I just got back from Pumpkin picking with my two little ones and a very dear friend.
We had a lovely lunch in a sweet café, even though I told her that I was scared to bring my kids to such a nice place and we really should consider Friendlies instead, she insisted, childless and naive, that it would be fine and true to the laws of nature, I said it would be a disaster and my kids did the opposite and behaved perfectly! I can’t believe we got away with it!
Then we went to a real farm where the pumpkins are still on the vines. A perfect fall day, slightly overcast with a view of the fields and mountains awash with color. We trudged through the fields, over mounds, tripping over vines, stopping to check out sunflowers and different weeds, in search of the perfect pumpkin. Laughing at my young one who was consistently shocked and amazed every time he came across another broken rotten pumpkin, “Look! Nother one boken one!!..and nother one here!!” Then hiking back to the car with our orange treasures in tow.
Once we loaded up from one field, Yella and I sat on the open hatch back of my car and finished our coffee while my monsters ran back and forth to the apple trees picking and eating endless apples. They were amusing. They were cute. They were having a wonderful time. I know these are the days that childhood memories are made of.
All and all a very perfect and lovely fall day.
This is why I hate adoption.
There will be no memories of perfect pumpkin days with my oldest son. Yes, I am sure his parents are great and he has the proper days in his past, and if I am lucky, maybe someday I will get to see the pictures, but never will I feel his cold cheeks against mine after a day in the field. Never will I brush the dirt off his tiny hinee after he loses his footing over a “punkin too big”. Never will I be presented with the gift of a half chewed apple and truly be touched. These moments belong to someone else and my chances of being part are gone, gone, gone.
17 trips to the pumpkin patch
17 handmade Halloween costumes
17 over exited Christmas Eves
17 crack of dawn groggy Christmas mornings
17 Easter egg hunts
17 handmade mothers day gifts
17 birthday parties
17 times to teach to heirloom stuffing recipe for Thanksgiving
6205 kisses good night
678 boo-boos kissed
2,160 bed time stories
2,340 tickle fights
85 trips to the doctor
18,367 hugs
408 nights of interrupted sleep
68 pairs of shoes
12 back to school shopping trips and 12 first days of school
48 celebratory good report card dinners
468 instances of monsters under the bed
555,165 times to say “stop teasing your brother!” *
Did I know what I would really be missing? No, I didn’t then. But as I watched my children playing in the fields today something inside me hurt. I know what I am missing now. You just don’t know what motherhood is like until you live it and by the time I figured it out, I had already given up my first chance.
18, 615 smiles for me……..gone.
This is great to let others know, but is it adoption you hate? Adoption gives kids who are given up a chance to have some sort of family, even if the system is currently a mess.
Seriously. If you can't financially support a child, and you can't emotionally bear abortion or adoption, then what are you doing having sex? This is just another point as to why people should consider their individual contributions to social responsibility and welfare before they run around having sex. There are consequences to your actions, and this woman's sad story, the consequences to her actions, sadness she has experienced, the guilt she feels, and the pain she went through is part of the consequence of having sex before you are prepared and capable of dealing with it.
To the original poster: I'm sorry you experienced this. But do not discourage others from considering adoption if their child could have a better life with another family, and they are incapable of caring for them. Free money and financial charity doesn't resolve everyone's problems. Personal responsibility does. There is a better way then offering everybody life on a silver platter.
So since you seem to find it necessary to comment and put down everything I post, can we get one thing straight?
"this woman's sad story, the consequences to her actions, sadness she has experienced, the guilt she feels, and the pain she went through "?
THIS woman is me.
I am not some 20 year old college junior who isidealitically dreaming about how I think things should be... My son, who was adopted, is the 20 year old now. So we are not taking about "this woman" ..this is me writing from my 21 years of life experince with adoption....
And i WILL discourage any other woman from having to live this life of loss without my child. I will educate others as to the reality of what it is like as opposed to enabling others to believe in media hype and propaganda. I WAS capable of caring for my son then just as i am now...
and all i can say is god help you if your condom breaks...
FauxClaud
aka Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
OriginsUSA...Musings of the Lame..FixAdoption
I was speaking to the other users.
And then I was speaking to you.
