I was bored and more than a little worn out. Keeping up with two happy little toddlers all day long and then bombing an algebra quiz can do that to a person. And so, I set hubby to help me find Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. We bought it ages ago and I knew it had to be around here somewhere. We looked everywhere and the movie never did show up. Either Kaia has it somewhere or someone borrowed it and failed to inform me. But, oh well. American History X was coming on FX, so my husband and I reluctantly settled onto the bed to watch the movie.
I'm not sure why we decided to watch it; the single sentence in the guide didn't sound all that interesting. I suppose there was just nothing else on. At any rate, within minutes we were watching the movie in complete silence; utterly amazed at how much hate and anger the characters were carrying around.
I've heard of it, but I've never really seen it before. To me, hate's always just been that useless emotion that doesn't really ever solve anything but that you can't always change. I knew what it was, but I've never really experienced it. And so, I've never been able to really understand it. I've had people I have loathed, but never to a degree in which I could wish for their lives to end or wish to end their lives myself. In truth, in my 24 years, I've only ever had 2 people on that list of loathed morons and as much as I don't like and even fear them, it's never been to such a degree where I wanted them dead.
The movie reaffirmed the belief that hate is a useless emotion. All it really serves to do is piss you off. You can make the hated suffer, sure... but you suffer too, whether you admit it or not. Hating takes a lot more energy than moving on and letting go.
But more than that, the movie gave me a chance to see things from the eyes of a child again and remember that sometimes the best lessons you learn are the ones you learn first. Kaia woke up from his nap about halfway through the movie and asked prettily for me to make him some toast and feed it to him. I agreed to do so and headed to the kitchen, flipping on the television in the living room so I could hear the movie while I toasted his bread and slathered on the jelly. I then headed to the living room to feed him his toast and watch the movie.
I settled down on the couch and Kaia climbed into my lap. He's not allowed (so he says) to rest his leg on my left knee and I'm not allowed to put my hand on my knee because I bruised it in a fall a few days ago so he makes sure he misses my knee and makes himself comfortable on my lap. Being ever solicitous, he tells me that his knees don't hurt so I can put my hand on them so mine will feel better. I thank him with a kiss on the cheek, rest my hand on his little knees and give him a bite of toast. His attention quickly turns to the movie that's playing on the television. He looks over at me and says the same sentence he says at least 10 times a day.
"Tell me about this."
"Well," I say and then I stop. How do you explain to a three year old what such a movie is about? Here I am at 24, stunned at the movie because not even I can really understand what leads someone down such a path and I now have to break it down for a three year old.
I thought about it long and hard before I answered. I finally told him about Derek killing the two men because they tried to take his car and it made him angry and he didn't like them because he thought they were different than he was.
It was thin at best, even to me. It gave the basics, but didn't really express those things that the movie never says outright but are there nonetheless. So, I tell him that because Derek killed the two men he had to go away from his family for a long time and they couldn't see him. Still not a good job explaining.
He thought about it a moment and then nodded. "Okay," he said and turned back to the movie.
The little brother was on the screen then. He watched for another few minutes and then in between bites of toast, he asked me to tell him about the brother. Again, I didn't know what to say. How do you describe such a movie and everything going on in terms that a three year old will understand?
The truth is, you don't.
Nothing I could have said would have made him understand what was happening in the movie or what it all meant. I tried anyway and we came away with something along the lines of....
That boy is the mad man's brother and he wants to be just like his big brother, kind of like Alo likes to do the things that you do. So, he gets mad at people and calls them names and is mean to them because his brother is. And neither of them are very happy. They just don't know it yet.
"Oh," he says and then takes another bite of toast. "Bubby wants to be happy?" He asks me.
I smile at him and nod; not really sure that he knows what I'm talking about. I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about. We have these serious conversations about things daily and I'm never really sure he understands. I just keep trying because that's what you do. Even when you don't know if they're listening, you talk and hope that somewhere in the future, your words begin to make a little sense and they understand the message you tried to impart.
"I'll be good then," he promises me.
I thank him and he asks for juice. I give him his sippy cup and before he ever takes a drink he turns back to me and says, "They not dipp'rent."
"What do you mean?"
"They have eyes too, don't they, Nanny?"
Yes, they have eyes too. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that one when he looks at me once again and says something I will never forget.
"I won't kill people, Nanny. It will make brother sad and he won't smile no more. And we like it when bubby smiles."
Wow. That's not really the message I was trying to impart, but I think it works just as well for now. Kaia is only three. He's never experienced hate and has never been told that people are any different. He, like most kids, grasps those things that are obvious to him. To him that means people aren't different, they all have eyes.
He doesn't understand prison. He doesn't understand racism. He couldn't even tell you what the word hate means. But, he does understand that people are people and he knows what it means to be a brother and to want what's best for your brother.
He's always adored Alo. When Alo is in the hospital, Kaia is sad. When Alo cries, Kaia tries to comfort him. And when Alo is happy or discovers something new, both of the boys are right there together. Kaia's eyes light up when his brother smiles or laughs at him or shares toys with him. He can tell you about every piece of equipment his brother has and what they all do. He knows how to feed his brother, how to hold his brother's hands when we change his trach or his legs when we cath him. He knows how to croon to his brother so he forgets that he's mad at us and let's us finish what we're doing. And somewhere in that little toddler mind, our conversation translated to not hurting other people because he didn't want to hurt his brother.
