannon teaches at offers a free week pass as well!! That week is going to be pretty damn awesome, let me tell you.
My parents apparently found out about the $300 I spent on shopping the other day. I got a text from my dad:
"Angie, you're going to have to return everything for a full refund. Sorry."
Later:
"Angie, it's either the plane ticket to Wisconsin for Spring Break or your clothes."
I tried calling my parents but they didn't answer. If it's Wisco or the clothes, then it's bye-bye new wardrobe. The problem? I've taken all the tags off, worn most of the stuff, and am pretty sure I got a stain on one of the shirts.
Oops.
I guess my dad was serious about taking the car back to Anaheim if I didn't have my license by tomorrow. Apparently if I'm pulled over they can put me in jail and impound the car and charge us $4,000 blah blah blah. So I figured it might be a good idea to get my license. So I studied for the test, got all cute so my license picture might actually have a shot at looking semi-attractive, got cash out of the ATM because the fucking DMV doesn't take credit, and drove over there. Only to be denied taking the test because I don't have a fucking BIRTH CERTIFICATE with me. What?!? And my dad REFUSES to bring me my birth certificate tomorrow because of some insurance thing he needs it for that's taking place on Friday and if I lose it we'll all die of poverty or some such business and he just WILL NOT risk that from occurring. Ugh. It really irritated me this morning when my mom told me this and said "Just take the train to Anaheim today, get your certificate, take the test here, and take the train back!" What?! Do you think we don't DO anything here? Then, since it was 6:30 am when this was occurring, my dad decided to say "Go back to bed, shower, and we'll talk later."
GO BACK TO BED AND SHOWER?
Gee, dad, I'd love to. Only if my day didn't look like this:
7 am--Prepare breakfast
7:30-8:00 am--Eat breakfast
8:30-9:30 am--Yoga
9:45--Leave for office
10:00-11:30--Group therapy
11:30--Eat snack while at the same time driving to gym
12:45--Get home from gym, make lunch as fast as possible
12:50--1:20--Eat lunch
1:30--2:15--Individual therapy
2:30--Get gas for car. Think that gas light on means time to fill up.
2:45--Shower
3 pm--Go to drug store to drop off negatives that contain picture of me looking hot
4 pm--Snack
5:30--ANAD meeting
7 pm--Dinner
I'd like to know where sleeping in fits into this little scenerio.
But thankfully they take passports (even those of the expired variety, which is what I have right now) so my parents are driving it down with them tomorrow so I can take the test Monday.
On a more serious note, I am so, so, SO grateful to have come to the HG. It literally saved my life. Had I stayed in Wisconsin, I would've wound up in the same situation; it might've taken longer, but it was inevitable. And guess what? There's no treatment for ED in Wisco. If there is, it's slim to none. As cheesy and Dawson's Creek-y as it sounds, I feel that part of the reason I came to California was to come to the HG. I've learned so much about myself and other people and have made so many close relationships and really felt like ME!--the girl who loves to wear moccasins with any article of clothing, the one who gets "RED LIGHT!" (HG's official slogan for "What you're saying is offending me; please stop!") shouted at her almost daily, the one who's up at the crack of dawn doing homework, the one who's infamous for the variety of sleepwear she owns--for the first time in so, so long. Leaving here is heartbreaking to me, but I know I need to do it and I really feel like it's time.
So to everyone I've met in treatment, to those people who have sent me messages on here to tell me extremely amazing things, to the people I've called/texted/cried to in person, thank you. I wouldn't be where I'm at right now, in this moment, were it not for all of you.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
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i have loved reading all these blogs you have posted...
you write so well.
And its so interesting to see your experience.
Thats just so cool =]
You'll be in my prayers. I can imagine how it will feel when you leave.
-Bailey <3