Btw... my personal sexual life, or lack thereof, either way... is none of your business. You know why? Because I have prior to this comment chosen not to air my dirty laundry here, on the internet version of public, for everyone to see. But since you asked...
I am 22 years old. I was raped when I was 15. I had an abusive relationship with a man when I was 18. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 18. My mother was diagnosed with a stage IV malignant brain tumor when I was 20. I had to drop out of college for a time to help out at home. Me, the girl who graduated from high school early to pursue my dreams of becoming an engineer, left college. I live in a world that you could never imagine. Age means nothing.
I could rant and rage about how life served me a crappy dish, and go onto websites trying to force other people to see my way or the highway. But I don't. I lived and learned, moved on with my life... and now I choose to use my experiences to serve and help others. I volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter and I participate in V-Day. I donate to the American Cancer Society, and do Relay for Life every year. But I don't go and tell everybody else how they should stay inside and hide from the world. I tell them to be responsible, and protect themselves. To stop expecting others to support them, and be self-reliant. You cannot depend on others. I am who I am, and I refuse to hide from it or be ashamed.
*** Adoption helps people. Closed records protects some people. I support adoption, and I support a compromise between closed records and open records. There is a reason for everything. It's not always sinister. Skewing the facts, and playing on people's emotions means nothing. It just makes you a manipulative bitch.
***Some content has been edited. Fanaile Essence, November 5, 2007.
Think about it positively...
Yes, you are missing out on those things, but you gave a mother the chance to experience those things and your oldest son a chance at a life that you probably weren't ready to give him at the time.
EDIT: I was congratulating you on your strength, but after reading your comment, I am extremely upset.
How can you discourage adoption? Sure, you regret it, but that doesn't mean there aren't hundreds, thousands of women out there who are not ready to take care of a child: in most of those cases, the child will have a much better life with a family who is willing to take care of him.
----
http://progressiveu.org/143541-how-to-survive-the-2008-elections
"How can you discourage adoption? Sure, you regret it, but that doesn't mean there aren't hundreds, thousands of women out there who are not ready to take care of a child: in most of those cases, the child will have a much better life with a family who is willing to take care of him."
OK, commenters, here's a news flash from one of those women who was supposed to have provided a "much better life" because I was "willing to take care" of my children.
Both of my children had mothers who wanted to take care of them. You know what prevented them from doing so? Money. Cultural stigma. Familial pressure. Gender discrimination. They came to their decisions to adopt because they had nowhere else to go. Blessedly, in their country (Korea) things are at last changing, and more and more women will be able to parent the children they bear in spite of a lack of husband.
The "you shouldn't have had sex if you weren't prepared for the consequences" argument falls flat on it's face in light of the dollars (meager though they may be) our society is willing to provide in assistance to families. There are many, many single-parent families - whose mothers or fathers were never married, or who were divorced or widowed - with more children than they can easily care for with the money they earn - two-parent families as well. To single out women on the basis of marital status and a judgment of promiscuity, and woo them into surrendering their children with the promise of redemption, is an affront to human rights.
This issue isn't just about women, by the way. The children women surrender to adoption grow up, many in states with outdated laws that keep them from their own identities. Think this is easy? Go and read the writings of adoptees who struggle with this their entire lives.
Finally, to demand that women and their children be treated justly doesn't equate to being anti-adoption. It equates to being pro-ethical-adoption. It infuriates and frustrates me that the mainstream views any effort to preserve a family made up of single mother and child (particularly if they're white) with being anti-adoption. If that ain't judgmental I don't know what is.
Claud, terrific post as always.
Margie
Third Mom
Viewing adoption as just punishment for transgressing standards of responsible sexual behavior IS judgmental. And if you believe that it is appropriate punishment for "sexual irresponsibility," then you also must believe that its appropriate to take the children of any family in need of public assistance and send them to families that can give them "a better life" (your words). After all, shouldn't every single family on the planet know before they have children what lies in their future?