That's something most people forget. They rape and kill and never really care that what they do changes more than just the lives of those that were there. It changes everyone around you. Everyone close feels it. Everyone close must live it. Kaia grasped with ease what those four and five times his age never really understand. When you live, you never really live alone. And he accepted it when so many others simply pretend it doesn't exist.
We may have to remind him of that lesson as he grows and experiences life. And we will inevitably add other lessons on to those. And one day, he will be able to understand the movie in less simplistic terms. But for now, he's gotten to what he sees as the heart of the matter. And he reminded me along the way that it doesn't really matter if they understand what you're trying to say or not. You just keep trying because somewhere in those words you speak, something will click, something will remain and somehow, it will make sense in a way they can understand.
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry (or maybe both at the same time).
"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible."
These stories are always so sweet. You can learn a lot from a three year old, can't you?
My youngest brother is five, and i have learned an amazing amount from him. He may not fully grasp the concept of death, but when our cat got hit by a car he was fairly certain that they would play together again when he dies too.
It's also amazing what they do grasp--one day, watching nickelodeon with our teenage siblings, a commercial for the show starring the Spears girl came on, an advert for the series finale. He turns to me with wide eyes and says 'Hey Keri. I know why Zoey is gonna be over. You know the girl? the girl who plays her on tv has a baby in her belly.'
I mean, it doesn't seem like rocket science, but it is sometimes difficult to convince a small child that the people on television are 'pretending' and actually are different people with different lives. The fact that he could differentiate between the character and the actress absolutely astounded me.
Being away at school, watching him grow up is what i miss the most about being at home.
Hug a musician, they never get to dance.
American History X is such an incredible movie... I can't recall the last time I saw a film that had that kind of an effect on me. Isn't it amazing the wisdom that comes from the mouths of babes? Good luck muddling through the questions that film brings up... and the questions Kaia brings up as well.
I Cried, i laughed, i sneezed, i did alittle dance. Was a sweet post.
Glutenously yours,
Pasta Rasta
It's sad to me to think that one day Kaia will know about all the evil. He will know hate and racism. He may even experience them. It is beautiful that there is a time when these terrible realities are not a part of reality at all.
It's important to remember those times and to learn from those who are ignorant of our reality.
Ignorance actually may be bliss.
I find it amazing when I discover a story or experience like this. It touches me beyond the mind, straight into the soul. Its those like your son who allow me to realize the wonder of it all. The least likely individuals can amaze us.
I was watching abc world news tonight yesterday and there was a story of an autistic girl. She is 13 and is incapable of speaking. Yet one day her parents allowed her on a computer and she was able to "speak" to them through words. It was incredible. She could spell, she had thoughts not unlike a girl around her age, and for the first time her parents were seeing the real her. A normal girl with the unfortune of having an uncooporative body. She even asked her father through the computer if she could date! My God it was splendid. I felt like emotion was ready to pour from me like a waterfall.
I pray your son can maintain that level head. Heaven knows we can use every enlightened person given.
Kaia is her nephew, not her son. Just for the record.
~C
Check out the latest entry in the Between The Lines column!
Want the highest rated list to change? RATE those blogs, then!
Your post is truley touching, it's amazing how the young are so pure of heart.
I'm surprised you let a three year old watch American History X, though. He may hot have understood what was going on for most of the movie, but many of the images are so graphic and terrifying, especially for such a young child. I sincerely hope that Kaia had fallen back to sleep before the last scene of the movie.
He'd run off before the end of the movie to play with his brother, so he missed that scene.
-----
~Fallon~
“What is insanity, anyway? Is it when you scream and everyone else whispers, or is it when you fight for what's right, even when everyone else thinks your wrong?” Ethergoth
-----
Sometimes children have the simplest ways of explaining things to make us all understand...
I am so impressed by your nephew's views of life. The younger you are, the more wholesome and pure you are, by far. You haven't been subjected to the evils the exist in the world.
I've seen American History X and wow, I think that Kaia's statement, "They have eyes too" is perfect in summarizing one of the many messages the movie conveys.
Hate gets us nowhere. And the worst part is that hate has been growing and is perpetuated amongst youth, the future, by their older siblings who get it from their parents. Hate is such a terrible thing, but there are so many people that think their lives are better for making enemies instead of friends. I see kids in kindergarden that discriminate, not just against race, and form cliques because that is what they see their role models do.
Then other kids are labelled in a negative light and, BOOM, a self-fulfilling prophesy is born.
I hope that when I have kids, I am able to raise my kids to be like Kaia. After all, we can only do so much before they are on their own and make decisions for themselves. The best we can do is to prepare them.
I love little ones. Sometimes I wish that we could all understand things the way that they do. I suppose that the world might not work properly if that were the case, but I often think it would be better if it were. Like if we all thought like Kaia, I definitely think it would be a better place.
I am getting married in five months and plan on having children shortly after that. It is hard to know and understand the kind of world we are bringing children into. It definitley helps to hear the innocent remarks of a child who doesn't understand hate, unaffected by racial differences, and eager to have a simple solution. Thats the kind of hope you have to know you can raise a child above the influences of hate, rage, and any other agressive attitudes. They are born without those ideaologies, and as long as we can be good parents and avoid instilling any of those beliefs in them, with any luck we will raise them to be genuinely good adults.
If only teaching a child was that simple. It's nearly euphoric when they're small and they seem to understand teh world. The scary part is when they realize that not everyone wants things to be simple. It's a daily tregedy.
What a great contribution. I don't know how many times I have thought to myself that some of our children are so much more mature than some of our adults. This is proof.