I am the oldest of seven children. All of them are either step siblings, half siblings or in Brenda's case - adopted (she's actually my cousin and my father took custody of her). So I was not one of those only children that got used to things being all my way or all about me (not that all only children have that situation - no offense intended) and than recieved a shock later in life. I lived, for the most part, with only one of those siblings though. That was my second to youngest sibling and the youngest of my two brothers... Joshuah.
With our "mother" being who she was and how she was, a bond between him and I became very strong and very necessary. With 8 years separating us, I partially raised him. I could only do so much because when she would realize that he was listening to me and behaving according to what I said she would have a fit. She had children so that she could have something to control and so that there was something that would have no choice but to rely on her. Here we were ruining her plan by relying on each other.
Early in his life he had a number of ear problems and doctors kept doing tubal operations in his ears which led to some delayed development. Partially because he had to be kept from getting sick (which meant away from sick children) and partially because she would overly baby him because she knew he would be her last child. When it came time to enter school though, she tried everything to convince his teachers that he had some type of problem or challenge and had him tested repeatedly. Nothing major showed up and so he entered school normally but she worked at things until his situation slowly started to deteriorate.
Little by little, whether by delayed genetics or by her influence, his behavior recieved him the diagnosis of ADHD and many other titles that he can now spout off as if he were reading a grocery list. She also babied him to the point where she was still cutting his nails for him, washing his hair for him, helping him brush his teeth, etc. way beyond the realm of normality and because she had never tried to teach him to do it on his own, it was just normal and he became stuck in this point of his life.
About 8 years ago she tried to slit her wrists again. This time, I had just recently turned 18 and had moved out. I was not there to protect him and the state took him. He has been in the state of Connecticut's care ever since. He wants to be in my care though and hopes to move out here to Indiana once he is able to choose where he lives. He'll always have to have supervision and need to be in an independant living environment but as much as I love him... a small selfish evil part of me is not sure I want to take that on. I just got a life of my own. I've been fighting for so many years and taking care of everyone else for so long that just now I am doing soemthing for me that I know with his arrival comes my return to that living for only him. I love him but I'm not sure I can do it again. If he comes I'll do it and not complain because I miss him and I love him but... He asked me once why I moved so far away when I left CT. How to tell a child that you love more than anything that you couldn't do it anymore?
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Is it realistic for your brother to live with you? Would you be able to get custody of him? I'm sure he knows that you love him and will always keep track of him. Maybe you guys could live together when the situation is more favorable for both of you. I guess it depends on how well he is doing now under the supervision of the state.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
That kind of is a tough decision. I kind of know what you mean. When I was growing up I basically raised my sister from age 3 to age 8. My mother was working all the time so unvoulntarily become the momma quite often. When I turned 18, I moved away from my mom and into my boyfriends apartment. 2 years later I get pregnant and have a baby. When I was watching my sister I felt trapped but when I had my baby I felt free. I guess I can say that you must make that decision for yourself. You are young and want to see the world, but your brother is in a state foster place. They don't treat those kids too good. A lot of them become dependent upon the system, and when they turn 18 and can leave, they don't know how to function right. No matter which decision you choose it will be for the best.
thanks for the supportive ear. It always helps knowing that someone does actually understand the feelings involved. He isn't in a foster home anymore. Due to his challenges and diagnosed "problems" he is in a home. Many of those who are there with him are there because their parents are unable to handle their particular situations on a 24/7 basis the way they need just like he needs. That is why I know that if he came to IN, my education would have to be put on hold for a semester. It won't be an issue for atleast 3 years minimum because he will not be eligible for release from state custidy until he is 21 because he will mentally "never be above the age of 12. We talk atleast once a week. Tonight is my night with him. I can't wait!
Things sound doable to me. I bet you'll make the right decision.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
Thank you for the vote of confidence. I could use someone else's confidence sometime... mine runs a little thin :)