And of course, as an adoptive parent, I've been blessed with the ability to see into the future, and I can absolutely guarantee that my family will never face a single financial or health challenge. I know I'll die long after my kids are settled in lucrative careers; my husband will, too. We actually don't have homeowners insurance, because we know that our adoptive house is immune from fire, flood and termites. It's been really cool, too, because I draw a large paycheck but never have to work. After all, I have papers that prove I'm fit to parent, and can provide my children a "better life" than they could have had with their first families. There has never been a single adoptive parent divorce, no cases of adoptive parent child abuse, and every adoptive family is rich. We adoptive parents are special that way. Yes, the best thing in the world for every poor family is for one of us to wander by. Just hand us your kids, and life will be better all around.
Your words are spoken like someone woefully misinformed about adoption - not too socially responsible to perpetuate misinformation in my book, but perhaps you operate from a different definition of "social responsibility" than I do.
And I am sorry, Claud, for hijacking your blog, but this one just stepped on my last nerve.
Margie
Third Mom
Teaching young women responsible sexual behavior and encouraging it is a no brainer. But as you yourself described in one of your comments, life throws a lot of crap at people. Stuff happens. Women get pregnant.
You appear to find this situation immoral enough to recommend punishing both woman and child with separation. Apart from the fact that I flat out disagree with any punitive practice of adoption, I also wonder this: why have you made no mention of the man who is equally responsible for the child? How did he buy his exemption from "social responsibility?"
You may not be aware that unethical adoption agencies counsel women not to disclose their pregnancies and decisions to adopt to their children's fathers. This makes it easier for the agency to control the adoption process, makes it easier to push women toward adoption, and nets more dollars for the agency. Yet when provided with counseling, women can and do choose to parent - sometimes by supporting themselves, sometimes with support from the child's father or from their families and yes, sometimes with support from public assistance. But there is no one-to-one ratio; a child adopted does not equal a child off public assistance, nor does a child parented by a single mother equal a child on the welfare roll.
Also, an idea for you. Since it seems your definition of "social responsibility" revolves around dollars, why not go for the big bucks - almost half of every tax dollar - and find some pro-defense-spending site to preach to? With public assistance costing less than a dime of that dollar, and single mothers just a portion of that, adoption should be chump change in your book.
If a child can find a home where they can be cared for without public assistance; they belong in that home.
I have previously suggested a program where children are removed and placed in foster care for an appropriate time (say, 6 months) to allow parents an opportunity to get back on their feet and prove their ability to financially support a child, through non-financial assistance and employment placement programs. I'm interested in your opinion; do you think this sort of program would work; if yes/no, why or why not?
We have a program like that here in my city. In fact, I just had to do a report on them for an assignment in my accounting class (I had to write about the accounting ethics and administrative accounting practices ofa non-profit organization - don't ask why that's a required class for a history major... LOL)
Anyway, it's a great program and has helped several families over the past twenty years stay together through rough times. I for one totally support the implementation of such a program in every area.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence,
A-Team Member
You write so beautifully and really let people like me who have no clue about adoption from your end of the triangle peek in a little at how devastating your loss is. I cannot even fathom the depths of the sorrow over losing a child. You paint a lovely picture of a perfect day and then shift to the days that never were for you. You can certainly write. Thank you.
Maggie
engkatiemarie, I can think of nothing worse for a child than incessant disruptions to "allow their families to get on their feet." Great, let's take one problem (a family facing poverty or financial difficulties) and create another (a broken family with kids with emotional problems). And with over 500,000 children in foster care today, it would be an equally great idea to strain the foster care system some more.
I take it from this idea that big brother would be watching to make sure all those deadbeat families don't drop the ball. And how great for kids, too - think of how much better everyone would behave once they knew little Johnny down the street was taken away after his parents missed a car payment. And I bet the states and counties would THRILLED to have to administer this one.
Please, do some deep and hard studying of the broken foster care in this country before you suggest that it's good for kids to take them away from their families. There is an excellent book out called Outsiders Within about intercountry and transracial adoption. One section focuses on the interplay between welfare and adoption in transracial adoption practice. I highly recommend you read it.
One interruption. One chance; one opportunity to prove you are worthy and capable of caring for your child. 6 months in the foster system as a baby. That's it. That's all you get to prove yourself.
Then the child can go to a good home, one that has proven financial capabilities through the adoption system.
Removing a child from a poor home, where that child cannot be cared for: I cannot think of anything more worthwhile. Putting that child in a home where they have an opportunity to thrive and have a chance to go to college, become a productive member of society and not be subjected to government dependence. Damn, we should all be so lucky.
