My life has been difficult because of my gender identity. I was born with a female body. This works great if your mind is also of the female persuasion; however, mine wasn't. I grew up In Salinas, California -- a VERY conservative area. I nor my parents didn't know about transgenderism or transsexualism. I wouldn't be what I wasn't; I stole my brothers' clothes & toys. In school when they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied a defensive end for the Oakland Raiders or a fighter pilot. In truth, I wanted those things, true, but I couldn't say what I really wanted: I wanted to be dead. I hated the body I was in...by the age of 6 this translated into hating myself. Food was the only comfort I had in this world.
When I was 2 years old I'd pray for my body to be like my brother's so my parents would love me. My Mom was ashamed of being in public with me & by the age of 4 I knew this; no matter what she did, people asked if I was her son. Starting in the 5th grade when everyone begins to notice the difference between boys & girls, I became "The freak"; every day I was spit on, beaten, depantsed & explored, had my locker broken into, was verbally abused in the halls. No one would be my friend. My freshman year I was beaten up by the girls in my PE class as the instructor looked the other way & gang raped twice by women to "teach me a lesson."
I was fortunate. I serendipitously found out about transsexualism (in medical-speak "Gender Identity Dysphoria"). I learned what I had to do, how I could go about doing it, & did it. Before I began to transition I was over 600 lbs, dropped out of community college, had an eating disorder, used drugs to get through each day, was in the hospital a LOT. I am now in great shape, a straight A grad school student, creating a name for myself as an advocate & expert in gender identity & male sexual abuse survivor. I am a 16 year old boy in a 35 year old body learning how to be a man & grow up on my own. I'm dating for the first time (or trying to figure out how). I now take care of my Mom. When I look in the mirror, I am the man I wanted to be. I have the great custom car, the cool dog, am working on the profession and finding Ms. Right. I am a happy, healthy, successful man.
Upon hearing about my past, I'm often asked to "prove it". It amuses me; of all the things one might lie about in this world, why on Earth would that be one?
It is not who I am, but the experiences that went into making me who I am.
...wow. You should definitely write more about your past, that's absolutely amazing.
I travel the US as an educational & motivational speaker & advocate, have been speaking on my life since 2003. I've been published a couple times -- just small pieces in anthologies, magazines, newspapers -- & appeared in documentaries on transsexualism, testosterone, and male sexual abuse survivors.
I've been working on my memoir for a couple years now; it started as a senior capstone, has grown into something more. Someday it'll be ready for me to seek publication, but not now. A draft is posted for download from the KarMel scholarship site. Problem is that I continue to grow, so does the memoir. I am also a perfectionist in my writing, so can edit till the end of time & still not be satisfied. With grad school, it's also really difficult to find time to be able to sit down & write.
I do what I can in the hopes that someday no one else has to see & know what I have. Compliments are actually such a new thing for me after so many years of criticism. Comments like yours motivate me...I am grateful.
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"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you don't mind me asking do you think you were motivated by your brother being around you to want to be a man? Well I am proud that you can talk about it.Most people "hide it in the closet". I feel bad that you were gang raped not once but twice.No one deserves to be in a situation like that no matter what the circumstance is.
No. I truth, my brothers weren't around much; they were 4.5 & 9 years older than I. One I never really knew, the other tolerated me until we were much older; then he took me to the movie that taught me the words "transsexual" & let me know I wasn't alone.
It's difficult to explain how it feels because the English language is so limited, but my maleness is something so bone-deep, so elemental it's just something I know like how to breathe. It's not something I have to think about , learn or try to do...I just am. People that for some reason doubt hang out with me and male is just so pervasive...Being male fits me like a pair of underwear that are just the right size whereas female just didn't. It's just like for people whose bodies & minds were born congruent if you asked them how they knew...it's something so basic, so self-evident, so elemental that if asked the same question many wouldn't know how to answer it because it's such a no-brainer they've never had to think about it.
The current accepted theory is that if you cut my brain open & dissected it, then compared it to a biological female (whose physical & mental gender identity aligned) and a biological male (again, whose physical & mental gender identity aligned) my brain would be like the male's not the female. We cannot change the brain with current technology, but we can change the body...so we do.
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"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
"The current accepted theory is that if you cut my brain open & dissected it, then compared it to a biological female (whose physical & mental gender identity aligned) and a biological male (again, whose physical & mental gender identity aligned) my brain would be like the male's not the female. We cannot change the brain with current technology, but we can change the body...so we do."
