Learning to live

For the most part, I'm a selfish person. I always think of myself first. If something that I have to do is not the best option for me, I won't do it. I chose to come to China to teach English, not because I wish to help educate the Chinese, but because graduate school demanded I have more experience. I chose to talk to a person I know because I didn't trust my ex-boyfriend and thought he was lying to me. There are many other things that I chose to do for selfish reasons.

Although the reasons started out as selfish, I have found that many good things have come of the decisions. For instance, the girl I befriended is really quite a lovely person. It also turned out that she was the trustworthy one and the ex was, indeed, still in love with her the entire time he was dating me. I don't mind this now, but at the time it really bothered me. Now, I'm friends with the girl, but not the boy so much. Know that I befriended a girl because I did not trust a boy. I wanted to keep my enemy closer to my vision, or so the saying could be modified.

Now that I'm in China teaching, I have thrown my all into it. I can never do anything just halfway. I always want to be the best I can. There are many students who have encouraged my growth as a teacher. There are many other foreign teachers I've been in brief contact with that have encouraged my growth as well. While I'm still doing this for my
own benefit, I feel that the students are also gaining something now. It took a long while in coming, but it seems as if that last push of mine to be a better teacher has made them better students. I have even given several of them hope for a better future, which makes me happy. Many of the students are not afraid to talk anymore in class when they don't understand. There are few good changes, but they are there.

Maybe being selfish isn't so bad. I always have selfish intentions, but I can never keep them selfish for long. They always seem to turn out for the better in the long run. I'm not saying that I don't like to be selfish for the sake of making a lot of money. I like fancy things, good food, richly cultured things in my home, etc. I also like to travel and learn, so much of my time, effort and money go into that. I also value when others want to learn or travel, so I give them money in an effort to let them realise their dreams.

The definition of selfish, or so I've been taught through the church, is that you keep many things for yourself in order to live a rich life. My definition of a rich life is different, I think. The way they conjured up the image was of gluttonous people with too many material goods around them. Sure, some of those things are nice. Like I adore the shirt and pants that I just bought today. They are made of a nice fabric, rich in colour, and fashioned in the Qing Dynasty design. They are very Chinese looking. The pants were also expensive, but they FIT. I've not found a pair of pants that fit my body in a long time. Back to the point. My idea of a rich life is one full of education, learning and exploration. Nice material things are a benefit. Tasty food is great as well. These last two things, materials and food, have always come after the education and exploration in my mind.

I still struggle with the concept of "selfish". I rarely do anything really big if it is only beneficial to someone else. I like to bring my friends muffins to cheer them up, take them to a dinner and a movie, or even send them on dates if they don't have the money. To me, these are nothing. They are not big things in my life, yet them make others happy. Those things I do selflessly. I never think to ask for the money or deed repaid in some way.

Regardless of what many of my exes have said, or what definition that any religion, or other organisation can give me, I believe I'm not wholly selfish. Nor will I be. This is, of course, my own "selfish" belief.

Share this post on:

 •    •    •    •    •