As for intercountry and transracial adoption; I read a fabulous article posted by Claude here recently. It only solidified in my mind how many children in the US are available for adoption and how intercountry adoption should be limited.
Don't play on emotions and limit people's possibilities because you think it's better for them and their "parents" to become dependent on public welfare.
We have a program just like this in my city - and it works wonders. In the long run, it keeps families together; they offer counseling and classes for parents, coping classes for parents and children, and a safe place for the children to stay when their parents are reaching the point that they cannot care for them.
They also offer permanent placement for those families who cannot get back on their feet, and work with our educational system (and other child-care providers) to certify babysitters and teach people how to spot the signs of abuse (which tend to come about in families facing financial strains - even if there were no previous incidents).
And it's free for all parents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence,
A-Team Member
"I lived and learned, moved on with my life... and now I choose to use my experiences to serve and help others."
Engkatiemarie, that is exactly what Claud is doing by talking about her experiences and advocating for adoption reform.
"If a child can find a home where they can be cared for without public assistance; they belong in that home."
Do you know that adoptive parents get a tax credit for adopting? That's right, they get back $10,000 that would otherwise belong to the government just for adopting a child.
Do you know that adoptive parents can (and many do) receive WIC and Medical Assistance benefits for a time for the infants they adopt? (And that with children adopted through the state, that the Medical Assistance follows them until they are 18, and that some of them get state subsidies, too?)
Do you know that there are adoptive parents who adopt while THEY THEMSELVES are receiving government, tax-funded services?
Finally, do you know that in the cases of most voluntarily relinquishing moms, they'd actually be able to raise their children without government help or with only a VERY short time period of government help?
"I have previously suggested a program where children are removed and placed in foster care for an appropriate time (say, 6 months) to allow parents an opportunity to get back on their feet and prove their ability to financially support a child, through non-financial assistance and employment placement programs."
Why on earth would you separate the mom and child? If the child isn't going to be placed for adoption immediately, why not keep mom and child together while mom attempts to "get on her feet" (which most women WOULD achieve, because most women aren't really "off their feet" by much when they relinquish, anyway)?
This idea of separating mom and child ignores all the research about bonding and attachment. I mean, from a scientific standpoint, this is a seriously bad idea.
Also, you're assuming that these women who relinquish are not employed. MOST of us are employed when we relinquish.
I think, honestly, you are probably jumbling up different kinds of adoption in your mind. There is a huge difference between domestic infant adoption, in which a mom voluntarily relinquishes her rights to a newborn, and adoption from foster care, in which a mom's rights are terminated involuntarily due to abuse, neglect, or failure to provide for her children.
The women who voluntarily relinquish newborns by and large are women who don't actually NEED to. Whereas the women who have their rights terminated involuntarily are the women who should have been relinquishing their children at birth... but those women, in 99% of cases, never consider it.
So here is the thing: THE WRONG WOMEN ARE RELINQUISHING THEIR CHILDREN.
No one here is advocating that all adoption should be wiped out. Sadly, some biological parents will not take care of their children, or will abuse and neglect them. That is just a given. Those children will always need new homes.
The only thing anyone here is saying, is this: women who DON'T need to relinquish, shouldn't.
When I relinquished my daughter, I was 22 years old, entering my senior year of college with a 3.8 GPA, engaged, and employed. Two years later, when I had my second child, I was living in the same house, making approximately the same income, with the same man... and I parented--and did it WELL, and without public assistance. TWO YEARS later. What had changed in that time, that allowed me to parent, when I couldn't before?
The answer to that question is: nothing. Not a damn thing of any consequence had changed. The truth is I WAS able to parent when I relinquished, I just thought that I owed my first baby "a better life."
And as I said in a previous comment, my story, Claud's story... these are actually the norms. The NORMS. The average mother who relinquishes a child for adoption is in her twenties, college educated or in college, with career goals, sometimes already parenting a child, and from a middle class background.
In fact, based on what you just shared about yourself, you fit the profile of a relinquishing mom PERFECTLY.
The only difference between myself and the people you describe, is that I won't be having children any time soon.
