College and Cerebral Palsy

I share your fears and anxieties because I too have Cerebral Palsy. Maybe my comment will help you write a more profound blog or essay that will give you the funding you need. Anyway, don't give up.
What I Have Learned From Class:
During the first half of the semester, the concepts that stood out for me when taking a class on Juvenile Delinquency were Freud’s “death drive” theory and the traumatic attachment theory. Basically, what intrigued me about the death drive theory (Freud’s attempt to explain how we subconsciously act out all our discontentment with civilization by doing destruction to our own bodies, and sabotaging our own success as a way to get back at a system that we created) is that it seemed to explain the overwhelming feeling I sometimes gets of being a prisoner of my society and of my own body due to the physical challenges of my Cerebral Palsy.
Not only did I apply it to myself, however, I also made the mental connection that our death drive is the reason for all the anomie resulting from the alienation of individuals within the capitalistic system. Juvenile delinquency is a symptom of being misunderstood which young have suffered for generations. Subconsciously, their brainwashed ego is fighting against the drives of the Id that create conflict. The conflict is brought on by the contradictions of the aggressive and chaotic human tendencies vs. the scientific structural functions of the human institutions.
It can therefore be argued that such societal contradictions generate violence. Specifically, they generate domestic violence, which is a factor many juvenile delinquents grow up around and are affected by within all levels of our patriarchal society. Violence comes from suppressing the impulsive freedom-seeking youth, making them feel like misfits against the conforming socialization. One is expected to follow and permit or encourage the unnatural constraints created by the status quo. As a Marxist supporter, I believe these constraints are created by the oligarchies of bourgeoisie who need laws to keep them in control of the means of production and power.
Being that such constraints are to a lesser or greater degree placed on men as well as women, I wonder: Do men waste their money on booze and drugs because they are insecure creatures who feel that masochistically supporting their “manly” addictions will prove their manhood more than sharing in the parenting of their children? Are they so insecure/ preoccupied with maintaining their superiority over women because they can’t handle the responsibility of being good husbands? Also, I wonder if they feel inadequate as if they’re trapped into “the system” due to the fact that marriage is a fundamental part of their society.
Though these loaded questions/criticisms in no way apply to all men, it generally describes what I’ve observed in my own father. Probably, the fact that my grandparents only sent my father (the problem child of four siblings) to live with relatives at the age of seven, is the reason his “death drive” made him turn around and hurt the ones he loves. I theorize that my father most likely felt abandoned and unloved by his family as a child which is why he was also a juvenile delinquent. Later on, the instability that my inevitably misunderstood drug-addicted alcoholic father brought to my family probably also influenced my own delinquency.
The comments that were made in class relating to traumatic attachment also struck a chord with me, because they helped me come to the discovery that I am traumatically attached to my mother due to how much we suffered together when she was trying to escape from spousal abuse and abruptly ripped me away from my family in Mexico by moving to St. Louis twelve years ago. It clicked when Dr. McCarthy described how women who are in unhappy relationships tend to stay when they feel that they and their partner “have been through so much together.”
As a result, anytime I make an effort to be a truly independent adult, thoughts of my struggling mother feeling abandoned brings me a deep sense of guilt (Super Ego). This motivates all my actions and suppresses the feeling of choice to stay in school because I am governed more by fear of betraying my mom’s desire for me to be a productive member of society and avoid being drawn into the willful escapism that was a defense mechanism for my rebellious father. Even so, my Id is screaming to take control and make me withdraw myself (Ego) from the system even though I’ve developed a learned helplessness against doing so.
Not surprisingly, I’ve grown to have a very cynical attitude towards institutional laws and regulations because they assume a level of objectivity in keeping order and justice which is present on a superficial level. The strict adherence to rules is impossible because they often ignore the unpredictable human element within the functions of a system. I attribute such institutional systems of governing to be the cause for the victimization of my free will, due to the mob mentality they actually encourage. I’m further dismayed that under capitalism, this mob mentality has taken the form of worshipping “individuality” through the variety of material goods one can choose to buy as a part of consumerism making the corporate bourgeoisie the rulers of the masses. Furthermore, I deem my bad luck from the bad choices of my parents and the energy consumed by my anxiety and Cerebral Palsy since birth, to be a constant source of frustration that causes me to want to criticize the imperfections of the world and me, thus resulting in my chronic depression and low self-esteem (characteristics I probably share with many juvenile delinquents).
In addition, knowing that nobody is perfect or unaffected by suffering and evil leaves me with little faith in the idea of a “God” who will comfort or protect me, which in a way, also explains my deep mistrust of authority and resistance to ask for help (unless it’s for the sake of others). As a result, I have struggled to self-actualize or reach my full potential as a successful member of society. I fear becoming an authority figure. In an attempt to achieve self-preservation, I sabotage my progress for independence and empowerment as a way to avoid the spiritual corruption that accompanies the selfish ambition, stress, responsibility and controlling nature one develops to survive the greedy rat race of being an adult. Fortunately, the existential notion of “just being” motivates me to get up each morning, but I have lost my sense of purpose since I’m no longer a child, and refuse to grow up.
New Skills I Have Developed:
I have gained the skill of being able to relate to all juvenile delinquents by reflecting on my own inner turmoil as a youth. I’ve learned the importance of speaking up. I think it’s an important skill to be able to express my needs, concerns and convictions and make then understood to others. I’ve also further developed my listening skills during class discussions because I make an effort to hear people out even when I don’t agree with them; keeping in mind that I am biased to interpret what is said according to my past experiences and frames of reference.

What I Have Done to Facilitate My Skills:
One thing I’ve done to facilitate my skills, in addition to doing the reading assignments, is to watch Law and Order and other similar type T.V. shows more critically by picking up on the terminology used and questioning certain aspects such as whether or not it is appropriate to label a child as a sociopath. I learned that it is only appropriate to label an adult that. However, I feel that parents and teachers should be made keenly aware of children with severe antisocial behavior disorders once they are diagnosed in order to learn more about how to treat them.
Another way I’ve facilitated my skills was by renting the movie, White Oleander (2002) to better understand some of the intricacies of the foster care system that often leads children to become delinquents. Also, when I wrote my essay on Freud’s Civilization and Its Discontents, I made an effort to improve my analytical writing skills by seeking guidance from the experts at the Writing Center on campus.
What I Need to Do to Maximize My Overall Human Potential:
Something that might maximize my overall human potential is to become more disciplined or focused when reading scholarly texts. One way I could do this is by using the KURZWILE 3000 software that is accessible to me through the Academic Resource Center. Also, I would like to try and really survive in the world without my mother. I fear that I’ll only get the courage, mind-set, and internal motivation to do so when she’s gone from my life. In the meantime, I will keep on taking “happy pills,” seeing a psychiatrist, eating well, and try to overcome the loneliness that distracts me from my studies by exercising instead of watching T.V.

I know that you can do it! I have faith in you and I am here for you. If you need me I am here for you.
love ya,
Deanne

I know that you can do it! I have faith in you and I am here for you. If you need me I am here for you.
love ya,
Deanne

You are perfectly ready for college, I'm sure. Keep it up. I have CP too and where I can help I certainly will. I graduated from college and will start graduate school next year. I'm always willing to support other people with disabilities. Hang in there!