It's funny how people change. Two years ago, if someone had shown me who I would be now, there's no way I would've believed it. and i would've hated myself for changing this way. Looking back, i know it was definitely for the better, but it's still hard. old habits die hard. Doing the right thing often requires sacrificing so many precious things -- relationships, friendships, things that were always just there. now they're gone. i know it's worth it, or at least it will be. it's just really hard to feel it right now.
It's kind of unnerving thinking about the future at all, knowing how many changes just the past 2 years have brought. and yet, i don't really want to stop time. there's too much to look forward to. and i don't really want to turn it back. there's too much i don't want to relive. there's something about the present that's kind of breathless, like it's the bridge that holds you as you're suspended between two great cliffs of past and future.
But you're never gonna get across the bridge to the future. and you're never gonna be able to turn back to the past. and that's hard because those are what feel most concrete. the past always seems more concrete to me when i look back at it as opposed to when i'm actually living it. and i keep thinking that at some point i'm gonna actually be living my future, be living in the future. and everything's gonna feel solid and settled. but that's not true, because by then it'll be the present, and again, i'll be suspended delicately across the great chasm that divides the past and the future. it's not gonna feel solid. it's gonna feel the same -- concrete past and seemingly concrete future.
Time is just so predictable, but at the same time, it's one of the most unpredictable things in the world. at least to me. i guess it's because i often perceive it wrong.
Well here's to the future and the changes it'll bring, the good and the bad.
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I have had these exact same thoughts, literally. I remember I was at rehersal for a musical I was in three years ago, and I was standing outside in the rain waiting for one of my scenes to come up, and I was feeling so confused, and was trying to hold onto the moment at the same time because it was beautiful. And I remember thinking that even though right now I couldn't grasp the moment and understand it fully, next time it would be easier because that was the future. Yet it's true, when the future becomes the present, it isn't so simple anymore.
The last two years of my life have seen a HUGE change in me, and that can be both frightening and liberating, but I'm glad that I have the ability to grow and learn, and know that as scary as it may be, as uncomfortable as it is, there is good to come of it.
I just wrote an entry to my blog that was similar to this one, and I made the same point. Why does the past seem so easy to hold on to than the things we are going through now?
I just played the hand I was dealt..... I'm just playin to win ;-) (rapper 2Pac)