That's because my parents taught me self-respect, self-confidence, the value of an education, and how to be an adult before I became an adult. I was raised in a poor family, who never had to ask for help because my parents worked to be better than where they came from. They grew up in poor areas, and broke the cycle of dependence. They made something of themselves, and so have I.
You can't just go "whoops you fit into our category"; because I'm responsible. I won't ever have to have an abortion, or give up a child to abortion because I'm not going to get pregnant before I'm ready.
***Having sex before you can financially support yourself (which you can't do in college, obviously) is a stupid thing to do.
Now that you're an adult, instead of making it your message to encourage others to make the same decisions you did, make it your message to encourage others to be responsible and not make the same mistakes. To be responsible and focus on education before creating families. First comes first, responsibility and self-respect.
***Sex isn't a necessity. It's a responsibility, it's fun, it's what you make of it. But it has consequences, and you paid them. Help others by telling your story, and don't encourage them to pay too.
***Some content has been edited to rule out possible misinterpretations. Fanaile Essence, November 5, 2007
"You can't just go "whoops you fit into our category"; because I'm responsible. I won't ever have to have an abortion, or give up a child to abortion because I'm not going to get pregnant before I'm ready. "
***
Because if by some strange circumstance you DID end up pregnant, like I said... you'd be exactly the type of woman who ends up relinquishing.
So you ought to be glad Claud is here, warning you of the pitfalls of unnecessary relinquishment.
By the way? My story wasn't a sob story, LOL. I didn't include any of my struggles in my earlier post, I included my STRENGTHS, to show you that unlike what you want to believe, women who relinquish aren't all destititute and incompetent.
***
***Some content has been edited. Fanaile Essence, November 5, 2007
Wow I am so glad you wish date rape upon me so I can learn a lesson about irresponsibility.
Victims of domestic violence and rape who come forward ALWAYS are offered the "morning after pill", which is up to 75% effective within 72 hours of intercourse. After that, I would choose abortion. No one should bring a child into this world fathered by a rapist. For asking me to state this decision on the internet, which I have obviously pondered because of my prior experience with rape, you disgust me.
I wouldn't get pregnant; because I don't make irresponsible decisions. That's really all there is to it.
I don't see you as a strong woman for encouraging others to make the same mistakes you did. I see you as someone who is weak and wants to feel better - rather than owning up, and dealing with it. Your emotional trauma, which you so obviously wish upon others so they can "learn", was the consequences of your actions. You're a victim of yourself; not a victim of circumstance.
Actually not ALL victims of rape are offered the morning after pill. If the victim is taken to a Catholic hospital (which most are in my area) the morning after pill will not be offered and if a patient requests it they will be turned down. But I guess to you that would be their own irresponsibility for not being aware enough in their trauma to demand to be taken to a non-catholic hospital farther away.
And she's not a strong woman for "encouraging others to make the same mistakes" she did she's a strong woman for speaking her story despite the harsh criticism and prevalent stereotypes to educate others so hopefully they WON'T make the same mistakes (relinquishment).
I feel very sad to hear that women brought to said Catholic hospitals are not given a choice.
When I go out to calls, at the hospitals in our areas, woman are always offered. I live in upstate NY, by the way. If that helps. I'm a victim of rape, so don't profess to me and tell me what I think about sexual trauma, ok?
Claud's opinion on relinquishment is just that; an opinion. It's unsupported by facts. It provides an emotional appeal whose effects will harm more children than it will help.
Why I Passionately Support Early Adoption and Child Welfare Reform
http://www.progressiveu.org/134337-why-i-passionately-support-early-adop...
Actually Claud's experience with relinquishment is supported by facts. The facts of her life as well as those who share experiences similar to hers. In addition I believe others have already pointed to the recent Evan B Donalson Study that does also support the view point expressed here with facts.
I also have to say - although this commenter's comments don't say it specifically, I am wondering if there is more to the story than has been disclosed. I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but I think it's more than an interest in limiting welfare.
Margie
Third Mom
I invite engkatiemarie to come over and share her thoughts on an open mike here:
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2007/11/open-mike-open-records.html
Even if you choose not to comment, engkatiemarie, you may want to stop by at some point to check out a couple of links I provide to very good posts about open records and read what others have to say.
Margie
Third Mom
I'd be happy to stop by. I'm actually reading a few of the blogs at AdoptionSolutions.com, to learn and also to find one that fits the request of another user... since the stories I want to tell aren't mine to tell. I work/volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, and it's in the contract that you can't do so.
However, my existence on this site has several purposes. One of them is via a scholarship. I receive points for comments left here, so I'd prefer at least partially continuing our conversation here so that I can get credit. I'm sure that you will understand. I want to attend graduate school for nuclear engineering, and hopefully ProU will help me afford it. : )
"If a person is incapable of financially supporting a child, and yet they have one, aren't they then the one choosing to punish that child for simply being born?"
Is this how you feel about your family?
You stated that your family was poor... should you have been removed from your parents?
My parents came from a poor background. They both worked their butts off to get into college, graduate, get married, ect.
I and my siblings didn't come along until they were able to afford children. My mother was 28.
One more thing:
Why on earth are you writing on a site that describes itself as a "nonprofit social welfare organization"?
Or do you not mind social welfare initiatives if they benefit you, with college money?
Excellent question. I commend you for asking it.
The answer is that ProgressiveU is privately funded.
I donate my money and time to private organizations to help others through raising their self-respect, dignity, and helping them improve their lives by empowerment and relieving dependence on others (e.g. the government, men, their children, ect.) . I simply don't believe in government-funded social welfare. Therefore I accept no Stafford loans or scholarships at the expense of taxpayers.
To FauxClaud: I'm very sorry tto read about your experience. This story is an example of why I, myself, dislike adoption. Not that I would ever seek to illegalize it - adoption certainly has a place and plays a very big role in the well-being of many people. But in my experience, a lot of people abuse the system; others are so pro-adoption that they choose to ignore or even learn about the down-side of adoption. Yes, it has its good points, but there are a lot of bad points that should be addressed as well.
To engkatiemarie: As I commented earlier, we have a similar program here in El Paso to what you are proposing, and the system works wonderfully. It was founded in the early 1980s by a woman who found out the very hard way that her grandson died of child-abuse, and she had never seen the signs. The abuse was not detected, and there were no signs - the child's parents simply fell into really hard times and couldn't cope and never sought help, and sadly things came to a head. These things happen, it's sad, but true. This foundation helps protect other children from similar circumstances while also teaching parents coping strategies, financial budgeting, anger management and other things. They also work with education systems and other professionals (and anyone interested in attending the free classes) how to spot signs of abuse. Here is a link where you can find out more: http://www.childcrisiselp.org/ I fully support you in this endeavor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence,
A-Team Member
For cleaning up this mess!
I actually never mind a hyjack of my blogg...coversation is always good!! And lord knows, adoption discussions have a great way of bringing outr very heated responses!
For the record..I'm not asking for handouts, in fact that is one of the things that got me into this mess to beging with. Fiercly independant, raised hard working middle class.. the very idea of having to be on any form of public assistance for even the smallest amount of time seemed ifinatly worse than never seeing my child again. Adoption was saving us both..or so I thought! ha ha
The truth be told now.. with hindsight at my side, being
'on welfare" for a few years would have been much easier by far.. for one ..it would be long over. And really, that would never had come tp pass anyway. For my son's father would have not been spared.. and he would have responsibilty as well..and no one would have needed any help at all.
I just think with adoption...its much easier to think some things work as they should..or as our ideallistic thinking thinks it should..and the reality is by far different.
That's why this stuff is important here... a younger idealitic thinking crowd..with hopes and plans..and as pointed put ..perfect fodder for a next crop of birth parents.
So be warned... condoms break, birth control fails, things get messy..and then someone might be telling ypu how adoption makes it all better.... but 20 years later.. it seems like a bad deal.
FauxClaud
aka Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
OriginsUSA...Musings of the Lame..FixAdoption
:)
Very true and well-spoken. Shit happens. Adoption works for some people, and fails others. It's sad when the system fails someone; but the only way to prevent that is not only through better sex-education courses, but reform of the entire adoptive system to ensure that it is working for everyone.
And you're welcome :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence,
A-Team Member
Why I Passionately Support Early Adoption and Child Welfare Reform
http://www.progressiveu.org/134337-why-i-passionately-support-early-adop...
My language!
National Infant Adoption Reform!
Or a little piece of legislation I like to call the NIARA!
The stystem is very broken..and indeed
"but reform of the entire adoptive system to ensure that it is working for everyone"
needs to happen!
Problem is that too many people think they know all about it, or see it the way they would like to, or when you give them facts, then they skew it ..lol NFCA has mastered that..just look at their infant adoption awareness traings!
and when you start saying there is bad things happening in adoption..then they tell you that you are bitter and crazy fir being against adoptionn
I'm not agaist adoption...it's ok when really needed...it's just not needed all too often!
But google "stephanie and evelyn bennett"..then tell me if it is a good thing...
FauxClaud
aka Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
OriginsUSA...Musings of the Lame..FixAdoption
Thanks Claud.
I did google that... but I think we would disagree on our interpretation.
Clearly the guidance counselor and adoption agency was in the wrong (whoa boy were they in the wrong), but I cannot fathom how this child was not returned to it's mother? There must be some law broken here, some side of the story not being told in all of these blogs. I find it really hard to believe the "evil adoption agency" vs the "poor little 17 year old and her family" story... there has to be more. Sorry... I'm a skeptic.
And, obviously... have to put my plug in... that a 17-year-old high school student should have known about safe sex. She and her boyfriend obviously flunked the lessons. If her parents had been more open with her, and they had a better relationship, she wouldn't have gone to a guidance counselor for advice. But, more importantly, if this high school student had taken her personal responsibility and gone to her doctor to get birth control... well, we know who she could have turned to first.
Sexual health, and responsibility, is what we should be teaching our children. How to get access to birth control, how much it costs, and to earn their "sexual freedom"... not handing out free condoms (remember, only 90% effective alone when used CORRECTLY) that are so cheap they are likely to break in inexperienced hands anyway.
Oh no... you missed some of the deal!
FACT: Evelyn Bennett is still not returned.. the agency that assisted in her kidnapping advised her prespective adoptive parents to hide with her..so they moved!
FACT: Not sex ed..not boy freind.. 50 something year old ex neighbor who abused her since the age of 13.. threatened her to "get rid of the baby" or he would kill her family.
And that's what your missing..otherthan that...yeah, it is a case of evil...evil does exist..and get away with this stuff that is so blantently disgusting..all in the name of adoption!
FauxClaud
aka Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
OriginsUSA...Musings of the Lame..FixAdoption
Very disgusting, but has nothing to do with the adoption this discussion is focused on.
I have often written my opinion on sexual abuse. This man should be reported by her family and put into jail. Depending on state law (in almost all states), I believe charges could be pressed for statutory rape even at the age of 17 where the pregnancy was clear evidence of the abuse after a DNA test. They could find the baby through a court order. Just a thought for another avenue.
Can you link, so I have more information on your source? I didn't find the second anywhere. Thanks.
Just because that aspect of the case is still very pending...the DNA is being established privately by the family..they do not have acess to the child, but still have her cord blood saved, so it is possible. And i get my info direct from the people involved....i have court documents.
And no.. they can only get to the baby through a court order IF an order is given and IF the families comply.. in adoption really no one has to comply..just keep appealing!
FauxClaud
aka Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy
OriginsUSA...Musings of the Lame..FixAdoption
Clearly a change in the laws is necessary.
But I'm not sure what point you are trying to make by using this obvious exceptional case showing almost every weakness in the system: crappy guidance counselors, greedy private adoption agencies (do you have any links showing actual profits?), poorly managed or lack or managing laws, poor information distribution to relinquishing mothers, and most of all a lack of proper sex education and education about responsibility to children.
Yes, I really find it necessary to force that point. Realizing that there are consequences to ones actions or inactions, not to mention proper supervision where a child was not left alone, and a family situation encouraging communication so children felt more open to talk about an incident (mutual respect; yet not friendship with parents; there's a difference, I can't stress this enough) with a neighbor that led to abuse/ where abuse occurred... this would not have happened.
Clearly there was a problem with this family if the girl experienced 4 years of sexual abuse with a neighbor and never told a soul. I know what it's like to hold things inside and why we do it; I never told anybody when I was raped until 3 years later. It's part of why I am so strong on educating families on communicating with each other, being responsible, including owning up to mistakes and errors in judgment.