**I would like to start this blog out by saying that the contents of this blog are in no way intended to point to any one or two people and is not meant to offend, humiliate, call out, demoralize, or cut down anyone. It is simply some thoughts that I have been having over the last few weeks that I feel I can much better understand by writing them out and having friends comment with their thoughts. If you feel as though I have attacked you with something that I have said I apologize in advance. Please do not let this keep you from reading the rest of this blog.**
So over the past year I feel as though I have observed a lot about marriage. Not being married myself would make me no expert, but I have talked to people who are married (and those who once were) and because of that I feel as though I've gained some insight.
I've seen many people get married, and I've also seen many break up and still some that are trying to "work it out." I've noticed marriages where the people don't sleep in the same bed, but are still married and still faithful to one another. I've also seen marriages were both partners don't even sleep in the same house. I've seen marriages of people that I thought would last forever break up unexpectedly and marriages that I thought should never happen seem to be working out. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when someone is "married" it can mean so many different things!
So this makes me examine what it actually means to be married. "...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live..." traditional vows said in some way, shape or form at nearly every wedding and that I feel are often forgotten as the years go on. "....for as long as we both shall live..." that's the most over looked part. It doesn't say, "until I fall out of love," or "until a better person comes along," or "until I become unhappy," but "for as long as we both shall live." This small statement speaks of a commitment that is so much deeper than feelings and emotions that I think often times people may not fully grasp it when they are into the hustle and bustle of wedding planning. It's not just about loving someone when you feel like you're "in love" but it's loving that person when you don't even want to be in the same state as them. It's about communication and working things out. I think my dad put it best the other day when he said, "people have just lost the commitment." Marriage is not solely based on LOVE. Love is fickle and a human's emotions can change in an instant and that is what Love is...an emotion. Now, being "in love" is definitely a key to getting married in the first place, but feeling that giddiness and butterflies everytime you see your sweetheart is not what guides a marriage. It's so much deeper than that. "For better, or for worse." That "for worse" clause is in there for when the times get shaky and things may not be going well. When you don't feel like you love that person anymore, when you think that everything they do is wrong, when you begin to doubt whether you ever loved them at all. That's the for worse part.
It just seems like marriage has become something that you do when you are so completely in love with someone that you can't dream of spending your life with anyone else. Which is awesome! That's fantastic! But when that feeling wears off and it becomes hard, or something that is not enjoyable anymore, it's just time to pack up and find the next person that will fulfill our desires and comfort our loneliness.
Dad told me a story about him and mom just a few years after they had gotten married. For those who don't know...I was an OOPS! My mom was 18 and my dad was 17 when I was born. A month after I was born at the ripe young age of 18 my parents got married. My dad's mom called it all a mistake and told my dad that he was throwing his life away. She wanted my mom to have an abortion and for both my parents to go to college and make something of themselves. But to her dismay, they still married and 3 months later my dad graduated from High School and worked full time for a company called Kenny Shoes. His job relocated him a lot and my family spent the next 8 years travelling up and down the eastern side of the states, wherever his job called. 4 1/2 years into this journey my sister was born. And through it all my parents were not happy. But anyways back to the story...Dad told me the other day that not long after my sister was born he called his mom and told her that he just couldn't do it anymore. He said that he was going to file for a divorce and try to get custody of me and my sister and that he was just...done. It was too hard and he didn't love my mom anymore. My mimi gave my dad the best advice that night, she told him that he needed to grow up and be a man. She said that she would not help him get custody of his kids and that she would not let him move into her house. She told him that he had promised to be with my mom and that's exactly what he needed to do. She bluntly told him to work it out. And then got off the phone with him. Dad said that a little tough love was exactly the thing that he needed. Dad stayed with mom and fought, drank, cried, and eventually worked it out. Today my parents are still married (it'll be 20 years in February) and if it hadn't been for my Mimi telling Dad to suck it up and tough it out, they would have divorced 15 years ago and never had my baby brother, or adopted the two kids that we have today.
There are so many people that I wish I could just tell that too! Suck it up and grow up! You committed to this person and they committed to you, now work it out!
But I guess it doesn't really work that way...people are fickle and I guess they always will be...
I know this one's really long, but I'm sure there will be another to follow again soon. I have a lot of thoughts....what can i say? :) please feel free to comment away! I like to hear other people's opinions!
That was a very sweet and thoughtful musing on marriage. I agree with most of what you say (in fact, I can't think of anything I don't agree with, but I'm a cynic, so let's stick with "most")!
My parents have a similar story, except that they never worked it out. They have stayed together for 35 years, but they are terrible to each other and really should get divorced. The kids are all grown (though they should have gotten divorced when we were young, anyway, as it would have made for a happier childhood) and there's no reason they have to be together, other than a vow made when they were 18. They don't love, honor, or respect each other, so their vow is pretty meaningless. I think that in cases like theirs, divorce is warranted.
But you're right...divorce is too widely chosen when things are rough.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I think that the problem is is that people are not REALLY getting to know the people that they are marrying. They are rushing into it! My grandmother married a man 5 weeks after he proposed. Little did she know that he was a drunken child molester. I go to a small college so the couples here are really close. Maybe a little too close if you know what I mean. There was a couple that just unexpectedly got married over Christmas break. There is a couple that just got engaged but the guy is a complete pervert. People jsut can't get married that soon! It causes problems. My mom had me at seventeen. She never married my dad. She married my 17 year old brother's dad, though. He turned out to be a pot head and a drunk. He held a gun on us. You can't trust the poeple that you love unless you really really really get to know them. And you have to know them for more then a few months. You have to know them for more then a couple of years in my opinion. I was engaged and i'm so happy it did not work out. We would have gotten married last summer and it probably would have turned into divorce. I agree with what your saying... COMITTMENT is what is needed!
I clearly loudly desperately agree. Its only a hope that more people will come to this conclusion.