I've come to terms with the fact that Harmony Grove has turned me into a hippie. Now, I've always been liberal. Pretty damn liberal, if I do say so myself. But now?? All hope of being confused for a conservative is gone.
Let's see, since coming here, I've become a yoga-loving, nature-seeking, spiritually enlightened (at least compared to before), occasional showerer. Well, I take that back. I DO shower every day, but sometimes it's not till like 6. And until 6, I'm wearing the clothes I slept in. And the only type of hygiene ritual I've performed is brushing my teeth, because unbrushed teeth? Psh. Nasty.
That's the good thing about being here. You literally have NO ONE to impress. At all. First of all, we're all girls. Second of all, if you're here, you're probably fucked up--and I say this lovingly, of course. I never thought the day would come where not wearing make up was normal. But seriously, we have to be doing some serious shit for me to even CONSIDER wearing it now.
So I'm sitting in my new room, on my new bed. Yup, I've moved rooms, baby. We're getting two new people tomorrow, and while Nicola's and my room can fit four, they don't like clumping people together if it's not necessary. So Nicola's rooming with Amelia while I get my own room (WITH ITS OWN BATHROOM!!!) that Caroline and Kelby used to have. It's a really girly room, so I automatically love it. It's seriously the first bedroom I've had since moving from Wisconsin. Goddamn, how I've missed this luxury.
Last night I had a major fucking freakout. I have NO idea why either. All of a sudden, I thought "Fuck this. When I get out, things won't change." And I know that, had I not been here, last night I would have (as they say in recovery) "acted on my eating disordered behavior". I called my mom (note to self: when depressed, do NOT call your mom. This will only deepen the depression) and basically hung up on her. She called me back though, and asked if I wanted an extra session with my therapist. See, we get one individual session a week with our therapist that's included in the total price. We can get additional ones and an additional cost. So I said why yes, I would love one. But later I started thinking: Instead of calling to make sure I was okay, she calls to tell me she'll let someone ELSE handle my problems. Whatever. I'm sick of dealing with it. She's not going to change, and I can't make her.
Yesterday at the OA meeting, a girl who I noticed the week before who comes off as confident and happy and all that talked about how she just has been crying all the time lately. She's just so depressed and all she can do about it is cry. When she said that, I felt so relieved. It was during my anxiety attack, and I was like "Oh my God! Me too!" Whoever said crying doesn't solve anything is one dumb motherfucker. Yeah, it might not solve the ACTUAL problem, but it makes ME feel a hell of a lot better.
Speaking of feeling better, this morning I actually went through with it and ate pancakes. And you know what I put on the pancakes? PEANUT. BUTTER. Double whammy, baby! Take that, Ed. I hope you fucking choke on the nuts. It felt so good! And the fact that we had a challenge meal tonight makes me feel better too. Twice in a day! However, I might not feel so good after trying to put my jeans on. Which is why I'm avoiding it at all costs.
That's the thing. Lately, as I've been feeling better and better, I still have this fear of gaining weight. And I have to wonder, is it just a normal person fear? Even before Ed (if there ever was such a time) I would think "Eh, maybe I should lose weight." I think it's a normal thought to have, no matter how much you weigh. But I'm having such a hard time distinguishing my thoughts from Ed's now that I can't tell. Which is why, I hope hope hope hope, that I can just stick to a meal plan once getting out of here no matter what. I'll have my snacks at the certain times, even if I'm not hungry. But things like that convince me I'll get fat. I can tell my face is rounder. I'm not crazy; I've looked at older pictures and can tell. In a way, I like it. I looked kind of gross before. Like a skeleton with skin slabbed on it. Speaking of that, at the ANAD meeting I went to, there was this woman there who looked EXACTLY like that demonic girl Carrie from "Carrie". She was scary....and 48 YEARS OLD.
I swear to fucking God, I WILL NOT BE A 48 YEAR OLD ANOREXIC/BULIMIC. That is just unacceptable to me. I have to learn to fight this thing, because living this kind of misery for 30+ years does not give me any incentive whatsoever to get up in the morning.
We went for a hike today at this state park. It was AMAZING. It was where I had the hippie ephiphany. We were on these cliffs where you could see the ocean and it was just amazing. There was even some tree climbing involved in this little adventure, and we ate snack on the beach. That's what I love about this place: you can be in your thoughts if you want, you don't have to constantly talk or pretend you're happy and no one will bother you. They're available if you need them, but they won't be pissed if you're having a bad day. It takes a lot of the pressure to please off. I'm a people pleaser. Always have been, and probably always will be. But for now, I can just be.
Two weeks. I can't believe tomorrow will be two full weeks since I've been here. In a way, I feel EXACTLY the same. Kind of like the whole virginity issue. You're convinced it will change your life once you lose it, but when it's over with, you're like "Hmm. Don't feel any different." But at the same time, I'm like "Damn!! I've unearthed some crazy shit! I've met some amazing people! I'm a totally different person!" It's hard to tell. I'm just excited for the next two weeks. Hopefully I'll feel even stronger and better then.
Almost half way there.
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