Btw, do you know if there's any scientific evidence of transgendered people being different from their bio gender biologically? Stuff like brain scans, etc? Comparisons between brain scans before/after transition?
There have been post-mortem dissections & comparisons of transpeople's brains versus those of their biological counterparts; however, these have no been done in large numbers. The identity of trans (meaning transgendered, transsexual) are relatively new in the scope of things. Since we need our brains to sustain life, have to wait for people to die & donate their brains to science before these can be done. As such, the opportunity to do dissections & comparisons haven't been large (hence, it's the currently accepted theory & not stronger).
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"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
It's good to know people like you exist- what you have made out of your life experience is astounding. u can hear it in the way you write. I'm sure your memoir will turn out describing things as you hope to convey.
I was actually a tomboy when i was younger. Later in middle school I was called a "man" in a derogatory fashion. It's funny because I felt like I was just trying to be me.
Though for my situation it is different, I definitely felt a lot of hate for being something other than what people were trying to cookie-cutter me to be. I've also had some tough years for free thinking.
Apparently some qualities that are inherent in me are "man-like". god forbid a woman be anything like a man or vice versa! Now that I think about it, someone's said this year I walked like a man. Does that mean I strut or what? I see it for what it is when ppl say that crap- most of the time it's insecurity. Though for my situation I feel like the stereotype of what we should strive to in being a woman is too narrow, too suffocatingly rigid, I see your stance and I respect it. While I'm in a healthy relationship with a quality man, and I don't have enough of the male inherent in me to ever need a sex change, I can identify with some of what you've mentioned.
I do have a question. How do you keep the past from haunting you? I had the crap beaten out of me by my older brother for having too many man-like qualities a.k.a not for any good reason. Most of the time I'm fine because I'm proud of who and where I am, and I've grown to see he's going nowhere, but sometimes I think about it and just get so mad. There was no reason for what he did and I got no help from the people I told. How did you turn the past into something that cannot consume you?
First of all, I'm sorry that others in your past have been so insecure in who they were that they caused you hardship. There's nothing I admire more than someone being who they are for I understand just how difficult that can be sometimes. It's not always easy to do but usually those who face adversity because of who they are are grateful for that.
So now to address your question: how do I keep the past from haunting me. I live less than 2 miles from where the worst experiences occurred to me. It's a double-edged sword, for it's good that I'm forced to deal with my past but I admit from that it can be hard sometimes. I think I am able to deal with the past because -- due my current residence -- I have no choice and also because there is a peace that comes from within, an overwhelming sense of gratitude combined with a determination to not let my past win. I have the same thing I had when my past was the present: myself. As long as I have that, I know I can face and overcome anything in my life.
When the past or just life in general gets overwhelming, I go to a location where I can always find my center. For some people it's the woods or a field or a stream or the mall, but for me it's a stretch of beach about 30 minutes away from here. I go there, write about it, brainstorm or walk on the trail along the beach -- sometimes with my dog, sometimes alone. I stay there till I find my sense of inner peace again.
I used to live in the past a lot. I needed to, to come to a certain sense of resolution with it, but it came to a certain point where I had to put it behind me, let it go. I realized that I was no longer benefiting from dissecting the past looking for answers; by dwelling in the past I was creating regrets in the future by not experiencing and living life. For some things -- i.e. why did he/she do that? -- there are no answers nor will there ever be. The only way to make sense of them is to do what I can to do all I can to end that sort of behavior. So now I speak to audiences about my past, those experiences. Sometimes it hurts to do so, especially about the abuse, but if one person benefits from my pain, to me it's worth it. I think that's the difference right there: I'm no longer a victim of my past; it is something I survived.
That;s the best answer I can give to your question.
I am glad you have someone in your life who is strong enough to keep up with you, to love & appreciate you for who you are; never settle for anything/anyone less.
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"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- Thanks.
p.s.There is definitely a Ms. Right out there for you, i have confidence you'll find her.
Thank you. I think I have, but she doesn't know it yet. ;-)
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"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I admire your bravery. :)
Sweet Arad, I love reading your blog! (erm...don't ask about the "Arad" bit...it's something from stories that I write...) You are an amazing person, and you write so well...
Anyway...I'm glad everything's working out for you now.
You have such a unique perspective and story. I wish more people dared to be different. You seem so authentically you and inspire me to be more authentic. Thanks for opening up to so many strangers about your story. Your courage is equally inspiring.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina