I am in complete and utter shock. Really, just flabbergasted.
Here I am, at home, watching some terrible movie from the 90s, trying not to give in to the urge to nap because I have a doctor's appointment that I'll sleep right through...
When the phone rings.
Usually when the home phone rings (I don't normally live at home, so it's hardly ever for me) I expect it to be either my mom calling from work or a telemarketer. I picked up the phone and said "Hello?" and after a short pause an obviously pre-recorded male voice cheerily said "Hello!" back. Now, this all sounds perfectly normal, doesn't it? Typical automated trying-to-sell-you-something phone call, right?
The voice continued.
"If you'd like to hear about a great new church in your area, press one!"
What. The. Eff. No, pre-recorded man! I would not like to hear about a great new church in my area. I would not like to hear about an okay new church in my area. I would not like to hear about a great old church in my area. I would not like to hear about ANY churches in my area, regardless of alleged quality or age, thank you very much. Why would someone think it was okay to call people like that? I mean, honestly, even if I were religious it wouldn't make any sense. If I were of another organized religion, I sure as hell wouldn't want to hear about a church, because I'd probably already be attending my temple/synagogue/mosque/whatever. And if I were to belong to any particular Christian sect (and believe me, we've got them all here--Baptists, Methodists, Lutherans, Catholics, Protestants, Episcopaleans, what-have-you), I'm fairly sure that I would be quite content with whatever church I was attending, if I went to church at all. So, the question begs to be asked...
How many people actually end up pressing one? Who actually would like to hear about a great new church in my area?
I can't even begin to fathom the inner workings of the mind of whoever thought this scheme up.
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lol. At least they gave you the chance to press one instead of just launching into it!
I answered the door one day and this teenage boy in a church shirt smiles really big and says, "Hi. Are you going to hell?" I just blinked at him for a minute and shut the door. Strangest greeting I've ever heard.
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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You should have said yes before you shut the door.
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
Better yet, you should have given him the Walrus and the Carpenter speech from Dogma.
b-money
"A cactus is the opposite of a chair. In my house you can sit anywhere but there."
Hello, I'm here today to try and help you find the word of our Lord, Fat Jesus, Nicholas Aden. Yes, I am indeed the one and only God. The Church of the Holy Chocolate Milk is currently accepting donations, payable in coffee beans only. Here at CHCM, we believe it is our duty to spread our beliefs to the world so that others may understand the salvation that they've been missing. We have a great heaven and an even cooler Hell. In heaven, you get to live with all of the Pastafarians with a Beer Volcanoe as well as a stripper factory. In Hell there is always a party raging and best of all - no police. Yes, you heard me. Think about the biggest frat party you've ever been to. Multiply that by the fact that you won't wake up with a hangover and the fact that we've got on Coppers in the area...yeah...one hell of a fucking hell. We love it.
So anyhow, if you're interested in the Church of the Holy Chocolate Milk, we'd love your donations. Please press 2.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
*presses 2*
this sounds like a religion i could legitimately get into!
--stacie
If you believe in the flying speghetti monster and myself, you get to go to Hell...it's great.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Sign me up.
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
Your decoder ring is en route.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Excellent.
Hmm. How do you know where I live?
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
Didn't I just say that I was God?
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Of course. I apologize oh great and mighty one. My mind is incapable of understanding your true power.
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
As Dr. Gonzo once put it "God should be omnimax." Unfortunately, he proved otherwise for the Christian God. I, on the other hand, am an asshole, and therefore capable of being Omnimax.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
I see how mighty you are. You have the power to combine the blasphemous DB and Dr. Gonzo into mone entity.
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
It's more of a right and left hand kind of deal, only they don't know it....
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Well, they will if they read this.
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
My secret's out...damn
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
That press 2 thing would double the take when we pass the plate.........With the right pitch. Need to modify the automatic calling machine.......
A fact is always better than an ideal
We'd rig it, of course, so that when they hung up, a $5 donation was added to their phone bill....
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
We go after $100 for our anti-telemarketing non-profit.
Naturally we pay all revenues to our lobbyists....Ourselves!
A fact is always better than an ideal
No no...you see, if you take a large amount, that's fraud. If you take a little amount, people don't notice and don't report it. Furthermore, we're going to have it charged as "big boobs, inc" so that if they do notice, they'll blame their husbands or sons.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
that's the side effect of being tight on cash
of course others might not be as thrifty and cheap as me
you keep every bill and receipt and know where all that change you have went
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
" "love em all,trust a few,and fear none"....thats wassup.one love. peace." mos def
Hence the charge as "Big Boobs, Inc" and not as CHCM
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
about how much to spend on food would not notice the Big Boobs, Inc?
Ah, you give me too little credit in my cheap ness
I find it very amusing that you chose Big Boobs, Inc. ah, it's the perverted half of you coming out or the natural instincts taking over
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
" "love em all,trust a few,and fear none"....thats wassup.one love. peace." mos def
Nope...it's because men charge porn to their phone bill all the time. if you want perverted, you'll have to wait. I actually plan on writing a post about pornography very soon.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
you miss out and misunderstand jokes...
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
" "love em all,trust a few,and fear none"....thats wassup.one love. peace." mos def
The big boobs billing is great! Maybe we could use something even more embarrassing.....
The $100 would be a donation. You take advantage of pissing them off with the call. Maybe even promise to put them on a 'do not call list' then sell our sucker list to others once we wring them dry.
We can even email all of the members of congress occasionally to substanciate our efforts on behalf of our supporters.
A fact is always better than an ideal
Gay Guy Cum Fest, Inc. How's that? I think that's pretty amazing.
I like selling the "do not call" list. That's brilliant! So is emailing congress to substantiate our claims to be a lobbying group...We need CHCM creation theory to be taught.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
i mean the one on the door step and as soon as you say You're Muslim, not only do they step back- they apologize
wahaha, i put the fear in people just by being Muslim
Yah man- i always wished i would have that kind of power, but sadly- now that i do, i don't want it
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
in an issue of MAD magazine, they had something along the lines of "fun ideas for latchkey children", so things like how to answer the door when you're home alone--
their suggestion for what to do if jehovah's witnesses or mormons show up is to open the door holding a knife and creepily say "oh good, you're just in time for the goat sacrifice!"
hehehe.
--stacie
And I wouldn't be lying if I said that. I'm sacrificing to my evil lord Satan (even though I don't think he exists.) Mwuahahahahaha!!!
"Every man makes a god of his own desire."
-Virgil
there are two EID's
one after Ramadan and then one that comes after a month and a half of Ramadan and this one is Eid al Adha (it should be celebrated for more than one day but muslims in western countries just take one day off)
just click to learn more from our friend wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eid_ul-Adha
PS i remember being a part of this in Pakistan and it's not pretty for the weak of the heart and if you're vegetarian- please don't click
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
Sometimes I wish Judaism struck that kind of fear. But no, all the Christians keep trying to "save" us. However, I can see why that kind of fear is not fun too.
b-money
"A cactus is the opposite of a chair. In my house you can sit anywhere but there."
If mormans come to your door, just say, "I'm sorry, I'm catholic. Can I tell you about the word of Jesus?" They will leave every time.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
ahahahaha. brilliant.
alas, now i live in the city in a walk-up, close to my campus, so we don't get too many wandering missionaries. hmmm maybe i should start walking around knocking on church doors and promoting my religion...or lack thereof.
--stacie
Hello, can I intrest you in the woderful world sans diety?
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Ok, but can you pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness at the same time? That'll scare the crap out of them!
b-money
"A cactus is the opposite of a chair. In my house you can sit anywhere but there."
Hmmm, I better start studying the New Testament then!
b-money
"A cactus is the opposite of a chair. In my house you can sit anywhere but there."
I've seen blogs written by self-proclaimed atheists informing fellows to listen to the message of Christians, to accept their materials, and then get on with life. It's supposed to improve the day of Christian evangelists everywhere, but it sounds too much like Jesus Camp to actually adhere to. (Jesus Camp, the movie where little kids were shown abortion statistics and then informed, "These could have been your friends!" )
I can't help but remember one day when I was chilling on the front step of my house, when an elderly yuppie comes marching up to me. He was trying to get me to attend some church event coming up, but after a few comments, I think he realized he was in over his head. I think informing him that there isn't even a Bible in our house tipped him off. Christians trying to spread their message to agnostics and atheists also puts me in mind of my grandmother, who refuses to acknowledge me as anything but a heathen.
Cheers from Union Jane
"I have only ever made one prayer a very short one: "God, make my enemies ridiculous." And God made it so." --Voltaire
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt