Lately I have been writing about how I've been acting and how it's been bothering. Well for a while I was starting to feel better, then something happened and I felt the same again. And recently I was starting to feel better, BUT tonight it kind of got ruined again. I hate how it happens, and the sad thing about it is...it's ALL my own fault. Everything that I feel right now is because of something I did. The thing I hate most, and what I get on myself about, is that I feel like I'm hurting him, well maybe not hurting but I'm making him feel things he shouldn't. I mean everything is perfect with us, but I feel like I cause all of the trouble we have, and every time we argue, it's because of me. And that is the truth. Another thing that bothers me is that some how I make him feel like he's doing something wrong, when honestly he doesn't do anything wrong, EVER! I am the one that always does something wrong. My main problem is,(most people wouldn't think its a big deal, but it's hard to understand) I am always asking him question about things, like the littlest things that don't even matter and have nothing to do with the present. It's not that I'm questioning him, it's just I wanna know stuff, so I ask. And it's all I ever do. He told me that he doesn't like that I always ask question, and don't just talk about something. I do talk but I guess I do ask question more than actually talking about something. And when he told me that, I felt the worst pain ever. It felt like someone was stabbing a knife into my chest, it wasn't a very good feeling. My heart felt broken into pieces when he said that. It's wasn't because of what he said or how he said it, it was because I was asking myself "what is wrong with me?, why am i doing this to him?". I felt so empty inside, it was horrible. And it felt even worse knowing that I was the cause of this, for the first time in my life. I've had another person make me feel this way but I've never made myself feel this way.
This isn't how I am...I shouldn't be doing any of this, but somehow I manage to. I need to find a way to stop this and to never do it again. I don't want to ask any more questions about anything to him, I mean sometimes is okay but all the time isn't. I feel like I am always doing something wrong, and that I can't make anything right. I've never been this way in my life, with anyone. A couple years ago, I was heartbroken over this boy I "loved", and I felt like it ruined me. I felt like I really loved him. BUT now that I've been with my boyfriend now for a long time, I'm realizing that I really am in love this time, and it's for real. I honestly think that I wasn't in love before, because I didn't change. And I feel like when you really fall in love, you automatically chance, rather it's good or bad. And in this case I have changed, because I've never been so protective of a person before and I've never made myself feel this way when I treated him bad or anything. And I feel like when I fell in love, I didn't change in a good way, but it will eventually turn into something great. Maybe this is a challenge for me of some sort, but I don't know the purpose of it or even why I'm feeling this and doing these things. Being in love for the first time has changed me so much, there are good ways also, but I'm not in that sort of mood to talk about that. I'm trying to fix this problem I have. Most people say that if you let a problem go it will fix on it's own.. well I'm not sure I'm willing to sit back and let this ride through. I have to change this to make him feel better. It's the worst feeling when you really look at someone and you can see what they're feeling, and it's even worse when you know that you're the cause to how they're feeling. I'm afraid that I have broken my own heart, and I need to figure out how to put the pieces back together. I've let myself act this way, not knowing what damage I could be causing, if there even is any right now, which I doubt. But I cannot take that chance, especially with him. I get the most amazing feelings from him, and I seem to always figure out a way to ruin them feelings for myself. I seem to be always putting myself down, as far as I can go, with these feelings. That is probably the worst thing I could possibly do to myself. I mean I am a strong person, but I've never done this to myself so it's not easily fixed. Also there are times when I feel I'm less important to him than other things, and I hate feeling that way. He tells me that I'm the most important thing to him, but I wish I could just feel that when he choses other things over me.
If anyone could help me figure out how to change things, I would really appreciate it a lot! Thanks.
