He is making me stronger through this, I must keep reminding myself. Its so difficult when what you know you are to do seems so impossible. I cannot keep letting myself get hurt by this, but I don't know how to serve him through it with the changes I know I must make. It has not been easy, and its only been one day since the decision has been made. I already broke some of the rules I set for myself. I stood up for myself in the end, saying "this is what I was escaping from, leave it alone, it is my decision," but for an hour and a half I put up with everything I know God wants me out of. Why? Why did something that started out so well, being beneficial to both of us, turn into something that brings me so much emotional pain? I thought I was serving God through it all, and for a long time I was, we both grew closer to him as a result of all the struggles, the late night talks, the tears of desperation, when did it turn into something that is eating me alive, and why?
she says "why can't we just go back to how it was before it got bad?" how do I respond to that? The clock cannot just be turned back, I have been emotionally beaten and bruised, and I will not be set up for that again. she says "so much has changed" but has it? how do I believe what hasn't been shown to me? She says "I can't do this without you" and I scream "thats what I'm escaping! Thats why this is so hard. YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT ME, you only need HIM" "but thats not what I mean" she says, she is so insistent that it is a separate need, that she just doesn't count God when she's talking about me. but the pressure is on, and I tell her I can't help her because it has become a constant need, and I do not have that to give anymore. Is that such a big problem? Is it so much to ask that I don't give everything I have every day of my life to support one broken person? Can't I have time and energy to support all the people I love?
And yet, how can I abandon her? That is not what Christ would do. He would never leave her side. She has no one else to turn to.
I feel like I'm being walked all over, but I don't want to leave her in the dark either. What is the answer, will I ever know?
