I've been having writer's block on my life. Does that make sense? I can't even formulate words that effectively translate what I feel about anything in life. There's this rut that I keep trying to climb out of, only to continually slip back into this monotany. What's funny to me is that technically I am so much more balanced as a person; I work out daily, lost that college weight, eat right, work, earn money, stop putting harsh chemicals in my hair, and the like. All of that which is supposed to make me healthy and better only serves to make me feel more empty and even robotic at times. Wow, how depressing is that?
It's such a harsh change from college to work. I went from having my friends around 24/7, fun at the snap of a finger, and oh yes, a boyfriend. I traded that all in for a 9-5(30) and the "real" world.
The biggest irony about the "real" world is how unreal it makes you. In college I feel like I was able to be myself, no holds barred. Now as Chris Rock calls it I send out the "representative", which of course is the subdued version of yourself. From time to time though I find myself dying to come out. For example, I went to a friends bday dinner after recently coming back from a trip to Puerto Rico. Someone asked me how it was, to which I replied "it was awesome everyone was so bangable", only to look around and see the shocked faces of the people who don't know me. My real self had pushed the representative aside and made an unwelcomed appearence.
I just can't understand how to have the balance between the representative and myself and still manage to have fun at the same time.
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The transistion period is very hard on a person. I experienced this when I went through a divorce and was left as a single mother of two, working 14 hours a day and then the rest of my day was left with screaming children. I could never go out, and if I had time to go out, where was I going to go? I just was stuck. I would sit sometimes and it felt like I could see everything in slow motion passing me by.
I would watch the rain beat on my windshiled on my way to work, and I would get so lost in the freedom of the rain that I would realize I had zoned out. I could walk into a starbucks and see the cute college couples sitting around drinking coffee, talking about ritzy things like French films, and new symphony music, or their trips to Napa Valley... and all I could think was where did I get lost? When did I miss the bus? I wanted to sit and talk about that stuff. But at the same time, I didn't. I wanted a white picket fence and a dog, and an SUV.... but now I have all those things... it is 5 years later, and still that empty feeling will creep in from time to time. The grass is always greener, in someone else's yard. But the key is knowing you are blessed where you are. There is peace found in faith alone. Get to know yourself. What you like, what you don't like... time by yourself is rare... soon you will have a family, and kids... and PTA meetings... get to know yourself. Find out if you like sushi, deep sea fishing, bird watching, hiking, whatever... stock markets, fresh flowers... there is sweet release in knowing who you are.
Jeanna Marie
You do sound very healthy! I know that I look at my life and wish I could be like that. But I think you have a point - as far as robotic actions go. I feel that way too. I'm a highschool senior, I come home from school, take a nap, start my homework, reserach colleges and scholarships, and then I go to bed - only to repeat the schedule again the next day, and the next day, and the next. It goes on forever!
WHO AM I?! We only have on life to live, yet we're constantly being told : be healthy, have good habits, be respectable, don't run naked in your front yard. Well, what if I want to live? Society has so many limits I feel like I can't be myself. So I totally relate to you. Who wants to live in the real world if its so boring? Why can't we have fun? All humans ever do is work to get a better life.
But good luck. You wrote this blog well, I hope that that skill becomes unblocked for life, living, and work. :)
If I heard the phrase "everyone was so bangable" I probably would've given you an odd look too, but mostly because it's a phrase I'm not familiar with.
In work situations, you've got to represent your job so in a sense you can't be you. You can't dress like a slob or use cutesy grammar or something because suddenly people will look at you funny. That's too bad really. We don't need to be stomping out individuality, do we?
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
I understand how you feel. Conformity really sucks. I am constantly saying and doing things that get awkward glances. Sometimes I feel that I'd be better off living like a hermit to avoid saying and doing the wrong things....