I used to think to myself all the time as a kid, "I just don't get them," refering to my parents. I'm guessing this statement will resonate with many of you out there in Blog World. At some point I gave up and just accepted who they are. However, questions about them have gone unanswered. That is, until now.
I previously posted how my childhood was less than ideal and left me feeling unloved. A couple of days later, I posted that my mom told me that she withdrew from me after I almost died when I was a child. Since then, she has gone in depth with me about everything that happened those first few months of my life. It has been quite profound since no one has ever told me much of anything.
I knew that I had a birth defect and had to have surgery. That was really all anyone ever said. The longer version is that I stopped breathing several times and stayed in the hospital for days. All kinds of friends and family had come and started making promises to God to let me live. I seemed hopeless at one point when my pediatrician suggested one last test that ended up finding the defect in my digestive system. I had a surgery and pulled right through.
Now, I think to myself, "Heck yah, I made it!." Maybe that's how some loved ones felt at the time. However, my mom and dad went through hell and back and it colored the rest of our relationship. I remember the way others who knew the story would look at me too even when I was an older child in elementary school. I didn't get it then, but they looked at me like they were seeing a ghost or an angel, like I didn't belong. Now I think I'm starting to grasp how the times in my life that I have no memory of have shaped my relationships with others.
There's just one thing that keeps nagging me. I keep thinking that I should somehow feel different now that I know the details. But I don't. I'm here now, so what does it matter that I struggled to stay? It doesn't change anything for me. I'm just glad I know now because I finally think I get my mom.
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It's good to find out things that you never knew about. You are lucky to be here. Just realize that you have some kind of purpose here on earth. And this is not a religious statement I am saying. Because I don't classify under a certain religion and I question alot of things. I also finally understand my mom...and how she was. I believe also as you get older you will also understand thinks more. Even though I am 20 I understand and learn new things each day. Good blog.
I am here to inform and help:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
Finding some 23 year old truths can really make your head spin. I actually just got off the phone with my mom and things are going good. I still think she's nuts, but so does she. :) Thanks for reminding me that I'm lucky to be here. I do feel that I have a specific purpose here and that is a religious statement for me. I hope it comes out in my entire blog by the end of the summer.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina