Altogether now! Take off your pants... It's the spam dance!

I don't have a penis... but I can make it bigger!

Seriously!

Well, at least that's what all the spam in my inbox has told me recently. It's given me something of a complex. I mean, holy cow testicles, these people are talented! I've begun to feel inferior. Or is that superior since I can be one of the lucky few women that can grow her very own penis? That has to count for something right?

I have to admit though, I get some rather amusing spam. Quite aside from those magicians who can grow me a penis, I'm apparently the last survivor in my family and the bank wants to send me a few million, I've won the British lottery 60 times, my septic tank (and that's not code for digestive system) needs to be cleaned, and so does my digestive system (which is not code for septic tank). I'm the most impressive Christian that the late wife of at least 6 presidents of Nigeria has run across in a long time. Oh yeah, and did I mention that I'm a gay man who will just looooove the new rough riders pictures?

Yeah, someone forgot to fill me in on that one too. But, I don't sweat it. I mean, I can grow my own penis so why haggle over the little details of my unknown to me gayness? I'm bloody special.

And oh so very thankful that this crap only comes in email form. I could just imagine tearing into an envelope in front of the nurses only to have gay porn photos fall out in the floor. Or Goddess forbid, opening the door to a knock only to find Mandy, my long lost and completely naked cheerleader friend, waiting for me to watch her get herself off (LIVE!).

In email form, it's not so nightmarish. It comes with a delete button. But, it does make me wonder how the hell the spam empire works. I mean... at what point did signing up for a website for recipes translate into agreeing to allow them to sell your email address to the porn arm of their operation (I shudder to even put porn and recipe in the same sentence... it evokes rather disturbing images)? Couldn't they have at least sent me "you're fat, but we have a magic pill for that" spam? Why make the leap from five minute recipes to five minute live sessions with Mandy?!

On my less charitable days, I wish we had a national do not email registry. The phone thing seems to work around here pretty well. The only people that ever call trying to sell me something are the people whose service I already use (common sense is lacking, go figure). Of course, that idea would never work. Spammers have gotten too creative. They've set up entire colonies of little spam bots that work diligently to cover the world in their advertisements.

It's working pretty well too.

Not even ProgressiveU is safe! The little bastards show up here too, inviting us to check out porn with them, to go to a dating website... I'm beginning to think that they believe that if you spend time online you must be incredibly horny, incredibly lonely and incredibly eager to jerk off and relieve the horny loneliness.

They've gotten so bloody good at their jobs that not even the legislation we throw in front of them stops them. Our poor congress people spend all that time raising their hands to vote... and it's a fruitless attempt. The spam bots continue to rove around, red tape waving from their asses taunting their efforts and terrorizing us.

I think it's time we took it to Defcon 18 and blew the bastards to hell. We should probably start with Myspace. If we take out a few pervs who send us pictures of their wrinkly penises with our nukes, we'll just offer a post humus apology and carry on with our mission. I mean... in any good fight there are a few casualties right? Might as well make it count! Besides, if they survive, we can always find another company offering those magic penis growing pills (which reminds me, what the hell ever happened to the traditional Swedish penis pump? Is that old fashioned now?) for only $49.95 (which you can easily afford with the winnings from the British lottery) and they can regrow their missing appendages. Though... I've come to the conclusion that most of them are wrinkly from lack of use so they could probably live without the things anyway (which would also solve that pervs with penises problem the world is suffering from)

Next, we'll hit the Yahoo spammers and then MSN/Hotmail. After that who knows? We may be relatively safe... at least until the next massive organization comes around and makes it easy for the spammers to continue on their merry way (red tape waving, of course).

Ah well, at least they’re working diligently to defeat the terrors of the western world. Which makes me wonder… has bin Laden been near a computer in the last decade?

No need to blow us up… just spam us to death or insanity… you know, whichever comes first. And then take over the world. We probably wouldn’t care by then. Hell, if you made the spam stop, we’d probably hand you the keys and kiss your feet.

Right after we buy those magic penis pills, of course. 'Cause well, let's be honest... if it's give me spam or give me feet, I'll take the spam. Unless it comes in a can, it doesn't smell like moldy ass. And moldy ass smells, my friends, do not come with a delete button. You can get rid of naked cheerleader Mandy, but moldy ass in feet form is forever.

Two email accounts and four spam bots later, god created the delete forever button. Gotta love progress.